I played the clarinet in grade school.
I KNOW - I could own a pair of bedazzled jeans and be less fruity than this. I'd have a better chance of getting laid wearing zuba pants than playing the clarinet. It sure as hell didn't clari-net me any ladies. My Mom warned me when 5th grade Nom decided this would be a good idea. She said to me, "Jeff, this is going to haunt you for the rest of your life." Well she was right - but not in the way I was expecting.
As mentioned, or at least alluded to in previous posts, I have a lady friend now. Those that know me well know that I don't date. Before last summer I managed a full four-year term as President of Bachelorania (I ran as an independent - har har)
Anyways my parents came up to visit the Land of Cleves this past weekend and the lady friend met us at Lolita for some drinks.
Keep in mind my parents are addicted to grandchildren. I am pretty sure they freebase grandkids on the weekends. They may even have grandkid trading cards and they get together with all of the other grandparents on the playground and show them their Jack Nomina rookie card. Ooooh mint condition! I can't remember the last family function where I wasn't cornered and asked by a random family member when I would finally be bringing a girl home (answer: when my family stops being crazy) - so having a girl come out and meet my parents was, I thought, going to be a welcomed event for my Mom.
Until this conversation.
Mom - trying to sell me to the lady: You were very involved growing up! You did readings at Church and you were an altar boy.
Me - being an arrogant asshole as always: Yeah - not only am I ruggedly handsome but I have a heart of gold.
Mom - cockblocking me: And you played the flute at church!
Me - wondering if it is inappropriate to use the phrase cockblock around my Mom: WHAT?!? I NEVER PLAYED THE FLUTE!!!
Mom - fixing the situation in the way throwing a glass of water on a forest fire is fixing the situation: Oh thats right you played the clarinet.
Me - BUT NOT AT CHURCH! AND ONLY FOR TWO YEARS IN GRADE SCHOOL!!!
Mom - I told you it was going to haunt you!
Now, Reader, I understand - my playing the clarinet is extremely, extremely embarrassing and I can't believe I had relayed this fact to all of you - but the FLUTE? C'mon Momina Nomina - the flute??? Why would she even bring that up in front of a girl in the first place, and then to go and say the FLUTE? In her quest for grandchildren - telling prospective girlfriends that I played the musical equivalent to Christopher Lowell is NOT a solid maneuver.
Now I just can't let her find out about my two years in the Nutcracker...
KIDDING
7 comments:
oh, how i love it when the parental units embarrass the hell out of us.
Yes I was also a fellow clarinet player as well, but this is only because my arms were to short to play the flute. Damn TRex arms!!
beav, did you really admit having t-rex arms??
this girl played the piano from elementary school all the way through high school. i obviously was way cooler than say you clarinet players.
any instrument that involves a saliva release scares the fuck out of me!
Deutlich - normally it isn't that intentional, though. This was just mean.
Beav - god do I love references to T-Rex arms. I am glad there is another proud clarinetter out there. I feel we should start a support group.
Alexa - piano is a cool instrument! I play the drums and the guitar as well (though I should not have used the word 'well' when referencing my musical talents) but find them not nearly as embarrassing as the clarinet.
And seriously, Alexa - your last comment is such a lay-up to turn into a sexual reference that I am just going to leave it alone.
I played drums in high school. There were a few guys who played clarinet, and I'm sure they're still not getting any. So congratulations!
I can hear Momina Nomina now...
"Jeffy, quit playing with you spit valve!"
p.s.- My parents do it too. Like clockwork. Every girl I've brought home knows all about my trip to Space Camp.
oh damn dude, you gotta keep that on the DL.
and why do Moms always have to cock-block? It's like c'mon Mom! Can't you see I'm trying to tap that ass???
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