Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Santa's Identity Crisis

My hatred for Christmas has been discussed.

But let's take a deeper dive at the Czar of Christmas Spirit - ol Santa Claus.

Or should I say - Chris Kringle?

Or perhaps, Jolly ol St. Nick?

I'm on to you, fatty.

Know who else needs an alias? Criminals. And strippers.

And I hope to god Santa isn't a stripper. Mostly because I am out of $1 bills and the ATM charges like $10 to take money out. Daddy needs a lap dance!

So that leaves a criminal. Who would have thought that a giant fat man that climbs into your chimney when you are sleeping and lets little kids sit on his lap would be a criminal??? I know, right?

The only other explanation is that he is a super hero, and Chris Kringle is to Santa Claus as Peter Parker is to Spiderman. Or Clark Kent is to Superman.

Or maybe he is just some old guy with no real super powers whatsoever.

In which case Chris Kringle would be to Santa Claus as Bruce Wayne is to Batman.

I still wouldn't sit on either of their laps.


Moooooog35 said...


Page Seven said...

I'm confused.

Ed Adams said...


So basically, you're saying if you had $1 bills, you would totally spring for a lap dance from stripper Santa.

That would probably get you on the naughty list.

Fizzgig said...

im not feelin it this year. bah humbug!

if santa could throw webs from his wrists, then maybe people would think he was for real.

Always a Bridesmaid said...

So if Santa were a stripper, would he also be a ho (ho ho)?

That Kind of Girl said...

Um, dude, you had me right up 'til the end, but did you just suggest you wouldn't sit in Bruce Wayne's lap? Dude! PLAYBOY BILLIONAIRE. Priorities, sir.

TheGuy said...

I don't get the analogy. Peter Parker is a photographer. If he's Spider-Man, then whose taking all those fantastic action shots of the web-slinging hero?

Tara said...

Actually it would be Superman is to Clark Kent because Clark Kent is the ultra-ego he is really Superman underneath the glasses.

I'm a dork.

Andhari said...

Speaking of sitting on Bruce Wayne's lap...

I should stop being a pervert in people's comment board.

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