Monday, December 29, 2008

N.A.R.M.

This time of year is confusing for me. Everyone keeps asking what my New Year's resolution will be and how I plan to make improvements in 2009.

But how do you improve perfection? Maybe calf implants but I think girls kind of dig me having a flaw - almost like a chink in my ridiculously sculpted armor. I'm like the Batman suit with nipples...oh wait.

But I decided that there was something I could do to make myself a better person - I could get involved with charity.

Everyone is always trying to save something; wales, gorillas, rain forests, time, money, the date - well I'm going to jump on that bandwagon.

It's time to save the mustache - that's why I am creating the National Association to Resurrect the Mustache (N.A.R.M.).

For thousands of years men have donned the mustache - gladly sacrificing their dignity and looks for the tradition of having terrible facial hair. Our fathers took up this cause with such furious passion that nary a picture from our childhood is void of the lip sweater.

But what of our generation? Take a moment to look to your left and right. How many mustaches did you see?

Shameful.

I'm not asking for a lot. I understand that times are tough and it is hard to spare anything right now. I'm only asking for two or three inches of face space a day to continue the tradition of looking like a huge pervert. If you can't afford (or grow) that, a few straggly threads of peach fuzz will show not only your support - but your dedication.

N.A.R.M. is going to be sweet. I'm thinking t-shirts and hats and meetings where someone keeps "minutes".

"Minutes" people!

But a mustache is more than a symbol - it is like the body's own little piece of charity -

it saves you the trouble of getting laid.

30 comments:

Hammen said...

You have my full support. I'd also like to order a t-shirt, please.

NARM in 2009!

Maxie said...

I'm going to start an organization to counter yours!

DOWN WITH THE MUSTACHE!

Lauren said...

While waiting in line at the grocery store, I noticed Brad Pitt rockin' the mustache on the cover of one of those celebrity magazines.

I think he's part of your crusade.

Kristen said...

I don't like the mustache. I'm sorry but I cannot support this.

Melange said...

You should have committees in your association dedicated to different kinds of mustaches. In fact, I'd like to volunteer to chair the fu manchu committee.

Fizzgig said...

some people shouldnt have a stache. I mean...has ANYONE seen brad Pitt latley? He use to be a nice specimin. Now...? Child molester.

LBluca77 said...

I am willing to do my part to save the mustache as long as I don't have to grow one myself.

Marie said...

My boyfriend would completely agree with you and support you.

I, on the other hand, will do my best to eradicate the mustache.

Himbo said...

I'll contribute! For donations going towards funding N.A.R.M., I will give mustache rides.

Hold on to your hats.

-Him

Aaron said...

I'm down with it!!!
A shirt idea:
"The following message has been approved by N.A.R.M."
(below above phrase, the famous saying)
"Free Mustache Rides"
just to make the movement that much creepier.

stealthnerd said...

Dude--you know I'll do ANYTHING for a tee shirt!

Ashley said...

I saw the BEST stash in Lakewood last week - he wore it with confidence too.

Sorry, but my donations are going to Maxie's cause this year!

lacochran said...

Batman is a conservationist. The thermostat in the Batcave is always at 65, hence the high beams. American Hero? On so many levels.

Allison M. said...

I support Maxie.

Outlaw handle bar mustaches, too.

Bon Don said...

I will join your efforts and do my part, I will grow out my stache too... and my arm pit hair just for shits & giggles!

Blue-Eyed Brunette said...

I'm definitely on board with N.A.R.M
I would like a bumper sticker please.

Poetry Sue said...

If I were a man or a 40 year old italian woman I would show my support and grow a lip sweater

rs27 said...

Does Tom Selelck get a freebie?

By freebie I mean hooker.

Smash said...

As long as I get free mustache rides, I fully support your cause! Where do I sign?

PS Thanks for adding me to your blog roll. The big question is if I were still in Cleveland would I be invited to the blogger outings? Thats when you know you have hit it big time! ha.

Arjewtino said...

I think I get automatic membership since I grew one last year to fight ass cancer.

This is just my way of getting out of paying dues.

Kellie said...

Brad Pitt and George Clooney are currently rocking staches. You're actually a bit late to the party on this one. But I'm in full support of you doing this. My hubs actually grew one in August. Well, the best he could grow one anyway.

Angela said...

You know what's a little sad? That I don't know what my dad looks like WITHOUT a beard/mustache. When I see pictures of him in his younger days, I literally have to cover up the bottom of his face so I can recognize him by his eyes.

Matt said...

Now this is something I can really get behind.

I feel bad for guys who cant grow a full mustache. Their lives will never be complete.

Smash said...

One more thing, my semi-boss sports a handlebar mustache. But with a twist - its a regular mustache and he just grows a small strand on either side a little longer and waxes just this little bit into the handlebar.

Its priceless.

Check out my facebook pics.

PS I did indeed ask for free mustache rides on a public forum... I will never run for president.

TishTash said...

Yeah, that'll work great with the MAN Movement...Men Againt Nookie. No babies will be made in 2009.

c.watson said...

I would like to support but I've never been able to grow facial hair, try as I might. But I've kissed a guy with a mustache and it kind of tickled, not in a bad way. Girls I'm just saying there are some untold benefits to the stache.

MILF--alicious said...

I'll take the minutes...I'm a secretary! I'll support the cause by donating my talents...and maybe a mustache ride....or two!

Alexa said...

women are NOT allowed to participate in N.A.R.M.

Andy said...

My dad grew a mustache for a contest in the 1970s. He never shaved it off. My mom is still upset.

justjp said...

I am going to support the handle bar!