Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Pits

I'm sitting on my couch doing a lot of nothing and I can't stop smelling my armpits.

And let me tell you - they smell terrible.

But I can't stop. It's like there is nicotine under there or something. I did absolutely no physical activity today so there is no reason for them to smell like cotton candy and vinegar - but they does, Reader, they does.

Here's a dirty little Secret - sometimes I wear women's deodorant. Not all the time - but I definitely have a stick of Secret floating around my room. It's strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a pussy.

Let me explain - I used to sweat like one of the Olsen twins at an all-you-can-eat buffet - but then one morning when leaving your mom's house (zing!) I stole some of her deodorant and discovered how easy women had it.

I'm convinced if New Orleans had rubbed Secret Powder Soft all over the levies that hurricane would have been nothing more than a quick shower. Wearing Secret is like telling a math problem to a cast member of The Hills - NOTHING is getting through. Secret is like watching your grandpa try to take a piss - work all night and still not get a drop.

I've said too much.

All I know is that men's deodorant smells like a used car saleman. I don't want to smell like "Pure Sport". I am actually wearing deodorant so that I DON'T smell like I've been playing sports all day.

"What's that you are wearing?"

"Oh this? It's called 'Bottom of the Pile-Up at Baltimore Ravens Training Camp'"

"Ooooh I can really smell the swamp ass."

So instead I wear Secret Powder Soft. And I do it with pride. When someone on the bus says, "Who smells so good?" I'm not afraid to raise my hand and say, "I do! I smell great, Sir."

Because I am Sure it's me.

29 comments:

Deutlich said...

Dude! I wear men's degree!

hahahaa

moooooog35 said...

I've tried using my wife's deodorant.

There are two problems:

1) Although I don't want to smell like the bottom of the Baltimore Ravens pile-up, I actually have a lesser desire to smell like a "Southern Peach" or "Asian Pear" (wtf is up with smelling like fruit?!) or - God forbid - "Kuko Coco Butter." I don't even WANT to know what Kuko Coco Butter is. I think it has something to do with cereal.

2) Ladies deodorant doesn't have the consistency to NOT fall apart on my armpit hair. As such, my underarm actually ends up looking like my dog left out in a snowstorm. As such, the only way this shit would work is if my armpit HAIR somehow started sweating.

This is why men's deodorant is made partially of Teflon.

Hey..I smell peaches!

taawd said...

narm, i don't think i've laughed so hard in my life.

first, if i had a bizillion secrets, my secret about Secret would not be one I'd publicize.

i commend you on your honesty and er, bravery.

i hope you have stopped sniffing your pits now.

lacochran's evil twin said...

I agree that men's deodorant smells nasty. Where do they come up with this stuff? Most men *don't* want to smell like old sailor. Have you tried Secret Jasmine Orient yet?

matt said...

Dude - you're not right. I'm glad that you are a fellow Clevelander. We need more like people like you.

LadyFriend said...

Reader: Don't be fooled! He has multiple sticks of Secret floating around! and even a few knock-off brands!

Marie said...

First time reader of your blog. I just cracked up laughing. :)

-A said...

You've just been dying to find a way to slip in an analogy about your pissing grandpa, haven't you? Kudos on the many successful comparisons.

Jenn said...

Oh how I wish this was a video blog!

You crack me up. I'm sure I've said this before.

fiona said...

Been lurking around reading your blog for days now and pissing myself laughing, wishing I had grandpas problem. You are making me incontinent! :-)
Tad of friendly female advice:
You must try Dove pro-age:
"all day protection with the extra care your underarm skin needs right now"
I for one did not know Pit skin needed special attention. Thanks to "Unilever" for keeping us informed. Who needs Pit callouses ?

raych said...

We wear the same deodorant. Well, one of the same deodorants I wear. I have a collection (because I'd rather have too many than none laying around) which includes men's Gillette and Axe Vice.

Mon said...

well thats cus we have antipersperant. If you got sweaty pits you need an antipersperant.

I cant believe men just sweat and cover the odor. you need to get to the root of the problem. The sweat!

Hex said...

As long as we're putting out embarrasing Secret secrets -- when I was younger I had sort of a phobia about what might happen if I ever put on secret, because I somehow really bought into that whole "made for a woman" thing.

It's like that whole "taking a midol would mess a guy up" thing you used to hear in junior high.

rs27 said...

Yeah I don't want a Secret of anything. Well maybe the secret to a woman's pants.

That thing is like a labyrinth.

I just use water and crayons.

Sarah said...

deutlich - i wear mens degree too!

because i'm really not interested in smelling like flowers or fruit - it just smells showery and clean.

ANG* said...

wow. best post ever.
when/if i ever meet you - i will be sniffing your pits. just an fyi.

and i agree with jenn - you need to do a video post.

c.watson said...

That was freakin hilarious. My ex used to use my deodorant if he spent the night, and I do remember him saying that it was kind of nice. Maybe all men secretly want to use women's products. Be careful or soon you'll be moisturizing and using pore strips.

Kelly and José said...

very clever,

all I can think of is

Did you ever try "Teen Spirit"

I've only smelt it , I wonder how it works compared to Secret. I don't see anyone writting songs refencing secret in them, perhaps someone should

Jose

Allison M. said...

I've only worn the BFs deo once. And, I suspect if you keep wearing your girlfriend's, you will also be single.

Nilsa S. said...

So, my fiance is a sweater. And I don't mean no chorded, bulky thing that keeps you warm. And he uses this stuff called Certain Dri, in addition to his regular deodorant. I think he puts it on at night before he goes to bed. And it seems to help with his sweaty issues. Might be worth looking into instead of having to admit you use Secret. :-)

Douchegirl said...

I LOVED this post! I remember reading once that the best way for women to stop sweaty, smelly pits was to wear men's deodorant. I guess it's not true, huh? BTW, you should try Dove's cucumber and lemongrass deodorant. You'll love it.

rona said...

Hahahaha, too funny. I from time to time wear men's deoderant, cuz, like someone else mentioned, I don't want to smell like fruit, I just want to smell clean.

I have had a hard, hard time finding any women's deoderant I like that actually works. I, too, finally settled ont he Dove cucumber stuff. Cucumbers are definitely better pears or peaches or vanilla!

LBluca77 said...

That is why men wear so much cologne so they can cover up all of the stinkiness.

PrincessB said...

First time reader and I nearly peed my pants reading this one. I'm a former Columbus resident...Go Bucks!

I agree with Nilsa, try the Certain Dry.

Or..Secret clinical strength unscented. But then...I do like a man who smells of baby powder. My man friend/pseudo boyfriend smells like powder naturally. Nice.

MsPuddin said...

well I'm glad I'm not sitting next to you...

I learned about my funk back in the 6th grade. Nothing was ever strong enough, I had to start wearing men's deoderant. However, women get to cover up the smell of bad deoderant with lotions and sprays and whatnot...

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

i didn't read t his post. i is jus drunk!

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Dude, I think I wore women's deodorant twice because I ran out of my own. I definitely felt cleaner though.

james in washington said...

I'm sold! (on women's powder secret). Get me to CVS!

Maxie said...

I love men's deodorant, but just because it smells delicious. And I don't sweat that much so it doesn't really matter.