Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Top 5 Awesome Things My Dad Says...

Let me preface this by saying that my old man is not overly redneck. He is an accountant by day and farmer by night - like a superhero who fights hunger and tax audits. But, to be honest, I am probably a bigger redneck than he is. He is smart and enjoys things like wine and traveling and shirts that don't have pearl buttons - unlike his son who like Busch Light and watching things blow-up. That being said, growing up where I did and working on a farm his whole life he has inherited some amazing phrases that I think need to be shared with the world. So here they are, the Top 5 Awesome Things My Dad Says -

5 - Two hours.
Everything can be done in two hours. Hoe a 160 acre field that has more button weeds than this sentence does redneck references? Two hours. Nevermind ten hours later I’m knee deep in mosquitoes and blisters – it should have taken two hours. I’m fairly confident if you asked my Dad how long he’s been alive he would answer two hours.

4 - Shit-ton. As in – my Dad has a shit-ton of awesome sayings. Shit-ton is by far my favorite. I use it a shit-ton. You know that riddle “What weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of lead?” And the answer is they both weigh a pound? Well when it comes to shit you can throw that out of the window. A pound of shit actually weighs more than anything else in the world – because no one is going to lift that shit. It’s science. I would rather lift a box full of Wanda Sykes than a box full of shit. A shit-ton is a country system of measurement – like the redneck answer to the metric system.

3 - Piss-ass. As in – if you weren’t “piss-assin’” around all day maybe you would have all that hoeing done. As in - quit “piss-assin’” around and get a job. I’m not really sure when “piss-assin’” became a term for hurry up but I think we can all agree it was one of the top five most important days ever.

2 - Cat’s Ass. As in – I used to have trouble keeping the weeds out of my fields, but since I've had kids it's become the 'cat's ass'! Apparently a cat’s ass has some sort of evolutionary development that makes it much more efficient than a normal ass. Is there some sort of surgery I can have to get a cat’s ass? I want to be part of this magical ass party. Then I could be all like, “Hey Brad Pitt – you might have money and hot girlfriends and good looks but check out my cat ass!” Oh he’d be jealous.

1 - Raped Ape. As in – when I caught all you kids drinking in the basement there were kids running out of here faster than a ‘raped ape’. I don’t have much experience in raping apes (like 3 or 4 TOPS) so I am not sure on the exact speed at which they run – but it must be fast. Can you imagine if Godzilla raped King Kong and he just TOOK OFF? We’re talking like three tons of gorillas just flying down the streets of New York. I’m glad I live in a city where we don’t have to worry about giant monsters piss-assin’ around in the streets

38 comments:

Kate said...

According to my dad, everything in town is 10 minutes away. Always.

JustinS said...

And here I always thought "piss-ass" was an adjective.

Blue-Eyed Brunette said...

Wow, That's a Shit-ton of gorrillas.

moooooog35 said...

Man...I can't wait to see your search hits after this one.

Here, let me help:

1) shit in cat's ass and piss in Wanda Sykes raped box

2) Wanda Sykes box raped in two hours by ape

3) piss and shit in cat's ass

Try it at home!

You're welcome.

stealthnerd said...

Cat's ass is clearly my favorite and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that makes it into my vocabulary.

Arjewtino said...

"Cat's ass" should be the new "bee's knees", which just makes no sense.

Deutlich said...

Piss ass?

Fucking awesomme

Ashley said...

I say shit-ton all the time - what does that say about me...

But I've gotta say that Raped Ape is my favorite. This is a saying I've never heard from my little redneck town.

Poetry Sue said...

This is great.... My grand father says damn near the exact same things!!!

Bethie said...

Yeah I never thought shit-ton was particularly redneck per se. It is a very powerful descriptor and should be equal-opportunity.

Douchegirl said...

I laughed out loud with the Raped Ape one. I think it's very powerful imagery.

Matt said...

Whatever you do...don't google raped ape.

its not good.

on a sidenote...to verify this comment blogger just asked me to type

phuck.

lacochran said...

If you stopped buttoning all those weeds, you'd have been done in two hours.

