Monday, October 6, 2008

The PETA Pits

I had every intention of posting today, Reader. Really, I did. I had grand ideas for hilarious posts that would bring joy and happiness to your Monday morning.

But then the Discovery Channel decided to play a Planet Earth marathon last night.

A man has to have priorities.

After watching for two hours last night I came to a realization.

Penguins are by far the most puntable animal.

Guys, be honest, when you see a penguin you instantly guesstimate it's height and weight and try to determine what kind of distance you could get on that lil guy.

I love penguins, don't get me wrong. I've read the Zoobooks, I've watched the shows -

But I bet I could make a 25 yard field goal with an adult penguin.



As if that isn't enough - they huddle together to make themselves look like bowling pins. Look at them! I just want to get a full head of steam and do a Pete Rose dive right into the middle of that pile.

But penguins are only found in the poles of the world - and I'm kind of broke and don't feel like taking that many days off of vacation.

No, my dream of punting penguins going to have to wait. Until then, I'll have to stick to punting normal things here in Cleveland. But I have to admit - it just won't be the same -

Poodles just don't get the same distance.

25 comments:

Nilsa S. said...

Check out the Cleveland zoo. If you can break in at night, you might be their most popular attraction by day. That is, until the police show up. Or even worse, the tigers.

surviving myself said...

I play an online game at work where a snowman hits penguins with a bat and you try and hit them as far as you can. It's pretty sweet. So yeah, I hear what you're saying.

Ben said...

With all the cuddly love that penguins are targeted for since Happy Feet and that other barrage of penguins doing things that aren't socially acceptable in their clique of sitting on eggs and most certainly not dancing to pop music, they can probably handle being targeted for sports or aggression outlets from time to time.

Mon said...

penguines are adorable. if you wanna kick animals, my vote is for snakes. they can eat people! penguins just vomit fish for their kids.

Phil said...

I fully support the kicking of poodles.

stealthnerd said...

I don't know if this helps, but when I was in Hawaii, they had penguins at my hotel. Apparently some penguins are big pussies and couldn't handle the poles so they had to get shipped to the tropics. But it's less days off of work and a much better vacation than the arctic.

Marie said...

Try cats. What? I don't like cats. Especially the ones that live out in alleyways and give you looks like they are going to scratch your eyes out.

I have issues.

Kristen said...

Poodles are only puntable if you're going down stairs.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Christina_the_wench said...

Any dog (or cat) under 50 pounds earns the title of "kick me dog". Have at it.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

Fuck you for making me spit coffee all over my keyboard with the phrase, "Penguins are by far the most puntable animal."

Jerk.

Maxie said...

Isn't there some kind of kick a penguin game? I swear I've played something like that before.

matt said...

I could be up for punting a penguin or two. Do you know where we can score a few?

moooooog35 said...

Big poodle or toy poodle?

You need to be specific, because some of those big poodles are actually ride-able.

Don't ask me how I know that.

For your punting consideration:

Hairless cats.

...or hairy ones...you pick, I'm not fussy.

Kelly and José said...

My summer job throughout high school was at Sea World -- I used to love that our break room was inside Penguin Encounter. Not only was it the perfect place to escape the heat, but those penguins are pretty freaking adorable :)

-Kelly

pj said...

Obviously you don't have kids!

rs27 said...

Why are penguins always wearing formal wear?

I don't have a punchline for that joke.

c.watson said...

same thing for yappy little dogs. You might not be able to get the distance but the personal satisfaction goes miles.

Heff said...

Yeah, kicking penguins would give me Happy Feet without question.

LBluca77 said...

Penguins are so adorable. Poodles are not.

fiona said...

You do realise those friggin Emperors
weigh in at 80-90lbs?
Don't want you stubbing your wee tootsies!

wc#3 said...

Now that the Chihuahua movie has come out, how much distance do you think you could get on one of those? They're far more available, and I doubt many PETA types would complain :D

So@24 said...

What about kittens?

...


There goes my female readership.

April said...

I was going to make a joke about babies. But some people are really sensitive about that. And I mean come on, I was only joking. I am a mother after all. I have never drop kicked a baby. Successfully anyway. But in all fairness it was my nephew and he's a pain in the ass so he deserved it. And if you knew him you would agree. And right after you agreed you would punt. It's that simple. But I'm not a monster or anything. I swear. Shit. You're going to call CPS on my aren't you?

Leah said...

haha ZOOBOOKS! Wow.

Evil Genius said...

I think the penguins in that picture are trying to tell us something. They're in a formation that appears to be a backwards United States map. Hmmmmm....

But I would totally punt poodles with you. You name the date and time and I'm SO there.