Wednesday, June 4, 2008

This Week In Awesome


I took off work last Friday to spend the day getting probed and poked and prodded and other p words (not including penetrated...gross). My plan was to hit the dentist, chiropractor, doctor, optometrist and that masseuse down the street that offers "Happy Endings." I'm kidding - she's closed on Fridays.

Me being the opposite of responsible (fun?) I waited until 3pm on Thursday to try to make all of the appointments. The receptionist at the doctor's office actually laughed at me when I asked if I could get an appointment for the next day. I didn't realize the doctor's office was like a trendy night club and I needed to call my cute girl friends to sneak me in. Now I know - and knowing is half the battle.

So I end up only getting appointments for the optometrist and chiropractor.

First is the eye doctor - who gives me the normal "Read the smallest line" jargon which I, obviously, dominate because I rule. At the end he says, "Let me put these drops in your eyes for the last test."

Seems normal. Eye drops. Optometrist. Lets do this.

Wrong.

Now my pupils are dilated and I am 30 minutes from home. Perfect. The last thing he says to me? "Be careful - your eyes will be sensitive to sunlight!" HA! I'm a man. Doesn't he know this? One time I fell playing softball and scraped my knee. Did I stop playing? Hell no! After I stopped crying I played the entire rest of the game. Because I am a man.

So I walk outdoors and suddenly realize how insensitive I've been to Dracula's fear of the sun all these years. That poor, poor man. I would rather watch an entire episode of "Tila Tequila" than ever have to be in the sun with dilated pupils again.

That is a lie.

The only thing I can make out in my haze is the Burger King sign down the street - what better time to eat fast food than when you can't actually see it? Supersize me! So I go through the drive through and order myself a Whopper combo. Obviously I hadn't planned ahead because I have no way of reading the amount on the dollar bills in my wallet. I know I need to give the woman $5 - and not trusting the merits of a Burger King employee, don't want to just hand her my entire stash. I hand her a single bill and wait for a response. Like so many girls I've spoken to in the past - she gave me a dirty look and repeats, "$5 please". Whoops. I throw a few more bills at her and take my change - no idea what it was and go on my way.

As I pull out I reach in the bag to get some french fries and pull out half fries / half onion rings. SCORE. How is this not on the menu? I think every stoner in the world would migrate to BK and demand more french fry / onion ring combo boxes. Get fatter faster AND more efficiently. The American Dream!

Not being able to see I have to call a friend and have her direct me, by landmark, to my chiropractor. Luckily she had creepy knowledge of every BP in Cleveland and got me there in time.

I have never had x-rays of my old-man back taken so the chiropractor decided to get a few to see if someone had actually reached in and tied every one of my muscles in a knot like I had told him.

So after everything is done he calls me in to look at the x-rays and starts explaining

Doc: Your curvature looks ok - need to straighten this up a little. Your hip is pulled out a little but nothing we can't fix. Then there's....this.

Me: What's that?

Doc: Well...you are supposed to have five vertebrae (he then counts five, stopping before the last one)

Me: So whats that (pointing at the uncounted vertebrae)

Doc: Well...it isn't exactly a vertebrae - see how it is attached to your hip here?

Me: So it is my hip bone?

Doc: Not exactly.

Me: So it is an extra vertebrae?

Doc: Kinda, it didn't fuse into a full vertebrae but it isn't your hip bone.

Me: So I'm a mutant?

Doc: Not exactly.

MY DOCTOR DID NOT DENY THAT I WAS A MUTANT. "Not exactly" implies YES but in medical terms I am too lazy to explain to you.

So I leave the chiropractor to re-enter the world as a giant dilated pupil'd mutant.

But at least I have french fry / onion ring breath.

12 comments:

BloggingJason said...

It's too bad your mutant power isn't being better at softball. :(

surviving myself said...

Dude, being a mutant is pretty cool!

You can join the X-Men!

If you do, could you get me Jean Grey's digits? She's hot.

Julie_Gong said...

i can't wait to tell all my friends i know i mutant.

Allison M. said...

How funny is your back bone doc? "Am I a mutant?" haha

Why the F are you seeing him again? I've never seen one.

Alexa said...

whoa. that is like totally tubular man! can you get mutant disability?

so i have have 3 6inch pins holding my left hip together. does that make me a mutant too?

also, we didnt get drinks this week, your t-shirt is getting lonely.

fail.

Sarah said...

fries + onion rings + taco bell nachos

Narm said...

BloggingJason - hey - I only suck at catching hitting and throwing

Surviving Myself - no problem - but lay off of Rogue...love me some redheads.

Julie Gong - I am thinking of running off and joining the circus so I can charge people to look at me.

Allison M - because I can't stand up straight without a chiropractor. And I find standing up straight to be a fairly important part of my day.

Alexa - Team Mutant! DRINKS - NEXT WEEK. Either Tues or Wed.

Sarah - nice. How about Arby's mozzarella sticks?

lacochran said...

Wait, are you saying you have some sort of vestigial tail?! You rock!

*insert appropriately hilarious tail action joke here*

rs27 said...

I hope you come to my new restaraunt.

Onion rings in Your Fry Box.

We only sell combo items.

Arnold Palmers, Gnutella, stuff like that.

Lauren said...

Since he didn't deny it, I say you're a mutant. That's the coolest thing ever! I mean, you could be awesome like Gambit or Wolverine. Just...don't be Beast. Don't get me wrong, he's awesome and all, but turning blue doesn't seem very fun to me.

Just saying.

PS-nice GI Joe reference

BloodRedRoses said...

Fries + Onion rings = best idea ever.

You could be a millionaire.

As for the mutation I think it gives you cool points. Get a copy of the x-rays and pull it out during dinner parties.

No?

ttown said...

I'm gonna go against the crowd here, and say I absolutely hate it when i find onion rings in my fries! I want pure french fries.. not some dirty onion ring!

with that out of the way, i do have to say thanks for enabling me to check "being friends with a mutant" off of my list.