Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Gay Until Proven Straight

I like to pretend to be grown up, so now instead of late night binge drinking, I get sauced during 5 o'clock Happy Hour. Ahhh responsibility.

A few weeks ago two coworkers decided it was time for bad decisions - so to the bar we went. My two partners in crime were single and female - and as single females - spent a majority (think 95%) of our time talking about guys at the bar.

Side note - why didn't I get the memo that all men were supposed to congregate at bars at exactly 5pm everyday? Is it supposed to be part of my mating instincts? I didn't realize guys were supposed to show up at 5pm, pay for a bunch of drinks, make small talk and then go home without a number. I hope Nature realizes how easy it has it. I wish all I had to do was swim miles and miles upstream like the salmon, or have the female eat my brains like a praying mantis instead of having conversations about the new Sex and the City movie.

While evaluating the room, my female cohorts insisted on asking the "male opinion" of every guy in the bar (hint ladies - guys don't like guys they don't know. It is our nature. I don't like a guy until he has made me laugh, until that point I reserve the right to call him either a douche bag, or, if he looks like an ok guy, profess my indifference to his existence.)

To my amazement - almost every conversation went like this:

Coworker #1 - He's kind of cute...
Coworker #2 - Yeah but look at his shoes...
Coworker #1 - Yeah I think he might be gay.

Approximately 83% of the guys they talked about they assumed to be gay. Now, I'm not a mathematician (although it does rhyme with magician - and I'm definitely one of those) but I am pretty sure only about 5% of the population is gay. In Cleveland, Ohio - that number is probably a bit lower than the average. Not saying there is not a thriving gay community here, but this is what you see in Cleveland, not this. (Wait - that wasn't stereotyping at all, was it?)

Is this really how girls think? That every single guy at the bar is gay? The most amazing thing was the lack of reasoning. One guy was "gay" because he was dressed too well - the next was wearing a shirt and pants that didn't match, so he HAD to be "gay". How does that work? In a girl's mind, a gay man either dresses extremely well or embarrassingly bad? Is there some kind of bell curve?

Do guys need to hang red meat off of their shirt, have saw dust in their hair and be operating a chain saw before you consider them straight? (Again with the stereotyping, sorry). Even if you talk to a guy and he IS gay - couldn't he fulfill every girl's biggest dream? No wait, thats strappy shoes - SECOND biggest dream - the Will & Grace fantasy of having a gay best friend. If I was gay I would get so many chicks. I'd be all like, "Oh I really understand what you mean." and "He's such a jerk! Let's have a topless pillow fight." And then all the chicks would swoon and I'd take off my designer sweater and be like "HA! I'm actually straight - lets make whoopie!"

I think I may have gotten a bit off topic.

Lets run down things that are commonly confused for pinpointing a guy as gay:

Over the age of 25 and single
Well Dressed
Not hitting on you at that given moment

So ladies, not EVERY guy you see at the bar is gay, I promise. Only the ones that can actually dance.


Claire said...

Well. I might be angry today or it might be the fact that people are ridic.

You know when a guy is gay? When he asks you to hook him up with one of your friends. One of your guy friends.

Most guys who look fashionable at a bar dress that way because they are savvy, because their sister bought it for them, or because they are trying to land girls.

Just because they aren't trying to land you doesn't mean they are gay, but it might mean you need to work on your game...

Check yourself ladies. It isn't just men who have to prove themselves to you.

BloggingJason said...

Would I be gay if I wanted to elope with your blog?

Because it might be worth the price....

Alexa said...

what the hell kind of naive girls are you hanging out with that think all men are gay?!? let me guess they are princesses?

sheltered princesses.

p.s. i don't like guys till they make me laugh either. until then, waste of space.

Allie-gator said...

Going to agree with Alexa...waste of space for sure!

I think girls make up those excuses so they don't feel unwanted. It's easier to say "oh he's gay" than "Oh, he just doesn't like me"

fish0462 said...

Maybe these girls just weren't attractive enough? Usually no matter what girl tho they will eventually get hit on. Guys standards are kind of like a gas tank when they first get to the bar they have a full tank of gas and they have some high expectations. As the night goes on it keeps getting lower and lower. Until it hits about 130-2 the tank is about empty and its time to go find any girl you can.

Emma said...

I'm sorry you had to talk about the new Sex and the City Movie. I would have wanted out of that conversation as well.

Rachel said...

No, no, no.

Maybe it's just the area, but I see the conversation, in my case, going more like...

Coworker #1 - He's kind of cute...
Coworker #2 - Yeah but look at his shoes...
Coworker #1 - Yeah I think he might have a girlfriend.

rs27 said...

You know how I know your gay?

You say everyone else is gay.

Thats what I would have said. Works everytime

Narm said...

Claire - thats for backing me up on this. And still hate that you are leaving the Land of Cleves.

BloggingJason - at least buy it a drink first. This blog isn't a slut. (kidding - its totally a slut)

Alexa - your last two entries have made me laugh out loud - even though I am in my office alone. How embarrassing.

Allie-Gator - I'm going to start calling girls lesbians when they turn me down. "Can I have your number? No? Lesbo."

Fish0462 - ahhh beer goggles. I, thanksfully, haven't fulfilled my prescription for those in quite awhile

Emma - A girl that doesn't like SATC? I didn't think that was possible. Congrats.

Rachel - hysterical. I actually had a friend call and tell me to check my comments immediately because of this one.

rs27 - way to put their thing down, flip it and reverse it. I am lame.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Figured since my blog's name has the word wiener in it, I should leave a comment!


surviving myself said...

I'm working on getting this steak to hang just right, but it's not working too well.