I'm sitting on my couch doing a lot of nothing and I can't stop smelling my armpits.
And let me tell you - they smell terrible.
But I can't stop. It's like there is nicotine under there or something. I did absolutely no physical activity today so there is no reason for them to smell like cotton candy and vinegar - but they does, Reader, they does.
Here's a dirty little Secret - sometimes I wear women's deodorant. Not all the time - but I definitely have a stick of Secret floating around my room. It's strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a pussy.
Let me explain - I used to sweat like one of the Olsen twins at an all-you-can-eat buffet - but then one morning when leaving your mom's house (zing!) I stole some of her deodorant and discovered how easy women had it.
I'm convinced if New Orleans had rubbed Secret Powder Soft all over the levies that hurricane would have been nothing more than a quick shower. Wearing Secret is like telling a math problem to a cast member of The Hills - NOTHING is getting through. Secret is like watching your grandpa try to take a piss - work all night and still not get a drop.
I've said too much.
All I know is that men's deodorant smells like a used car saleman. I don't want to smell like "Pure Sport". I am actually wearing deodorant so that I DON'T smell like I've been playing sports all day.
"What's that you are wearing?"
"Oh this? It's called 'Bottom of the Pile-Up at Baltimore Ravens Training Camp'"
"Ooooh I can really smell the swamp ass."
So instead I wear Secret Powder Soft. And I do it with pride. When someone on the bus says, "Who smells so good?" I'm not afraid to raise my hand and say, "I do! I smell great, Sir."
Because I am Sure it's me.