Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Redneck Goes Green

My special lady friend told me I was, under no circumstances, allowed to write a post having anything whatsoever to do with going number two. What does she know? Girls don't even poop. We reached a compromise that I was allowed to blog about gas.

I, like many of you, am furious with gas prices. With today's technology we should be able to find an alternative source of fuel for our vehicles. It doesn't help that our President doesn't just dip his hand in the oil industry, he goes swimming there on weekends with his buddies (they have tiki torches that run on crude oil and poor people's dreams). But I have recently discovered the real reason for the high price of gas prices, and it has nothing to do with greed.

The government is trying to kill off rednecks.

Crazy? You would think that you hippie city slicker. Get a haircut.

Think about it - rednecks are the ones driving the pick-up trucks and getting 2.6 miles per gallon. With gas prices the way they are I can barely afford to buy stickers of Calvin pissing on stuff.

But why? Do the people higher up not have Friends In Low Places? Sure we don't provide fine art, scientific advancements or shirts with sleeves - but where would America be today without Lynyrd Skynyrd, barbecues and America's Funniest Home Videos? How would other countries stereotype us if we didn't have cowboy boots and the phrase, "yall?"

And yet the gov't hates people who drive pick-up trucks. Obviously people in office have never had to move because everyone has that redneck friend that not only owns a pick-up truck; but is willing to complete any task if promised a 6-pack of Budweiser tallboys. How do you think the pyramids were built? Slave labor? Nope. Rednecks. They say Cleopatra was the most beautiful woman in history - but really it is because they were drunk as hell all the time. She was MAYBE an eight but they drank her up to a ten. Hell even the Sphynx starts looking good after a few hours. I'd hit it.

I know what you are saying - "Wow, Narm, you are good looking." Thanks, Reader - but lets stay on topic. You are also thinking, "But Narm, our President IS a redneck!" Wrong. Our President is a retard - the differences are subtle, but they are there.

So all you hippies that are trying to save the wales and the chaining yourselves to trees - lets start a "Save the Redneck" campaign - because what is America without rednecks? Answer: France - talk about an inconvenient truth.


Emma said...

I don't think I'd ever let a boyfriend of mine tell me what to blog about. WHIPPED!

I can't decide which part of this post was funnier-- "we don't provide shirts with sleeves" or the fact that you would do the Sphinx.

Allie-gator said...

Oh I just love how you pulled me in with this post.
"We reached a compromise that I was allowed to blog about gas"
Can't believe I kept going...but glad I did.

and I totally agree with all your points. Gas should not force us to get rid of the Texas Caddie (The Suburban).

and I sooo love "I'd hit it".

Oh and Thank you for keep track of the record high usage of "!!!!!" I love them!!!!

Allison M. said...

You'd hit a sphynx. There is something so disturbing and funny about that statement.

I'm all about living in France. Let's just bring the champagne here -- maybe it won't cost a ton then.

Alexa said...

i think i would have rather read about poop then gas prices. it friggin depressed me!

surviving myself said...

Can I get a bumper sticker with that on it? I mean, I don't have a car, but I'll stick it on a cab to help your cause.

Narm said...

Emma - I'm pretty ok with being whipped if the advice is "quit talking about poop"

And the sphynx is sexy.

Allie-gator - this blog is like a train-wreck - you know you should turn away but for some reason you can't stop reading. Glad someone understand the love of driving a real vehicle.

Allison - I enjoy that of everything France has to offer you are most excited about the champagne. Knowing where we work I am not one bit surprised.

Alexa - be careful what you wish for...

Surviving Myself - thanks for joining the effort - I was thinking about naming it the "Redneck Army" but then realized with the "Kiss Army" already out there it would be redundant.

Deutlich said...

I can't express to you how much I enjoy reading your blog.


lorraine said...

hey, get your save the redneck bumper sticker (or shirt) at!!

Andy Greene said...

Green rednecks are the next big thing. Green Living for Rednecks will probably sweep the rural areas, but maybe not Cleveland. Some great images in this post - i can just see George Bush swimming in oil.