Swamp Thang

There are a lot of celebrities that have faded from the limelight for whatever reason - Macaulay Culkin, Fred Savage and Christopher Reeves to name a few - but perhaps no one has fallen from grace more than Swamp Thing.

When was the last time you saw someone reference Swamp Thing? Twilight comes out and everyone and their sister is trying to bone a vampire - meanwhile Swamp Thing might as well change his name to mud.

What does Mummy have that Swamp Thing doesn't? If I am ever traveling through Egypt and accidentally stumble into some undiscovered part of the pyramids and anger King Tut then maybe I'll be scared that some ancient body is going to pry it's way out of a coffin and chase me at a pace that makes zombies look like Cheetah on the Nintendo Power Pad Track game.


Fighting the Mummy is like beating up Pauly Shore. Big whoop. You just grab a piece of his cloth and pull really hard so he starts to spin really fast and make a "whoop whoop whoop" noise like in the Three Stooges. Then you turn around to run but your legs just go in circles and the music goes "Wah wwaaaah" because you didn't know he spilled a bag of marbles behind you. He's got you now!

But Swamp Thing? Dude has gills. That is kind of creepy, right? And he has seaweed all over him and I'll tell you one thing - NO ONE likes touching sea weed. Touching sea weed is like when you get to the toilet and someone forgot to flush. You realize that the handle isn't any dirtier than normal but you still only use one finger and make a really weird face when you flush because - seriously who wants to see that?

Come to think of it Swamp Thing does kind of suck. All he does is sit around and try to protect the environment, talk to girls he is never going to score with, have long stringy hair and mess with plants all day.

Swamp Thing = Hippie.

Oh well, I guess after he finally hits rock bottom at a Dave Matthews Band show we can look forward to seeing him on Celebrity Rehab.