And cat's asses are evolutionarily superior. It's the pucker factor.

Fizzgig said...

#4 Is a shit ton like one step bigger than a crap ton? Cus I say crap ton, and would like to further use the shit/weight comparison.

#2 Cats are obviously better than people. Their asses are more efficient? And, their pajamas describe fantastic people. "george, you are the cat's pajamas" Also see; bee's knees.

Maxie said...

Piss-ass is my favorite phrase ever. I'm pretty sure your dad stole it from me.

Gilahi said...

I had an uncle who, whenever he wanted to describe a large amount of something, would say that he had to put it in two piles. "We caught so many fish last weekend we had to put 'em in two piles."

saratogajean said...

I would lose my shit if my dad said 'raped ape.'

Jenn said...

I'm going to use these in my conversations today.

Marie said...

Thanks for the new vocab lesson. I shall now apply it at work.

Christina_the_wench said...

*sniff* I am homesick now. *blows nose*

Thanks a f#ckin' lot.

I didn't date your dad in the late '80's, did I?

Angela said...

I'm fairly certain that my father wouldn't say any of these things. Although he laughs SUPER hard when I say "fugly," because he used to say it when he was my age.

Kellie said...

I say shit-ton too. Does that make me a red neck?

surviving myself said...

I don't know man, he sounds pretty redneck to me.

Kelly and José said...

Wow. . .my dad doesn't say anything nearly as "uniquely entertaining" as your dad.

On the other hand, Jose's dad might be able to rival some of those words/phrases. . .

We shall discuss at a later date. In the meantime, I will be observing his dad closely and put together a little list*

-Kelly

Jez said...

Son, you need to lay off the Busch Light and drink the good stuff. I know it's like $8.99/sixer, but trust me, you will thank me later. The only time you should drink Busch Light is when you're canoeing down the Upper Iowa river. Seriously.

Chocobo said...

So, how do you convert something measured in ass-loads to shit-tons? How many ass-loads are there in a shit-ton anyway?

Megkathleen said...

I don't know how I've gone through life so far not using the phrase "raped ape". That will change today.

LBluca77 said...

My cat's ass is so not going to be the same now.

Giggle Pixie said...

There was a shit-ton of piss-assin' comments made by my dad as well; a man who also grew up on a farm and as an adult became a master mechanic (not a huge leap, just sayin'). Someday I should share some of his "truisms" with you. I bet you've heard at least a few of 'em. Like, favorite color? "Piss-burnt tan." Or, the ever popular, "She talks more than a fartin' clapper on a goose's ass."

Oy. Don't get me started!!

HBee said...

I don't even know what to say.

But I will say that I'm going to start integrating these phrases into my own conversastions.

And so for that, I thank you.

Alexa said...

cat's ass is sooooo not better than other's asses.

ie. your ass

Karen said...

Sometimes first thing in the morning I get cat's ass in my face,
and it is not all that special.

One of my friends likes to call it the little brown lifesaver.

Probably not original,but packs a nice visual, does it not?

I have never figured out my grandmother's 'too pooped to pop'.
It is the 'pop' part that has always thrown me. Is popping desirable???

Karen said...

LMAO- I just googled 'too pooped to pop' and ... I doubt (and hope) this was not what Great-Grandma and Grandma meant!!
See below-

too pooped to pop 11 up, 10 down love ithate it

Too tired to continue what ever is in progress.

From pooped, meaning tired, and pop meaning ejaculate; literally, too tired to have sex. Frequently used by fogies who would be offended if they heard anyone say the literal meaning, because they don't think about what they're saying.
Why'd you stop?

pj said...

My goal for the day is to work 3 of the 5 into seperate conversations at work.

longredcape said...

"Raped Ape"! You'll have to excuse me for this. I hate this acronym, but...

LOL.

My dad's favorite phrase is "god damnit." He uses it quiet frequently.

Vicky said...

I think I'm going to start using the expression raped ape. Hmm, where could I fit it into conversation...

canadian preTzel said...

Hysterical! A box of Wanda Sykes? I love it. Where DO you come up with this stuff?

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