Top 5 Awesome Things My Dad Says...

Let me preface this by saying that my old man is not overly redneck. He is an accountant by day and farmer by night - like a superhero who fights hunger and tax audits. But, to be honest, I am probably a bigger redneck than he is. He is smart and enjoys things like wine and traveling and shirts that don't have pearl buttons - unlike his son who like Busch Light and watching things blow-up. That being said, growing up where I did and working on a farm his whole life he has inherited some amazing phrases that I think need to be shared with the world. So here they are, the Top 5 Awesome Things My Dad Says -

5 - Two hours. Everything can be done in two hours. Hoe a 160 acre field that has more button weeds than this sentence does redneck references? Two hours. Nevermind ten hours later I’m knee deep in mosquitoes and blisters – it should have taken two hours. I’m fairly confident if you asked my Dad how long he’s been alive he would answer two hours.

4 - Shit-ton. As in – my Dad has a shit-ton of awesome sayings. Shit-ton is by far my favorite. I use it a shit-ton. You know that riddle “What weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of lead?” And the answer is they both weigh a pound? Well when it comes to shit you can throw that out of the window. A pound of shit actually weighs more than anything else in the world – because no one is going to lift that shit. It’s science. I would rather lift a box full of Wanda Sykes than a box full of shit. A shit-ton is a country system of measurement – like the redneck answer to the metric system.

3 - Piss-ass. As in – if you weren’t “piss-assin’” around all day maybe you would have all that hoeing done. As in - quit “piss-assin’” around and get a job. I’m not really sure when “piss-assin’” became a term for hurry up but I think we can all agree it was one of the top five most important days ever.

2 - Cat’s Ass. As in – I used to have trouble keeping the weeds out of my fields, but since I've had kids it's become the 'cat's ass'! Apparently a cat’s ass has some sort of evolutionary development that makes it much more efficient than a normal ass. Is there some sort of surgery I can have to get a cat’s ass? I want to be part of this magical ass party. Then I could be all like, “Hey Brad Pitt – you might have money and hot girlfriends and good looks but check out my cat ass!” Oh he’d be jealous.

1 - Raped Ape. As in – when I caught all you kids drinking in the basement there were kids running out of here faster than a ‘raped ape’. I don’t have much experience in raping apes (like 3 or 4 TOPS) so I am not sure on the exact speed at which they run – but it must be fast. Can you imagine if Godzilla raped King Kong and he just TOOK OFF? We’re talking like three tons of gorillas just flying down the streets of New York. I’m glad I live in a city where we don’t have to worry about giant monsters piss-assin’ around in the streets