Monday, December 21, 2009


I don't know if you were paying attention, Clevelanders, but it is winter. If you are unfamiliar with Cleveland winters, the sky is gray 98% of the time. It is like George Clooney's hair without all the sex appeal.

So, Cleveland Ladies, why are you all so tan? Why do some of you look like oompa loompas? I know playing pretend is fun, but you are in your mid-20's and it is 15 fucking degrees - maybe you shouldn't be at the tanning booth.

More than anything it is a safety concern. What if the abominable snowman comes? Where is your orange ass going to hide? I'm going to be so pale I'll just lay down in the snow and he will walk right past. He may think, "Wow that snow has a lot of chest hair" but I still think I'll be safe.

You on the other hand, look like a giant orange Skittle. I can't blame the guy for eating you - hell - I want to eat you. Taste the rainbow. Your best bet is that he hopes you are a carrot; because carrots suck and the abominable snowman does not waste his time on suck.

Or you could just realize you live in the midwest during the winter and not bake your skin. Unless it is just to even yourself out - no one wants to see your snowsuit tanlines.


Fizzgig said...

the first to speak! Because, tanning hides cellulite! And makes you look thinner! people that look like oompa loompas are using lotions or something. I like a nice healthy glow.

Not to mention, living in OHIO we never see the sun, and the uv rays helps stave off seasonal affective disorder, and provides much needed vitamin D.

Now, im late for my tanning appointment!

Ed Adams said...

"abominable snowman does not waste his time on suck."

What about the abominable snow-WOMAN?

If not, that's too bad for the snowman.

But, that's what happens when you finally marry them.

She no longer licks your snow cone.

LBluca77 said...

It's a law in California that you have to be tan all year round.

Andhari said...

One thing I like about being a south - east Asian? I'm always naturally tanned :)

Suzanne said...

Maybe these extra tan during the inappropriate season ladies are going to try to be on the next season of MTV's Jersey Shore. And here you are, trying to crush their dreams.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

ahem, this does not encompass ALL cleveland ladies, ahem.

Moooooog35 said...

We have a girl at work with a year-round permatan.

We call her 'Orange Julia.'

Feel free to use it.

miss. chief said...

Oh my gosh! Hahaha there are tons of those around here too. Yesterday one came into my work, and apparently she had been hitting on my friend in a bar a few nights before and he was all 'hell yes' that he's seen her in adequate lighting he's frightened away.

She also had those triangle eyebrows drawn on...