Monday, January 12, 2009

Swamp Thang

There are a lot of celebrities that have faded from the limelight for whatever reason - Macaulay Culkin, Fred Savage and Christopher Reeves to name a few - but perhaps no one has fallen from grace more than Swamp Thing.

When was the last time you saw someone reference Swamp Thing? Twilight comes out and everyone and their sister is trying to bone a vampire - meanwhile Swamp Thing might as well change his name to mud.

What does Mummy have that Swamp Thing doesn't? If I am ever traveling through Egypt and accidentally stumble into some undiscovered part of the pyramids and anger King Tut then maybe I'll be scared that some ancient body is going to pry it's way out of a coffin and chase me at a pace that makes zombies look like Cheetah on the Nintendo Power Pad Track game.


Fighting the Mummy is like beating up Pauly Shore. Big whoop. You just grab a piece of his cloth and pull really hard so he starts to spin really fast and make a "whoop whoop whoop" noise like in the Three Stooges. Then you turn around to run but your legs just go in circles and the music goes "Wah wwaaaah" because you didn't know he spilled a bag of marbles behind you. He's got you now!

But Swamp Thing? Dude has gills. That is kind of creepy, right? And he has seaweed all over him and I'll tell you one thing - NO ONE likes touching sea weed. Touching sea weed is like when you get to the toilet and someone forgot to flush. You realize that the handle isn't any dirtier than normal but you still only use one finger and make a really weird face when you flush because - seriously who wants to see that?

Come to think of it Swamp Thing does kind of suck. All he does is sit around and try to protect the environment, talk to girls he is never going to score with, have long stringy hair and mess with plants all day.

Swamp Thing = Hippie.

Oh well, I guess after he finally hits rock bottom at a Dave Matthews Band show we can look forward to seeing him on Celebrity Rehab.

24 comments:

Ben said...

I blame the B-52s. The Swamp Thing was cool until the Rock Lobster blew it out of the water with such rad and catchy tune for all the cool cats.

moooooog35 said...

What do you mean, no one references The Swamp Thing?

She was just in that "Sex and the City" movie and is married to Matthew Broderick.

Fucking hideous mug is all over the place.

You just have to look.

IF. YOU. DARE.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

but christopher reeves died : (

i saw swamp thing out one night smoking a hookah after a widespread show. the gills were hot.

longredcape said...

Nintendo Powerpad Track game! Ahhhh!!!

Thank you for that memory.

LBluca77 said...

I don't think Christopher Reeves fell out of the lime light. Hello the poor guy died.

Not his fault.

Christina_the_wench said...

Swamp thing. I'd do him.

Deutlich said...

There ain't nothin' wrong with hippies!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I have no comment on this except el-oh-el.

And, personally, I thought the Christopher Reeve joke was a stroke of brilliance.

saratogajean said...

Fucking Cheetah.

Cheater is more like it.

Kali said...

Okay you actually have me feeling bad for Swamp Thing now, even though all he provokes in me is mild disgust. Mummy's way scary. Did you just suggest taking off the bandages? Sure. Because being chased by a rotting corpse would be much better..
Just came across a comment of yours on douchegirl's place that made me laugh, so dropped in to check out your base!

Bon Don said...

Why do we flush with one finger and run like the plague when someone leaves a duce in the shitter?

That was excellent!
loved the flash back picture

*Bon Don*

Kellie said...

You totally lost me on this post. I think I need some caffeine.

On the other hand you've got me thinking of sushi w/ the seaweed references. I'm really hungry now.

surviving myself said...

If Swamp Thing sucks than sadly, there is no hope for my good friend Moss Man.

rs27 said...

I would totally bang Swamp Thing.

Oh wait, this wasn't would ya wednesday.

Forget i said anything.

TishTash said...

I was sadder to see that actor who played the slow kid on "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" disappear. Seriously, what happend to that guy?

Chocobo said...

Hippies are gross.

lacochran said...

I saw Swamp Thing drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

Oh, and you reminded me of a Kevin James line... "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

Megkathleen said...

Fred Savage will make a comeback one of these days. I'm sure of it.

Kristen said...

I have not forgotten about Swamp Thing.

I reference him all the time because my dog happens to smell like Swamp Thing.

Somebody should give her a bath.

c.watson said...

This is why I always flush the toilet with my foot. And seaweed is gross, I swear it tries to grope you in the water when no one is looking, like some kind of creepy uncle.

Maxie said...

I think beyonce stole some of her single ladies dance from the cheetah.

Seriously-- I swear that squat leg-out thing is in the dance.

Himbo said...

I totally thought I saw Swamp Thing walking down the hall @ work one day... turns out Bon Don bought a green suit.

dmb5_libra said...

uggggh. seaweed. i freak when that shit touches me. you'd think there were several great white sharks, jelly fish, and a horny dolphin attacking me. but no, its just seaweed.

LiLu said...

UM, HELLO- Fred Savage is producing It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... one of the greatest shows of all time???

EAT YOUR WORDS, MAN!