Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Not a Bic Deal

You know when you can hum a couple of lines of a song but you can't quite think of the lyrics or who sang it - and when you try to sing it to a friend you just sound like an idiot - then a half hour later when you are in the middle of an intelligent conversation about immigration you are like, "STAY BY LISA LOEB!!! DAMNIT!" and everyone thinks you are crazy?

Well I've noticed something even more annoying than that.

Someone has been crawfishing my blue Bic pens.

Obviously at first I was going all Russel Crowe and throwing phones at people - but then I calmed down and decided I had to get to the bottom of this Inspector Gadget style - Go Go Gadget Unproductivity!

After combing the streets for witnesses and using DNA research - my Boss tried on the bloody glove and voila - it fit. So my Boss is stealing my pens - I can handle that. They are free in the mail room and, well, just a fucking pen.

But the next discovery had me more confused - I have never in my life seen her use a Bic pen. So what is happening? Is she stashing them away in some drawer in case there is ever a flood and she needs to make a raft out of pens? Is she the Jim Halpert to my Dwight Shrute in some sort of office prank?

And then it occurred to me - her Bics were probably ALSO getting stolen - in some sort of vicious circle they were making their way around the entire office.

Making me the bottom of the food chain.

And when you think about it - the office setting really is a microcosm of the circle of life in that the...

BILLY OCEAN 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS'

Oh man I have been trying to think of that all day.

23 comments:

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

Someone has got to stock those pens in the supply room, so if you think about it you're not really the bottom of the food chain, more like the protozoa that eats the bacteria.

surviving myself said...

And into my car!

Yes.

catscratch said...

Don't ya hate that? I mean pen theives and elusive songs.

That combination is enough to totally make one lose it.

Nilsa S. said...

Imagine how the mail room feels. You are by far NOT the bottom of the totem pole, Mister.

lacochran said...

I was in a meeting once and had to sign a page that was working it's way around the room. I pulled out a pen that was a gift from my sister, signed the sheet, and passed the pen with the sheet to the next person. She very firmly handed the pen back to me and said "This is not the type of pen you pass around! You'll never get it back!" So I put it away. A week later, I lost it.

Um, The End.

Jenn said...

I never lend out pens that I like. I'm a pen hoarder. I've been like that since grade school. Eff'in pen thieves.

rs27 said...

I thought this was going to be about razors.

Then I realized this isn't 1988.

Allison M. said...

Get into my car.

matt said...

I give you points for finding a way to work both Billy Ocean and a Lisa Loeb mention, into this post.

Brilliant!

c.watson said...

People don't steal my pens but I always lose them. Usually because I get annoyed and throw them across the room and my office is piled high with decade old papers and old press kits so once something leaves your desk it is gone forever.

Hex said...

Dude, you're preaching to the choir on this one, because the same thing happens to me at my job.

LBluca77 said...

You need to get one of those nifty pen necklaces. Sure fire way to never get stolen again.

JustinS said...

Two words: coke straws. She's using them to snort blow then tossing the evidence in the trash. Fucking junkies.

Angela said...

As a waitress, I hate when my pens get stolen. The nicer the pen, the more likely it is that a customer will take it.

rawbean said...

There is a girl at my office that if you ask her a question, she will grab your pen to sketch something and then ALWAYS walks away with your pen. I work in an architecture firm so we have nice pens, none of that ball point shit. I always call her on it - "Yo, that's MY PEN" I say as I whip it out of her guilty hands.

Maybe you need to start putting a piece of red tape around your pens so you can track them :)

Alexa said...

allison is stealing you pens. you KNOW she is

Maxie said...

I do that with songs all the time. Sometimes years later... the worst case of it I've ever had is with that song Tom's Diner or whatever it's called. You know... do do do do do do do do. Okay that's not working. Just google it.

taawd said...

rawbean is on to something -- you gotta put those exploding security devices on the pens.

sure, they may make writing a little difficult but it won't take the culprit anytime to try to take the device off. just wait until you see someone walking around the office with red all over them. case closed.

for the record, i've always thought the world has always needed a lisa loeb and billy ocean duet. i'm thinking it's on the soundtrack of the next good chick flick!

why couldn't billy ocean be happy with his given name leslie sebastian charles -- it was a rock jeopardy answer. i'm just sayin'

moooooog35 said...

You know the saying:

"If she steals your Bic, she'll love your dick."

I just made that up, but go for it anyway.

Beth said...

My roommates and I stole every pen we own from the bank.

We have a vase full of pens. Hundreds and hundreds of pens.

You can borrow one if you'd like.

MsPuddin said...

my roommate made a flower out of her work pen, now if someone steals it they look stupid.

Emma said...

I work at the front desk of a hotel and we cannot keep pens here whatsoever. I feel your pain.

Also, this post gave me a good laugh right when I needed one. So gracias.

just a girl... said...

Okay so I am not a tech geek. But how funny would it be to put a microchip in a pen and see how far it goes. I bet it travels more than a dollar bill.