Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I'm Wiped

When I started this blog, many people assumed that I had some shred of dignity; an ounce of shame that I would grip like Tom Cruise to the closet door.

Then I revealed a few of my Secrets.

What started with women's deodorant is now turning to baby products.

Wet wipes to be exact.

Wet wipes are the mint on the pillow of a good bowel movement.

A pack of wet wipes in the bathroom says, "Those aren't my shoes that are squeaking, Old Chap."

And yet, so many people leave my bathroom with a confused look, asking, "What the hell are the wet wipes for?"

Well, Mudbutt, they are to make my cheeks look like Mr. Clean's head. If I want to throw a wet nap down my crack like my butt just had a bucket of chicken wings - then stay out of my biz-nass. (Oh NOW I get what Ludacris meant.)

If you are like me and shop at the greatest store in the world, Aldi, then your toilet paper is like a 4 yr old trying to eat his vegetables - it falls apart at the slightest hint of trouble and mostly just moves things around. Add a wet wipe to the mix and suddenly your ass feels like it is staying at the Ritz.

I understand it is a big jiump. Most people aren't prepared to just set that box of wet wipes on the back of their john and display to the world that they have a clean butt. All I'm saying is wait till late at night, lock the doors, put on some smooth jazz and let the velvety caress of that bath tissue take you places you've never been before.

You'll thank me later.

And if you suddenly get that "new car smell" I apologize - I just farted.

39 comments:

Kellie said...

Hahahahaha!!! That last line has me rolling!

I can honestly say that this idea has never even crossed my mind. Interesting.

Fizzgig said...

boys! Firstly, I use the charmin wet wipes myself. As does my manfriend. Who also...buys the cheapest toilet paper known to man. I have my own roll of cottonelle (with ripples!) stashed at his place! He actually claims that my TP is not comfy on the rumpuss, and that his 1 ply tissue paper "feels better".

You should make a post about why boys buy generic TP, then have to buy name brand wet wipes to clean their butts.

LBluca77 said...

I have to say I am a bit intrigued by this wet wipes idea. Just might give it a try.

moooooog35 said...

You have pillows in your bathroom?

Also...dude:

One word of advice on the wet wipes:

They aren't meant for flushing.

You've been warned

surviving myself said...

My best friend is a HUGE proponent of baby wipes. He even brings a travel pack to my apt when he comes over.

Kristen said...

I prefer the Kandoo Flushable Toddler wipes myself.

They're really good for an after nookie mop up too.

Did I just overshare? Because I'm feeling like maybe everyone is oversharing today and it's okay.

20-Something said...

I don't know what it is with boys... you're like the third or fourth boy I've met/heard of who swears by this. I've yet to find a girl that loves wiping with baby wipes. Is this a male thing only?

fiona said...

Good for you dear!
Lets face it, you never know when somebody might want to kiss your a'ss

Allison M. said...

You and the BF - he uses wet wipes too!

chevelin said...

I've been doing this for years. The rest of the developed world is pretty much disgusted that America is so reliant on JUST paper.

SS+1 said...

I don't know if calling someone a Mudbutt or referring to your own farts as having a "New car smell" was more hilarious. Love it!

raych said...

Hmm....I might have to try this out

Ben said...

Read this while eating. Shouldn't have.

lacochran said...

Congratulations, you continue to amaze me. I thought "Would Ya Wednesday" was as low as you could go.

But a reference to "smooth jazz"? For the love of god, tell me its not Kenny G.

Honestly, this changes everything. EVERYTHING.

Oh, and you forgot the candles.

Donny Ruth said...

You are living in a life of luxury that men like me can only dream of. If you are ever arrested and taken to jail, please leave the wet naps at home. You are going to want your asshole to be as unappealing as possible.

Warmest regards,
-Donny.

Maxie said...

I love wet wipes.... but I only poop at home.

I mean I never poop b/c girls don't poop.

Himbo said...

Interesting.

I had no idear.

Douchegirl said...

Well, since we're all sharing...

I don't use baby wipes. I actually WASH. Like, I grab a little cup, fill it up with water, grab some soap and wash the area.

I really can't stand not washing.

Arjewtino said...

This must be the day we all reveal some embarrassing hygienic habit of ours.

Like t-shirt-in-underwear-tucking.

Himbo said...

Douchegirl: is that how you got your name?

Deutlich said...

I can't even comprehend why anyone would NOT have wet wipes.

Who the fuck wants crusty ass?!

Matt said...

Do they come in pocket-sized containers so they can travel with you?

Bon Don said...

Wipes are great! My hubby uses them too, I have portable "women's wipes" too (i keep them in my bra on the way to the restroom at work)TMI???

rs27 said...

The only time i've been to Aldi I bought 36 boxes of Mac and cheese.

I ate them all that night.

Don't judge

Karen said...

I've written about this before. Ass wipes are where it is.

I posted my labels in case you're madly curious, which helped me come to a realization that I REALLY need to organize my labels. Sheesh.

Giggle Pixie said...

My husband shares this particular...um..."assnap" fetish. It always makes me wonder what the hell he's been eating that's making his ass so filthy that he needs a wet wipe for it. LOL

Angela said...

I defintely have Luda stuck in my head now.

Smash said...

Your roomie warned me I might pee my pants reading this, he did not say anything about shitting my pants... can I have a wet wipe now?

PS I am slightly disappointed you did not mention the OTHER use for wet wipes! Or is that for Momina Nomina's sake?

Alexa said...

narm this is gross.

knowing you personally and having to see you in public places i will now forever think of you wiping your ass.

our friendship is over, sad.

Marie said...

Do you add baby powder on afterwords? Just wondering.

dmb5_libra said...

there is nothing wrong with wet wipes....i use them (but im a girl)

Beth said...

We have wet wipes in both bathrooms in our house.

People think we are crazy and weird.

But my roomates and I are innovative.

longredcape said...

Don't apologize about the new car smell. The new car smell RULES.

Nilsa said...

This has to be one of the funniest things I've read in the past minute. Whew! But, now I need to run to the store to pick up my hubby some you know what!

Heff said...

Dude, I laughed so hard at this post that now HEFF needs a wet wipe for his ass.

Great product placement ad. I'm SOLD.

Melange said...

I can handle the new car smell if you don't mind my rose scented gas emissions. You heard me, rose scented. True story.

Desert Rat said...

I have wet wipes in my bathroom too! Totally Necessary!

Hammen said...

That toilet paper/eating vegetables comparison was gold. Pure gold.

canadian preTzel said...

i am so with you on this one. it's actually the real reason i decided to have kids. that way the wipe box in the bathroom doesn't prompt any unwanted questions. you should consider it.