Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I've seen a lot of crazy homeless people in my day.

I mean I live in Cleveland - the line between homeless guy and middle class citizen isn't that well defined. Our economy has fallen deeper than that guy's voice from the Men's Warehouse commercials.

You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.

I've talked about my adventures with the homeless before. Actually, in my second post ever and again in my Homeless Moses rant. But now it is getting out of hand.

We had a snow storm. Believe it or not this happens in Cleveland, Ohio. In fact, Cleveland has two things - snow and Drew Carey. Paul Newman dying really fucked us over for "Cool things coming from our city". Maybe Tracy Chapman will have another hit one of these days. She could do a "Fast Car" remix with Ja Rule. It'd be huge!

Back to the point - it stopped snowing a week ago. The salt trucks have been out, the sidewalks are clean and the salt ring on my jeans has made it all the way up to my neck. Margarita, anyone?

In other words; get over it, Homeless.

You can return to your homes now. Your homes being the sidewalks. That includes the rich homeless people who sleep on manholes and the poor homeless people that sleep on park benches. All of you - back to the sidewalks.

I think there should be a countdown - after a week with no snow, any homeless person caught walking in the center of the street wearing all black should be captured and taken in. These will be tracked - like a homeless person scavenger hunt. Or I guess a scavenger scavenger hunt. The person with the most homeless people by April 1st wins a prize.

Like a Tracy Chapman CD.

Ok, I'm still working out the details.

And before anyone freaks about cruelty - as soon as April 1st hits all the homeless people will be set free and able to go home.

Or, at least back to the sidewalk.


YoYo said...

I gave you presents!!
A very pretty, and a lil bit girly (sorry) award!


Marie said...

You're just bored and miss talking to your homeless buddies. Admit it.

Deutlich said...

You're brain is a funny place.

Christina_the_wench said...

I miss the homeless lady on Lorain Ave. talking to herself and hitting herself in the head repeatedly. ~sighs~ The entertainment value was priceless.

Fizzgig said...

Another reason to visit cleveland is to laugh at the fact that you guys call that strip of grass where you put out your trash the tree lawn.

I think that might have trickled down from Canada or something.

fyi - it's a devil's strip.

Anonymous said...

I concur, I don't have anyone to watch my car when I park at the meters on St. Clair. I mean, sure it makes me slightly uneasy when they say they'll watch my car for me, but still, now who's going to watch it.

LBluca77 said...

The only difference between me and the homeless is that I still have teeth.

Ashley said...

This reminds me of the time that I almost tripped over a homeless man sleeping the middle of the sidewalk on my way to work. Seriously?!

saratogajean said...

Salt rings...can't say that I miss them. Fuck you, Detroit.

moooooog35 said...

I'm gonna take a wild guess here that your Tax form listing for "charitable contributions" will be "0."

It's okay.

Mine says 'fuck dat shit homey gots bills.'

I get audited a lot.

Matt said...

Do you think the bums would be pissed if I locked them in my spare room until 4/1?

I doubt they would mind. It is inside.

Russ said...

We're going to get about 6" of snow tonight, so it's back to "dodge the drifter".

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

are you inviting people to lick the salt rings off of your neck?

Giggle Pixie said...

I'm with ya. Now can I have that margarita?? lol

fiona said...

Set free?
You really think they're going to leave on April 1st?
They'll all claim squatters rights then what ya gonna do huh?
AND think of how much it's going to cost you for Febreze!

LiLu said...

Apparently we are of one mind today... at least YOU didn't get spit on.

rs27 said...

I didn't like how Tracy Chapman was promoting drunk driving

"Speed so fast felt like I was drunk"

Strike 72 Cleveland.

surviving myself said...

Aw man, yeah, you better come up with something better than Tracy Chapman cd. I mean, all anyone wants is "Fast Car" from her, so you might as well just give out the single.

Angela said...

I don't think you've heard a deep voice until you've heard Chocolate Rain.

Rachel said...

Have you ever been to Pittsburgh during a superbowl week?

There are so many drunks on the streets that the homeless have risen above most of the general population.

It's like a gritty scuzz parade around here.

Kristen said...

I like that song.

But that's it.

Poor Tracy. I guess she really doesn't belong and she really can't be someone.

Just like all those lame homeless dudes.

Like A Bad Girl Straight To Video said...


Come to DC!!! The abundance of homeless people is frightening. And I am quite sure that some of those snow mounds near the bridges ARE homeless people. Or maybe Eskimos. Who knows.

Maxie said...

ew is alexa offering to lick your neck?


unless it's flavored like a margarita. that would be awesome.