Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I love football.

Like, in a creepy way.

Like I draw little hearts around football's name on my book covers and have a poster of football on my ceiling so I can stare at it while I sleep.

But football has one major difference than life: in life, no matter what happened beforehand, if another man runs at you and forcefully throws you to the ground - it is not time to celebrate.

In football, if a receiver catches a first down, or a running back gains ten yards - they always show off. No matter what. Even though they are literally paid to do that exact same thing, they show off. Like if I made a bunch of awesome copies and then started flexing like the Hulk and got in the receptionist's face to tell her who's her daddy.

But even while they celebrate good times, they still just got tackled.

That means that someone else saw them running and dodging people and decided he wanted to pick them up and throw them straight to the ground. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Just get serial crushed.

That counts as a win? Because junior high went a LOT better than I remember if that is true.

In real life, if another man knocks you to the ground like so many Jenga pieces - it is over. Your pride is done-zo. You might as well grab your pocket protector and go home.

But in football, after a tackle - you get in his face and tell him you are better than him.

I guess this attitude only exists in football and can't be translated into real life.

Or at least that's what the receptionist said when she tackled me into the copy machine and asked me "Who's your daddy!"


Page Seven said...

Ask your receptionist to please teach the Steelers secondary how to tackle.


justjp said...

Your receptionist is WEAK!

Moooooog35 said...

The recepionist was wearing Under Armor.

That's gotta be the only explanation.

Ed Adams said...

My doctor always wants to high five me after my prostate exam.

Is that similar?

lacochran said...

I may not know who's my daddy but I know who's the boss.

Tony Danza, bitch!

Gilahi said...

Wait, you have a poster on your ceiling so you can stare at it while you "sleep"? Not only can you not stare at something while you sleep, that's not the reason to hang posters on the ceiling.

Wv: hagisms - quotes attributed to witches, e.g. - "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble."

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

you're my daddy.


Angela said...

I really wish you actually did that after making copies. I think it would make my life.

Mike said...

The idiot celebrations drive me nuts. Pretty soon the NFL is going to be as fake as the WWF.

Mike said...

@Ed - My doctor has a rather large finger. So to help the prostate exam process he dims the lights and put on some soothing John Mathis music (Chances Are).

LiLu said...

She was probably just jealous that you were hogging the copier to copy your ass.


Andhari said...

I just wish I could just tackle somebody to the ground an they wont get on my face about it. That would be cool. :p