This is probably the biggest mistake I have ever made. Ever. Even worse than that time I let Billy Joel borrow my car. I have had a complete case of writer's block and needed a topic and this was the only one that came to mind.
I played the clarinet in grade school.
I KNOW - I could own a pair of bedazzled jeans and be less fruity than this. I'd have a better chance of getting laid wearing zuba pants than playing the clarinet. It sure as hell didn't clari-net me any ladies. My Mom warned me when 5th grade Nom decided this would be a good idea. She said to me, "Jeff, this is going to haunt you for the rest of your life." Well she was right - but not in the way I was expecting.
As mentioned, or at least alluded to in previous posts, I have a lady friend now. Those that know me well know that I don't date. Before last summer I managed a full four-year term as President of Bachelorania (I ran as an independent - har har)
Anyways my parents came up to visit the Land of Cleves this past weekend and the lady friend met us at Lolita for some drinks.
Keep in mind my parents are addicted to grandchildren. I am pretty sure they freebase grandkids on the weekends. They may even have grandkid trading cards and they get together with all of the other grandparents on the playground and show them their Jack Nomina rookie card. Ooooh mint condition! I can't remember the last family function where I wasn't cornered and asked by a random family member when I would finally be bringing a girl home (answer: when my family stops being crazy) - so having a girl come out and meet my parents was, I thought, going to be a welcomed event for my Mom.
Until this conversation.
Mom - trying to sell me to the lady: You were very involved growing up! You did readings at Church and you were an altar boy.
Me - being an arrogant asshole as always: Yeah - not only am I ruggedly handsome but I have a heart of gold.
Mom - cockblocking me: And you played the flute at church!
Me - wondering if it is inappropriate to use the phrase cockblock around my Mom: WHAT?!? I NEVER PLAYED THE FLUTE!!!
Mom - fixing the situation in the way throwing a glass of water on a forest fire is fixing the situation: Oh thats right you played the clarinet.
Me - BUT NOT AT CHURCH! AND ONLY FOR TWO YEARS IN GRADE SCHOOL!!!
Mom - I told you it was going to haunt you!
Now, Reader, I understand - my playing the clarinet is extremely, extremely embarrassing and I can't believe I had relayed this fact to all of you - but the FLUTE? C'mon Momina Nomina - the flute??? Why would she even bring that up in front of a girl in the first place, and then to go and say the FLUTE? In her quest for grandchildren - telling prospective girlfriends that I played the musical equivalent to Christopher Lowell is NOT a solid maneuver.
Now I just can't let her find out about my two years in the Nutcracker...