Friday, January 16, 2009

Nickelback Away Slowly

The Setting - Chipotle on a cold, windy winter's day

The Characters - Myself, a strapping, charming, witty, punctual man of 25 and another guy who was probably like 30 or something. I don't know, I'm not a mathematician.

Me - "I can't wait to eat some delicious burrito and then spend the rest of my afternoon in the bathroom."

Guy - "Ha - yeah I'm going for extra beans and hot sauce."

Me - "That is like a death wish - your bathroom is going to smell like a Nickelback song."

Guy - "Ha - yeah, I love Nickelback, too."

Wait - WHAT? I just compared Nickelback to your assplosion and you think I was complimenting them? I thought I was actually insulting your bowel movement by comparing it to Nickelback. How could you possibly take me comparing your weapon of ass destruction to a band as me being a fan? Since when is feces the standard unit of measurement for awesomeness?

"Dude! Did you see the new Batman? It was a total shitter, man."

Conclusion - I haven't slept in three days because some guy in the Chipotle line thinks I am a Nickelback fan.

40 comments:

Fizzgig said...

i think feces is a standard of measurement for lots of things.

"this tastes like shit" is worse than "this tastes like ass"

or "you look like shit" is worse than "you dont look so good"

I think the more important unit of measurement here, is nickelback. Maybe it'll be the new coldplay, in that they sound like shit. =)

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

you know what's random? i would 100% use punctual as a way to describe you too. you seriously are!

as for the strapping, charming and witty? maaaaaaay-be

Angela said...

I'm just happy to know that you love Chipotle. And also hate Nickleback.

Marie said...

Just walk around with a "I hate Nickleback" or "Nickleback is shit" sign posted somewhere on your "strapping, charming, witty" self.

Matt said...

So now I will be thinking about Nickelback while I shit.

thanks.

Arjewtino said...

Comparing something to feces is the new calling someone "phat" or "a whore".

Then again, I might be off on this one. I'm only someone in my 30s or something.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

That would keep me up at night too.

moooooog35 said...

I once dropped loaf that smelled like Kip Winger.

That was a bad day, my friend.

Rachel said...

Obviously if that guy is a fan of shit-smelling things, you don't have much to worry about.

Feel better.

Deutlich said...

assplosion?!

BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

Julie_Gong said...

i would take out full page ads and billboards to clear this up.

saratogajean said...

What song did he think you were referring to?

"Extra Beans Was a Mistake (Yeah)"

or

"Remember That Time I Flooded Your Parents' Bathroom"?

lacochran said...

You know what they say about "protesting too much."

He saw through your facade to your deep and unabashed love of all things Nickelback.

My goodness, just the number of posts you've done about Nickelback is an indication of your obsession.

*singing* You love Chad Kroeger... You want to kiss him...

stealthnerd said...

i have no words for that man...i'd love to assume he misheard you. or that there was some ill-attempted sarcasm or something but i fear there wasn't.

Giggle Pixie said...

I love me some Chipotle too. But then I also love Nickelback.

I'm sorry I've let you down. :-(

ANG* said...

i applaud your working-making-up-skillz. "assplosion" impressive my friend.

Christina_the_wench said...

I too like Nickelback. Deal with it.

Can't you compare your shit to John Mayer or the Beatles or something?

blue-eyed brunette said...

I recently just STOPPED reading someone's blog because they posted about how awesome nickelback was. i effing hate them!

rs27 said...

Seriously, you have every Nickelback album, right?

Kellie said...

You know how I know you're gay? B/c you like Nickleback.

surviving myself said...

Your blog is the corn in my turds.

TishTash said...

Maybe he thought you meant they were "the" shit. Beware the definite article.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I don't know if this is just because I'm a woman, but I have never noticed a correlation between burrito consumption and the quantity or quality of my bathroom visits.

Now listening to Nickelback on the other hand... somebody better pick up some Glade on the way home...

Maxie said...

oh god. i'd kill myself if someone though i like nickelback.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

You miss me, I know it.

20-Something said...

This is effing hilarious! Were you really in line, talking to a total stranger about how you can wait to eat and shit the rest of the day?! Wow.
I would like to put Fall Out Boy in the same category as Nickleback.

They fucking RULE! (Since we're now talking in backwards day to describe bands.)

Live For Today said...

What is so bad about Nickelback?

Ms. Sadie said...

Boys are gross! Still luv em thou.

Bon Don said...

I'm shocked you didn't add "well hung" "full of stamina" to your description!

Phil said...

Maybe he thought you said Nickelback is "the shit," and didn't get that you meant that literally.

Cecelia said...

Now that is just wrong. I don't blame you for being upset - it's the thought of thing you just won't recover from.

LiLu said...

Conclusion - I haven't slept in three days because some guy in the Chipotle line thinks I am a Nickelback fan.

That shit would keep me up at night, too.

GET IT?

Smash said...

Aw, I miss Chipotle. Will you send me my favorite hangover food please - veggie burrito bowl. I need another reason besides a hangover to spend my day in the bathroom....

HBee said...

What? You're not a mathmatician?

Desert Rat said...

HA and funny enought 2 Nicklebacks are eating burritos right about now...this I know because they were in first class with me to Cabo two days ago - I had no idea who they were but a fan also in first class went a little crazy about it.

Himbo said...

LIH [Laughing in hysteria]... you crack my shit up, Narm. Literally.

My favorite part: "guy who was probably like 30 or something. I don't know, I'm not a mathematician". Classic.

-Himbo

Blogstiny said...

Chipotle is "The Shit!"
Nickleback is "Shit". Big difference in my mind. I'm with ya.

Ambles said...

Did you really expect him to appreciate your superior sense of humor? He's a Nickleback fan, man, he can't help it! Being smart was just never in the cards for this guy.

longredcape said...

Fucking SHIT this made me laugh. On so many different levels.

Kelly and José said...

It's even more disturbing that he thought you meant the bathroom was going to smell good! Hmm.

-Kelly