My special lady friend told me I was, under no circumstances, allowed to write a post having anything whatsoever to do with going number two. What does she know? Girls don't even poop. We reached a compromise that I was allowed to blog about gas.
I, like many of you, am furious with gas prices. With today's technology we should be able to find an alternative source of fuel for our vehicles. It doesn't help that our President doesn't just dip his hand in the oil industry, he goes swimming there on weekends with his buddies (they have tiki torches that run on crude oil and poor people's dreams). But I have recently discovered the real reason for the high price of gas prices, and it has nothing to do with greed.
The government is trying to kill off rednecks.
Crazy? You would think that you hippie city slicker. Get a haircut.
Think about it - rednecks are the ones driving the pick-up trucks and getting 2.6 miles per gallon. With gas prices the way they are I can barely afford to buy stickers of Calvin pissing on stuff.
But why? Do the people higher up not have Friends In Low Places? Sure we don't provide fine art, scientific advancements or shirts with sleeves - but where would America be today without Lynyrd Skynyrd, barbecues and America's Funniest Home Videos? How would other countries stereotype us if we didn't have cowboy boots and the phrase, "yall?"
And yet the gov't hates people who drive pick-up trucks. Obviously people in office have never had to move because everyone has that redneck friend that not only owns a pick-up truck; but is willing to complete any task if promised a 6-pack of Budweiser tallboys. How do you think the pyramids were built? Slave labor? Nope. Rednecks. They say Cleopatra was the most beautiful woman in history - but really it is because they were drunk as hell all the time. She was MAYBE an eight but they drank her up to a ten. Hell even the Sphynx starts looking good after a few hours. I'd hit it.
I know what you are saying - "Wow, Narm, you are good looking." Thanks, Reader - but lets stay on topic. You are also thinking, "But Narm, our President IS a redneck!" Wrong. Our President is a retard - the differences are subtle, but they are there.
So all you hippies that are trying to save the wales and the chaining yourselves to trees - lets start a "Save the Redneck" campaign - because what is America without rednecks? Answer: France - talk about an inconvenient truth.