Monday, December 28, 2009

Holiday Fear

(First, a shout-out to Ang, who was in Cleveland but I didn't get a chance to meet or creep-out because I am what the kids call, "A big-nosed loser who smells like farts." God I hated 3rd grade.)

Think about how confusing it has to be to be a kid.

"Alright, Billy, I don't want you to cross the street or talk to strangers - oh but a giant fat man in a red suit is going to sneak in our house overnight and decide if you've been naughty or nice."

Holy shit!

If kids were smart, they'd be freaking the fuck out. Mostly because fat people are gross - but also because their parents are perfectly fine with some guy just waltzing into their house.

And it isn't just Christmas - think about how often we tell children that random people will be breaking into their house and watching them sleep. It is like some creepy Disney version of 'Paranormal Activity'.

"Ok Mary-Lou, rip that tooth out of your mouth and put it under your pillow so that some woman can sneak into your room and steal it later!"

How do kids accept this? Someone is going to break into their room and steal parts of their body! The Tooth Fairy? More like the Bone Collector. What does she do with all of those teeth? I am assuming make weird necklaces out of them like we all do with shark teeth.

"Ok Sally - whatever you do, don't take candy from strangers! Unless that stranger is a giant rabbit that is hiding eggs around our house - then go crazy!"

Giant rabbit? Fat man with a beard? Woman that steals my teeth?

With all these scary characters running around it's no wonder the Boogie Man is so scared he's hiding under their bed.


Matt said...

all these fictitious characters should be charged for breaking and entering and taken to jail.

no wonder crime rate is so high.

Santa and the tooth fairy do it!!

P.T said...

LOL @ Matt!

I've never had a visit from the Tooth Fairy! It's not fair!

Mary said...

I'm totally with you on this one. Being Jewish solves a lot of these problems though...I never had to worry about Santa or the Easter Bunny...

Big Girl said...

Very clever. I've often thought the same things when telling my kids about Santa. Oh and when they are 12 or so, "I've been lying to you for your whole life and on top of that no more easter candy!"

Ed Adams said...


Santa is a total pedophile.

Like he needs all of them elves JUST for making toys.

Yeah right.

ANG* said...

next time! or else (dun dun dunnnnnnn)

Anonymous said...

you forgot about Halloween. all your life you hear "dont take candy from strangers" but then on Halloween you go to their DOORS ASKING them for candy. am i the only one that finds this strange?