When I Think About You I Lunch Myself

Around the office I am known for one thing: being a disgusting fatty. You know how someone will say to an overweight person, "There is a skinny person in there just dying to come out!" Well I have an incredibly fat person stuck in my skinny frame and he is confused and angry.

I have what I like to refer to as Lunch Masochism. Every morning I send out an email
around 930 (don't judge me) saying I want something "cheap and healthy" (I like my lunch like I like my women). This of course instantly changes into something that will leave me in the bathroom the rest of the day (can I send an Outlook invite for the handicap stall in the Men's room? Attendees: Narm and Shame.)

Here are my Top Five Places I Use To Break Down My Stomach's Will To Live

1. Tang's Wok. Pay-by-the pound Chinese buffet? Affectionately referred to now as Tang's Wok of Shame.

2. Chipotle. This is the fuzzy handcuffs of my Lunch Masochism - whereas Tang's would be the forked whip. Sure it does some damage - but I'm not left in the fetal position sucking my thumb and mumbling something about the meat sweats.

3. Georgio's $5 Hot and Ready Pizza. I already used the "I like my ____ like I like my women" joke so I'm drawing a blank on this one.

4. Wendy's. Tricky bastards. Salad and chili from the dollar menu be damned - give me the duoble stack. I dare anyone to eat for the cycle: Single, Double, Triple and the Baconator. Let's see Steve Prefontaine do that shit! Anyone can run a marathon - lets see him traverse through the Meat Marathon. Or the Meat Gauntlet - that sounds kind of like a gay porn, though. I'm sticking with Meat Marathon.

5. White Castle. You dirty whore. One time and one time only did I make this mistake...that day being today. The fatty in my said ten burgers and the big sack of fries was a walk in the park. Wrong. I am fairly certain my organs mutinied today. I am drafting an apology letter to them as we speak.

"Dear Organs,

I am sorry for my inconsiderate consumption of what can only be described as Weapons of Ass Destruction.

Signed,
Jeff Nomina"

I don't know - it still has to go through proofing.