Is there a quicker way to lose faith in mankind than being in a large crowd? My Dad used to tell me when I was little that he wanted to bring a machine gun to the mall and mow down all of the people walking on the wrong side, or that stop in the middle of the walkway to talk. You would think this kind of upbringing would cause severe mental damage - but I can promise it was just all those paint chips I ate.
There are many places that make me wish I owned a flamethrower (or at least a people thrower). Today I am going to focus on two - beginning with the sports event.
First off - The Wave. I hate the wave. I go to sporting events to, get this, watch the game. I don't pay money to go to a stadium so I can stand up and go "Wheeeeeee!" and then sit back down. If I wanted to stand up, mutter something and then sit right back down I'd go to church. Only in America could we be at a sporting event and still require more entertainment. Sit down, People, I can't see the hot dog race.
Second - Loud, Uninformed Sports Fan Guy. A guy could hit for the cycle twice and if he strikes out later in the game you always get that guy in the crowd going, "He's bum - they need to cut his ass." This guy is also a master of trash talk with gems like, "Hey! Hey! Hey...you! You suck!" Whoa buddy - why such a personal attack? Maybe the rightfielder has been working hard on his suck and he and his therapist had a breakthrough this week and you just pushed his progress back three years. Don't you know that Suck affects 2 out of every 3 opposing team rightfielders every year? It's an epidemic!
Another annoying crowded place: Concerts.
First off - Dancing Too Hard Guy. Comes in two flavors - teenage boy and older, hippie woman. I have been to a shit-ton of concerts; metal, blue-grass, country, rock - and this person is at EVERY SHOW. I really like the music too, Weirdo, but I have never said to myself, "Oh this is my favorite song! I better rub my ass on someone!"
Second - Heckler Guy. I think Heckler Guy is actually worse than Stands On The Street Corner Yelling At Strangers Batshit Crazy Homeless Guy. Why? At least the latter doesn't pay $25 to yell at people (or maybe he would if you would just give him some change). Why go to the show to yell at the person you paid to see? And another thing - yelling "FREEBIRD!" still isn't funny. How do people still think they are going to get a laugh out of this. Two of life's great mysteries are how when EVERYONE makes fun of "Freebird! Guy and Sandals And Socks Guy but yet they still practice these douchebagisms. Don't they tell you these things in DoucheBag Weekly? (I'm kidding - they totally do, I have a subscription.)
I think NASA should do a study on if there is some hormone that makes people get collectively dumber when in large groups. Is there a ratio? Does the amount of people in a given area inversely effect the combined IQ? For all we know it is all Mensa Members going to NASCAR events - but when they hit a certain number their sleeves fall off and they all start yelling, "Get'er done!"
I think this would be extremely helpful for crowded bars.
"Why can't I get in? Fire code?"
"Sorry, Sir, if you enter the crowd will actually think Carlos Mencia is funny"