Monday, December 21, 2009

I'm Leaking

The human body is confusing. If you think about it, we are a big bag of skin that is just slammed full of organs and bones.

And that bag of skin finds all kinds of fun ways to leak. Sweat, snot, urine, saliva, tears, poo - my body looks like a yard sprinkler. Little children put on swimsuits and run over top of me when I lay down.

But while my body spends all that time shooting fluids, why when I take a drink doesn't it just leak right out?

Think about it - in college I would drink 20 beers in a day - you would think my ears would just be spurting out Natty Light. With all that beer I should have High Life tears and be sweating pure PBR.

But my skin bag would hold all of those liquids in like it was some kind of Ziploc.

That is - until the worst possible situation.

Cute girl? Arm pits! Dispense liquid!

Long line for the bathroom? Bladder ATTACK!

Really sad episode of Saved by the Bell where Kelly breaks up with Zach at prom? Tear ducts - that's your cue!

More or less my body is playing one big practical joke on me all the time. It forces me to fill it with the very liquid it is going to end up shooting all over the place later. This is like passing out Sharpies to everyone at the party and then passing out on the couch. You might as well draw the penis on your own face.

It's so frustrating sometimes I just want to cry.

But I don't want to give my body the satisfaction of winning.


Moooooog35 said...

So, I drew the penis on my own face per your instructions.

Now what?

Fizzgig said...

hmmmm well have you ever seen those circus freaks that stick nails in their arms and dont bleed?

there is some sort of way to trick your body into not leaking. Maybe pursue a career in the circus sideshow?

Matt said...

"This is like passing out Sharpies to everyone at the party and then passing out on the couch. You might as well draw the penis on your own face."

I think this is my favorite Narm line of all time.

LiLu said...

I can still see them outside the Bayside High gym at the picnic table... I think Kelly Kapowski invented "It's not you, it's me."

miss. chief said...

oh man I hate thinking too much about my body. it's so creepy! we're just sacks with organs and blood and stuff all crammed in there. GROSS!

Ed Adams said...

Just had to mention that episode, didn't you?

Now I'm crying again, you Bastard.

Bogart in P Towne said...

Dude...are you going through "The Change"?

Andhari said...

This is why I rather be dehydrated during a long trip then hydrating but taking consequences on leaking on a leather seat? That'll be

MKL said...

Yet some men still leak at night.

And the ladies ain't digging that ;)

Cuddleslut said...

skin bag...thank you for that