I've decided I want theme music.
I'm not really sure who I go to for this request - but it needs to happen.
Don't confuse theme music with a theme song. I don't want a theme song - I already have one of those (hint: replace lyrics with my last name: Nomina). I want music to play representative of the situation.
If I am walking down the street on a sunny day - I want the Peanuts theme song. I know, I know - awesome, right? This may, or may not be accompanied with all grown ups making the "wah wah wah" noise when they talk. (In this situation I'm not a grown up - just go with it.)
When the coffee pot is empty at work? Fur Elise. I think this would be much more dramatic while simultaneously letting people know that saying anything remotely cheery in my direction will result in decapitation. Or death. Or mumbled pleasantries.
When I go to all the "cool bars" I tried to make it sound like I frequent in the post below and then try to talk to girls - circus music. This is because trainwrecks don't have a theme song. Watching me hit on girls is like watching Paula Abdul act sober - I pull it off for a little bit but after a few minutes you are like "WHOA! You are TERRIBLE at this, aren't you?" And then I find someone drunker to hit on.
Of course there is a song for watching Cleveland sports. Anyone who knows anything about Cleveland and sports knows that we lose in spectacular ways. The Drive. The Fumble. The Blown Save. The Shot. The Choke. You can bitch all you want about your team losing - but you couldn't handle ten minutes of losing in this town. I'm not even a Browns fan but I feel their sadness through osmosis. Or lake water. Either way we've had 130 sports seasons here without winning a championship. Beat that (except you, Cubs fans.)
And, of course, when I find myself in an animated motorcycle race that suddenly takes a turn for the worst and the drivers attack me with pipe wrenches and I push my girlfriend, that I just met, through a magic portal to get her back into the real world and then randomly start throwing myself against the wall to make myself become a real person and not a cartoon anymore - A-ha's Take On Me. God, that was a crazy Friday.
(Editor's note: I have to admit I watched the A-ha video three times consecutively while writing this post. Do I lose cool points for this? And subquestion: Do I care?)