The Setting - Chipotle on a cold, windy winter's day
The Characters - Myself, a strapping, charming, witty, punctual man of 25 and another guy who was probably like 30 or something. I don't know, I'm not a mathematician.
Me - "I can't wait to eat some delicious burrito and then spend the rest of my afternoon in the bathroom."
Guy - "Ha - yeah I'm going for extra beans and hot sauce."
Me - "That is like a death wish - your bathroom is going to smell like a Nickelback song."
Guy - "Ha - yeah, I love Nickelback, too."
Wait - WHAT? I just compared Nickelback to your assplosion and you think I was complimenting them? I thought I was actually insulting your bowel movement by comparing it to Nickelback. How could you possibly take me comparing your weapon of ass destruction to a band as me being a fan? Since when is feces the standard unit of measurement for awesomeness?
"Dude! Did you see the new Batman? It was a total shitter, man."
Conclusion - I haven't slept in three days because some guy in the Chipotle line thinks I am a Nickelback fan.
40 comments:
i think feces is a standard of measurement for lots of things.
"this tastes like shit" is worse than "this tastes like ass"
or "you look like shit" is worse than "you dont look so good"
I think the more important unit of measurement here, is nickelback. Maybe it'll be the new coldplay, in that they sound like shit. =)
you know what's random? i would 100% use punctual as a way to describe you too. you seriously are!
as for the strapping, charming and witty? maaaaaaay-be
I'm just happy to know that you love Chipotle. And also hate Nickleback.
Just walk around with a "I hate Nickleback" or "Nickleback is shit" sign posted somewhere on your "strapping, charming, witty" self.
So now I will be thinking about Nickelback while I shit.
thanks.
Comparing something to feces is the new calling someone "phat" or "a whore".
Then again, I might be off on this one. I'm only someone in my 30s or something.
That would keep me up at night too.
I once dropped loaf that smelled like Kip Winger.
That was a bad day, my friend.
Obviously if that guy is a fan of shit-smelling things, you don't have much to worry about.
Feel better.
assplosion?!
BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA
i would take out full page ads and billboards to clear this up.
What song did he think you were referring to?
"Extra Beans Was a Mistake (Yeah)"
or
"Remember That Time I Flooded Your Parents' Bathroom"?
You know what they say about "protesting too much."
He saw through your facade to your deep and unabashed love of all things Nickelback.
My goodness, just the number of posts you've done about Nickelback is an indication of your obsession.
*singing* You love Chad Kroeger... You want to kiss him...
i have no words for that man...i'd love to assume he misheard you. or that there was some ill-attempted sarcasm or something but i fear there wasn't.
I love me some Chipotle too. But then I also love Nickelback.
I'm sorry I've let you down. :-(
i applaud your working-making-up-skillz. "assplosion" impressive my friend.
I too like Nickelback. Deal with it.
Can't you compare your shit to John Mayer or the Beatles or something?
I recently just STOPPED reading someone's blog because they posted about how awesome nickelback was. i effing hate them!
Seriously, you have every Nickelback album, right?
You know how I know you're gay? B/c you like Nickleback.
Your blog is the corn in my turds.
Maybe he thought you meant they were "the" shit. Beware the definite article.
I don't know if this is just because I'm a woman, but I have never noticed a correlation between burrito consumption and the quantity or quality of my bathroom visits.
Now listening to Nickelback on the other hand... somebody better pick up some Glade on the way home...
oh god. i'd kill myself if someone though i like nickelback.
You miss me, I know it.
This is effing hilarious! Were you really in line, talking to a total stranger about how you can wait to eat and shit the rest of the day?! Wow.
I would like to put Fall Out Boy in the same category as Nickleback.
They fucking RULE! (Since we're now talking in backwards day to describe bands.)
What is so bad about Nickelback?
Boys are gross! Still luv em thou.
I'm shocked you didn't add "well hung" "full of stamina" to your description!
Maybe he thought you said Nickelback is "the shit," and didn't get that you meant that literally.
Now that is just wrong. I don't blame you for being upset - it's the thought of thing you just won't recover from.
Conclusion - I haven't slept in three days because some guy in the Chipotle line thinks I am a Nickelback fan.
That shit would keep me up at night, too.
GET IT?
Aw, I miss Chipotle. Will you send me my favorite hangover food please - veggie burrito bowl. I need another reason besides a hangover to spend my day in the bathroom....
What? You're not a mathmatician?
HA and funny enought 2 Nicklebacks are eating burritos right about now...this I know because they were in first class with me to Cabo two days ago - I had no idea who they were but a fan also in first class went a little crazy about it.
LIH [Laughing in hysteria]... you crack my shit up, Narm. Literally.
My favorite part: "guy who was probably like 30 or something. I don't know, I'm not a mathematician". Classic.
-Himbo
Chipotle is "The Shit!"
Nickleback is "Shit". Big difference in my mind. I'm with ya.
Did you really expect him to appreciate your superior sense of humor? He's a Nickleback fan, man, he can't help it! Being smart was just never in the cards for this guy.
Fucking SHIT this made me laugh. On so many different levels.
It's even more disturbing that he thought you meant the bathroom was going to smell good! Hmm.
-Kelly
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