Monday, June 30, 2008

Grow Up

Things that currently need to grow up:

Babies. Seriously, Babies - your tiny hands are weird. And don't even get me started on your fingernails. Whats with all the crying? Your life revolves around eating and pooping - I should be so lucky. Grow up, Babies.

Prejudice. I don't think people understand the hurt involved when they call me a "drunk". It's Alcoholic-American, People. Stop the hate.

My friends. Whats with all you guys getting married? That makes me feel weird inside. Don't you know thats what Grown-Ups do? What next? Babies? They have weird, tiny hands!

Big City Bars. During my visit to my hometown this weekend I accidentally stubled into the bar and ordered two beers and ten shots. My total bill for this? $32. THIRTY TWO DOLLARS. I am pretty sure if I handed the guy a $50 he would have just given me the keys to the place. Going back home is like replacing my wallet with Monopoly money. I could live for ten years on a pink $500 bill.

Me. I turn 25 today (hurray for being able to rent a car) and still think the word "doodie" is funny. Yes, I giggle at a 3rd grade level. I also still think it is appropriate to yell "Pants off - Dance off!" at my friends wedding - and I was IN the wedding party. I may have also told people that the reception was actually a big birthday party for me and to make their checks out to my name. Then the married couple went and cut the cake before anyone sang Happy Birthday to me!

I told them to Grow Up.

21 comments:

Alexa said...

happy birthday!!!!! mine is on wednesday, love it.

i hope you get extra bombed tonight - oh wait or did you do enough of that this weekend.

seriously, i think you need to grow up. ; )

Joanna M said...

Happy birthday Jeff! Just think you are now halfway to 50!

BloggingJason said...

25? I would have thought that 24 would have surely killed you.

Congrats, Whippersnapper.

Allison M. said...

quarter-life crisis here you come.

Julie_Gong said...

i can't wait for all those depressing posts your about to start writing.

happy birthday my fellow alcoholic-american.

moooooog35 said...

Happy Birthday, dude.

I turn 40 in August. Looking back, let me tell you:

Your best days are already behind you at 25. The rest is a downhill shitslide from there.

Enjoy your birthday!

libby marie said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I think this is your quarter-life crisis post and I loved every word of it.

surviving myself said...

Happy birthday!

And $32 for all of that??? That is heaven my friend.

lacochran's evil twin said...

"Pants off - Dance off" had that weirdness to it. Not the undressing part. The unattractive people that can't dance in odd lighting and junky outfits getting undressed part. It must be of German origin. Totally Dieter of Sprockets and Mentos style television. It reminded me of traveling in Germany in the 80s and turning on the TV to find soft core porn playing. 'Cause there's nothing hotter than someone speaking that oh-so-beautiful German to turn you on. Wacky Germans!

Try not to think too much about it and Happy Birthday!

Sarah said...

happy birthday!

i'm glad i'm not the only one that thinks babies are totally creepy.

some girl said...

Happy Birthday!!!

rs27 said...

You know what they say...25 is the new 21. Which makes 21 the new 17 and 13 the new 9. It's a rough life.

MsPuddin said...

Happy birthday! I think I just found my new wedding crasher buddy/baby hater/Alcoholic-American, yay!

deutlich said...

a) Happy Birthday!
b) I rode past your home in the Cleve!
c) Doodie is fucking hilarious.

Lauren said...

You could be the best wedding guest ever.

Happy Birthday!

rawbean said...

Haha...oh I shouldn't have come here. I'm in a weird mood and this blog post is too funny....oh...yea.

Maxie said...

happy birthday!!!

this entry seriously had me cracking up. and 32 bucks for all that? Are you sure you didn't enter a time warp and land in willy wonka land or something? amazing.

John Barleycorn said...

Happy birthday. Great blog. All these mentions of prison showers make me smile.

Jenn said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

kelli said...

I agree with you. I think babies are creepy and I hate the city bars. I also find alcoholic-american to be much more respectful and I will try to only use that term when I see you again.

Kali said...

Forget their weird tiny hands. What about their weird, tiny faces?!