Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Go Eat Crow

First things first, yes, there is a door to go outside from my bathroom. There was an addition built on my kitchen and blah blah blah GOD homeowners are boring, aren't they? Who cares about your leaky roof or what you found under your carpet. Unless it is a sandwich, then give it to me. Now.

Moral of the story - I have a deck off of my upstairs bathroom. The door looks like this -


Which is a pretty nice view when conducting "The Business" in the mornings. It is quite peaceful. I can watch the trees sway in the wind and watch as the sun pokes its sleepy head over the horizon.

But then, the birds come.

A little bunch of crows, every morning, comes to roost in the neighbors tree.

And they watch me. I know they do. They watch me and they judge me and they probably go tell their little bird friends.

Sure, they can crap on whoever they want - but as soon as I eat Chipotle I have to explain myself to those beady little black eyes.

I have been thinking about installing a BB gun mount to the window so I can take aim while doing my business. That will teach those son of a bitch peeping Toms to get their kicks somewhere else.

Because I don't take shit when I'm taking a shit.

19 comments:

Allison M. said...

i love it. My grandma's house had the same thing. Only her deck kicked your deck's ass because she had a random sink out there.

LBluca77 said...

"Because I don't take shit when I'm taking a shit."

HAHAHA Best thing I have heard today.

Lauren said...

This is quite possibly your best post to date. Mwhahah!

saratogajean said...

Fucking birds. Perverts, all of 'em.

Idea #527 said...

My question is the door and deck off the back or front of the house?? I'd be more worried of someone coming through the door by accident when I'm going to the bathroom!

Ben said...

The crows have been known to try to peck through our skylight. Terrifying to say the least.

Andhari said...

"Because I don't take shit when I'm taking a shit."

Best quote of the week. Will use it.:D

rumblejax said...

Just wait till they get little number cards and start acting like a panel of judges...

Lily said...

If you install a BB gun in your bathroom, then you would officially have the most awesome bathroom IN THE WORLD!

Angela said...

Well having an outside door to your bathroom is probably pretty sweet when you're sitting on your deck and you don't want to walk THROUGH the house to do your business.

Moooooog35 said...

Crow #1: "Hey..were you just looking in that window?"

Crow #2: "Sadly, yes. I will never be the same."

Crow #1: "Wanna talk about it?"

Crow #2: "Nevermore. Nevermore."


Long way for a shitty payoff. Sorry about that.

longredcape said...

YES. You have to install a BB gun mount. You have to dooooo eeeeet! Then you have to take pictures! Well, pictures of the gun mount, not pictures of you shitting. I have a BB gun you can borrow!

Fizzgig said...

maybe they are waiting for you to run into the window like the crows in the windex commercial.

at least we know they do talk, and they probably are judging you.

crows are kinda evil. Ever since "the stand" I think they are the devil.

justjp said...

Dude, you need heat seeking missiles for "bird defense". That would be awesome!

Ed Adams said...

Dude, did you change your blog address or something?

Evidently, the government now hates your blog, cause you are blocked at my work.

You weren't previously.

I'm guessing it's because you cheated on your taxes, or because of your Al-Queda ties.

I would expect an audit, or a visit from Homeland Security in the near future, if I was you.

Mr. Apron said...

I think the window on that door needs to be about a foot-and-a-half lower.

LiLu said...

If you make it a paintball gun, you can make the snow all purty at the same time! Now that's the Christmas spirit. Killing things... beautifully.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

maybe you should throw things at the birds...

i don't like birds, fyi

Cuddleslut said...

Perhaps this is TMI, my old bathroom had a skylight. A squirrel would hang out and peer at me on the toilet through the skylight. This happened every other day. For. A. Year.

I wish I was kidding.