Thursday, April 3, 2008

Wait Till I Catch My Breath So I Can Tell You To Shut Up

So I've been doing this running thing. I can't say I am overly committed to it, which if you know me makes sense since commitment ranks directly behind spiders as Top 5 Things That Scare Nom, but I try to run a few times a week. There was a point a few months ago when I was running everyday, but then I realized eating and subsequently complaining about how much I ate was a much better use for my time. That and blogging - I'm counting on one of those two to help me bank that first million.

Anyways - I went running yesterday. I had been running in the snow, which meant I packed on multiple layers, gloves, hats and in the end looked like Tyra Banks in a fat suit (is that an oxymoron? ZING! I'm kidding - women today have too much pressure to be skinny...blah blah blah. I'm just looking for a laugh, ok?). But yesterday I decided that some pull-away pants and a long sleeve shirt would be sufficient. Obviously I was way the fuck off and I froze my ass off on my run (which was more of a run, walk, run, then walk more - but that takes a lot longer to type). I finally made it back to my apartment, snagged my mail and crawled into the elevator.

Now, I can barely stand at this point. My course is all of MAYBE two miles - only about 1.5 of which I actually did any running - but the closest thing to a sporting event I've taken place in since the 90's was that time I saw Keira Knightley at the mall and spent the next two hours running through her mind. HEY-O! Did someone grant these jokes a pardon? Cuz they're off the HOOK!

Anyways, due to my lack of shape I crawl into the elevator and lean against the wall as my life flashes before my eyes. A young girl enters behind me, also clutching her mail and asks which floor I am heading to so she can press the button.

"...*pant* 5...please...*pant*..."

She presses the button and I go back to putting a kung fu grip on my last strings of life.

"I get so much junk mail it is ridiculous!"

In my withered state I assume this is the voice of God, and though I am open to the idea of God being a woman - his voice being that of a 20 something complaining about his junk mail seems a bit odd. After realizing this was not some form of religious analogy I look to the girl and see she is waiting for a response. I couldn't allow the last thing I hear before my death be a complaint about junk mail - but speaking over four consecutive words could be deadly. Finally I stumble over the following sentence.

"...*pant*...Ha!...Look at all this crap" At which point I wave my stack of coupon fliers and credit card applications at her like an over-matched boxer throwing an exhausted punch in the 10th round.

From here the conversation goes like most elevator conversations - references to the weather and her showing her incredible skill of asking questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no. At one point I actually hit what runners call "the wall" and had to dump Gatorade over myself before talking about the rain.

I started this whole work-out routine for the same reason as everyone else - I wanted to look good naked. After this latest experience, however, I am beginning to think that running isn't working out.


BloodRedRoses said...

At least you went out and jogged! Getting out of the house is my biggest challenge... I usually get ready, then let myself get distracted by something.

Oh yeah, also. This post was hilarious!

Allison M. said...

We need to toughen you up. Get running and like it. It improves all kinds of stamina.

BloggingJason said...

Yeah dood, don't quit now. I was never really a runner until about 9 months ago, then I signed up for the Corporate Challenge swimming event. I thought How Embarrassing if I had a heart attack in a pool for a company that doesn't pay me(yet). So I started jogging and now I run 2-3 times a week and even kinda enjoy it. And if a booze-sponge like me can dig it, so can a booze-sponge like you.

Besides, when it's time for Sun's out, Guns out you'll be less likely to scare the ladies.

Narm said...

bloodredroses - my trick seems to be putting on music in my room while I get ready and then listening to the same band on my ipod so I don't get distracted. I don't know - if you knew the mind games I had to play with myself (I just said play with myself) to get out of bed in the morning you would be scared.

allison - you mean working in advertising isn't enough?

bloggingjason - I prefer suns out buns out - but I see your point.

Emma said...

Tyra Banks in a fatsuit? You are funny. Also, I think it's great you admitted the reason you are running is to look good naked.