Sunday, February 24, 2008
Old Man Winter has been kicking my ass of late, and with my attempts to woo a cute female falling a bit short - I've come down with a bout of the saddies. I relayed my whining to my friend Jess who recommended I use my greatest emotional outlet - facial hair.
I am always in a state of bearding. The two-day scruff, the business beard and the full-on Grizzly Adams (Grizzly Adams DID have a beard - yes that is my second reference to an Adam Sandler movie) - I wear them each with pride. But my favorite is the Grizzly Adams.
Not everyone can grow a beard so who am I to waste this talent? Millions of men lay awake at night, crying, because they are unable to partake in the full on sexiness of facial hair - I grow it for them. Grow it thick - grow it proud, baby.
But ladies - you hate it. I understand it scratches you when we kiss, but goddamn, we just met - buy me a drink before you start complaining about the making out stage. I'm not a player, honey, I just crush a lot. The last time I had a full beard, I heard a lot of, "You'd be really cute without that beard." So it came off like a dress on prom night (but trust me, I looked FABULOUS - it was strappy and showed my back - but not too much - I'm not a hussie.)
But now, with the saddies creeping in and no one to impress, I am starting a new tradition - St. Patty's Day beard. I had one last year - and goddamner I'm gonna have one this year as well. For the next month I'm punting all attempts at physical attractiveness and going for full-bore manitude. If you suddenly smell saw dust, don't worry - its just the Nom.
(I realize I am not far into the bearding process so I made sure to point at my beard in case you couldn't see it)