Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Like Persons But I Hate People

Is there a quicker way to lose faith in mankind than being in a large crowd? My Dad used to tell me when I was little that he wanted to bring a machine gun to the mall and mow down all of the people walking on the wrong side, or that stop in the middle of the walkway to talk. You would think this kind of upbringing would cause severe mental damage - but I can promise it was just all those paint chips I ate.

There are many places that make me wish I owned a flamethrower (or at least a people thrower). Today I am going to focus on two - beginning with the sports event.

First off - The Wave. I hate the wave. I go to sporting events to, get this, watch the game. I don't pay money to go to a stadium so I can stand up and go "Wheeeeeee!" and then sit back down. If I wanted to stand up, mutter something and then sit right back down I'd go to church. Only in America could we be at a sporting event and still require more entertainment. Sit down, People, I can't see the hot dog race.

Second - Loud, Uninformed Sports Fan Guy. A guy could hit for the cycle twice and if he strikes out later in the game you always get that guy in the crowd going, "He's bum - they need to cut his ass." This guy is also a master of trash talk with gems like, "Hey! Hey!! You suck!" Whoa buddy - why such a personal attack? Maybe the rightfielder has been working hard on his suck and he and his therapist had a breakthrough this week and you just pushed his progress back three years. Don't you know that Suck affects 2 out of every 3 opposing team rightfielders every year? It's an epidemic!

Another annoying crowded place: Concerts.

First off - Dancing Too Hard Guy. Comes in two flavors - teenage boy and older, hippie woman. I have been to a shit-ton of concerts; metal, blue-grass, country, rock - and this person is at EVERY SHOW. I really like the music too, Weirdo, but I have never said to myself, "Oh this is my favorite song! I better rub my ass on someone!"

Second - Heckler Guy. I think Heckler Guy is actually worse than Stands On The Street Corner Yelling At Strangers Batshit Crazy Homeless Guy. Why? At least the latter doesn't pay $25 to yell at people (or maybe he would if you would just give him some change). Why go to the show to yell at the person you paid to see? And another thing - yelling "FREEBIRD!" still isn't funny. How do people still think they are going to get a laugh out of this. Two of life's great mysteries are how when EVERYONE makes fun of "Freebird! Guy and Sandals And Socks Guy but yet they still practice these douchebagisms. Don't they tell you these things in DoucheBag Weekly? (I'm kidding - they totally do, I have a subscription.)

I think NASA should do a study on if there is some hormone that makes people get collectively dumber when in large groups. Is there a ratio? Does the amount of people in a given area inversely effect the combined IQ? For all we know it is all Mensa Members going to NASCAR events - but when they hit a certain number their sleeves fall off and they all start yelling, "Get'er done!"

I think this would be extremely helpful for crowded bars.

"Why can't I get in? Fire code?"

"Sorry, Sir, if you enter the crowd will actually think Carlos Mencia is funny"

"I'll wait."


Deutlich said...

It can really be annoying going to a concert w/idiots acting like that.

Me? I hate the LOOOOOOOOUD Screaming.

It's like, STFU!

BloodRedRoses said...

My dad pretends to shoot other cars while he's driving.

I think your dad and my dad should hang out, while you and I bond over eating paint chips.

surviving myself said...

your Dad sounds like a good man.

and yeah, I agree about loud uniformed sports fans - shut the fuck up already!

and mencia needs to be shot.

The Big Perkowski said...

dude... we've been to Indian's games in the past, PLEASE let me know if I ever become loud obnoxious sports guy... OR dancing hippie old woman (during Take Me Out to the ballgame after too many over priced beers)... promise, that you'll do that for me- okay?

Alexa said...

narm, i took you as someone who would enjoy the wave. and i also took you as someone who would be the dancing too hard guy.

not so much??

Allison M. said...

I hate the fanatic sports fan who is loud, obnoxious, yells at the ref and who probably never stepped foot on a basketball court or football field. Those people drive me nuts at games. Especially the people who yell at refs. My dad was a basketball ref for 15 years, and I was banned from watching him ref after I yelled at people for yelling at my dad. At 8-years-old, I thought they were yelling at my "dad," not my "dad the ref."

Narm said...

Deutlich - I agree with that. I can handle people singing along - to a certain extent - but screaming is the worst.

BloodRedRoses - my favorite flavor is lead.

Surviving Myself - maybe on my mission to destroy Nickelback I'll swing by Carlos' house.

Big Perkowski - deal. When the hell is your blog going to be up?

Alexa - I like to think of myself as "Dances Just Enough Guy" obviously this is probably wrong, but I am ok with it.

Allison M. - I want to see you at a sporting event screaming. For some reason I just can't picture it.

Kevin Ross said...

I went to a minor league baseball game the other night and I'm pretty sure that I've never laughed harder at the same idiotic group of people who tried to start the wave every single inning. It never even got out of their section. Maybe there is some justice in life.

BloggingJason said...

Ooooo, I second the Big Perkowski Blog. Post them shits up, yo!

Rachel said...

"I'll wait."