Friday, August 1, 2008

Make Up Your Damn Mind, Fortune Cookie

I made mistakes yesterday - meaning I again visited my favorite pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet known as Tang's Wok. You know what that means! FORTUNE TIME!

Now I don't like to brag (lie) but I consider myself a fairly accurate pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet participant. I load that little styrofoam carton up like Brittany Spears' baby oven and throw out my prediction "$7.21!" and without fail - I get it withing 20-30 cents. I've seen lesser men buckle under the pressure - a full dollar off, Buddy - what is this, amateur hour?

Anyways yesterday I had the equivalent of the no-hitter, the 300-game of Chinese buffet - I nailed 2 lbs on the dot. Hold your applause, please.

I may or may not have raised my arms in triumph and taken a lap around the place telling everyone I was the greatest - but the details aren't important - what is important is that the cashier girl recognized my accomplishment and awarded me the greatest prize in the world - TWO fortune cookies (and apparently, a run-on sentence).

Now - I like to think she could see greatness when it looked her in the eye. I like to think that her entire life had been waiting for a moment like this - a moment where someone would realize what was at stake in the world of pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffets and rise to that challenge - but I think she may have just been hitting on me.

Wait - my girlfriend reads this...shit...did I say hit on me? I mean...LOOK A DINOSAUR!

(*runs away)





Ok I think we are in the clear. Anyways - I of course downed two pounds of ridiculously awesome Chinese food as fast as possible because everyone knows it is illegal to eat the fortune cookie until you join the Clean Plate Club.

My world was shattered by the following fortunes -

"Diligence is the mother of good fortune."

Ok, Fortune Cookie 1 - you are telling me that if I buckle down and work hard, good things will happen. Fair enough - lets see what Fortune Cookie 2 says -

"The principle business of life is to enjoy it."

Fuck you Fortune Cookies! How can I enjoy life if I am being all diligent all the time? Have you ever heard the word "diligent" and "enjoy" in the same sentence?

"Dude, I tell you what - I have been diligent about that swing-set over there and it paid off man."

NO!

Stupid contradicting fortune cookies.

I, of course, spent the next 15 minutes pouting in my office because, lets face it, that was bullshit. Then my buddy comes over and claims to have the worst fortune ever - to which I was skeptical - I mean we've all had the "advice" fortune which just tell you what you SHOULD be doing (see mine above) and every so often we all have the empty fortune cookie - which is a bad sign all around.

His topped that -

"Commitment is the stuff character is made of the power to change the face of things."

THAT IS NOT A SENTENCE. His fortune sounds like something from a George Bush speech. Which got me to thinking - our president is not even qualified to write fortune cookies. How embarrassing.

"Commitment is the stuff character is made of the power to change the face of things."

Can someone please tell me what that means? I think it is two fortunes put together - like some kind of creepy fortune cookie love child. "Commitment is the stuff character is made of." and "Character is the power to change the face of things." had a few too many drinks, were next to each other in flip cup - "Commitment..." didn't have a place to crash so "Character..." offered his couch and BAM - 9 months later this fortune popped out.

Moral of the story - there are no winners in the Wok of Shame.

19 comments:

Nilsa S. said...

Moral of the story: Quit being so diligent by guessing your poundage and maybe you'll enjoy life a little more. ONE fortune cookie at a time.

taawd said...

i'm going to beat mel to the punch on this one...

of course, if you add "in between the sheets," things get even more interesting.

i need a mathematician to figure out that equation.

by the way, i'm still looking for the answer on which building on the west bank. hit me up on my blog.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

I'm surprised that your fortune was you biggest problem after 2 lbs of pay-by-the-pound Chinese food.

-A said...

How on Earth did you manage to finish 2 pounds of Chinese food and polish off the fortune cookies? I'm impressed.

Agreed, that's a total George Bushism. I'd believe it came from one of his speeches.

chevelin said...

That is pretty good. Almost like my once-upon-a-time fortune:

"Maybe you can live on the moon in the next century."

Maybe?

Mel said...

Dammit. See what happens when I'm actually WORKING at work... taawd goes and tries to take away my "in bed" fortune cookie moment.

But even then, I can't even get it to sound dirty.

*sigh*

Defeated today. Oooh, hello dinosaur...

So@24 said...

How about the fact that neither of those "fortunes" said anything about your future???

rs27 said...

Worst fortune cookie ever?

"Confusion remains upon you and your friends for lifestyle"

What does that mean?

c.watson said...

The favorite one I ever got was "Someone will give you a cake."

Sure I had to wait 6 months til it was my birthday, and it was my mom, but damn that fortune was spot on.

Mel said...

And now that I'm not working again, I have a couple fortunes hanging on my corkboard by my desk.

#1 says, "A big fortune will descend upon you this year."

#2 says, "The path is getting easier from here on out. Luck is helping."

The only connection I can make is that the font was bigger on the second paper.

I'm still waiting on whoever that Luck person is.

Julie_Gong said...

Tag's Wok sounds real dirty dirt.

me likie

moooooog35 said...

Yeah...but how was the dog? Chewy?

I hate chewy dog.

Angela said...

LOL, Old George Dubbya probably WOULD say something like that. He'd get that in his fortune cookie and have it in a speech the next day.

catscratch said...

Bwaahahahaa. That is awesome! I usually come within 20 cents everytime... I never get anything different.

Everytime I go, my little container looks exactly the same. Depending on if I get an extra lo mein noodle or two (those things are way heavy).

So, I'm glad that you don't have a fortune cookie nazi and that she is free giving of the fortune cookie.

Check this out. It's my saga of the fortune cookie.

http://rantingdiva.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=67

http://rantingdiva.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=54

http://rantingdiva.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=63

Hex said...

The way he speaks half the time, George W couldn't order chinese food without starting a war.

Condi, he said there was a Dinosaur!!

Kelly said...

You are only allowed one fortune cookie a day.

End of story*

just a girl... said...

that is fucking funny. You are well on your way to the fortune cookie ban. I have been there for about a year. I now refuse to read them and get pissed at the fact that I have to pull the fortune out.

Reading your blog is efforless. Glad I found it.

LBluca77 said...

I am very impressed with your pay-by-the-pound Chinese food. Now I am craving chinese food. Thanks a lot!!!

Bobby_2010 said...

you know...the thing is...with those two fortunes..you just read the diligent one for the days you have to work...and the other one for the weekends..or days off...how's that sound??