Monday, March 9, 2009

Ageless

I have a beard.

We all know this - and we all understand how important my beard is to society.

But I really thought my beard was the only thing stopping me from looking like a strapping young college boy - rather than a strapping, sophisticated lumber jack.

I graduated college three years ago.

THREE YEARS.

Know what has happened in the last three years? Britney spears had two babies, shaved her head, got her crotch on video more than her singing voice and is now a role model again.

Also, my 16,000 hours of free AOL expired. DAMNIT.

Know what else happened in the last 3 years? I turned into a 47 year old man.

I had the opportunity to sit in on a senior level course at a local university last night. Walking in I thought, "What would I do if there was a zombie attack RIGHT NOW." Once I devised a plan I thought, "I have only been out of school for 3 years - these kids are my peers!"

Nope.

They were babies.

I looked like the oldest guy in America. Maybe North America.

At the end I was giving them hard candy from my pocket and telling them the same story 4 times.

Then I peed my pants.

But I have to admit - as depressing as it was to realize I have become an old man -

My beard looked GREAT.

34 comments:

pj said...

Pretty soon you will have to dye your beard, that's when you know you have made it big time.

Soda and Candy said...

My husband was the first person I ever dated with meaningful levels of facial hair. I love it when he grows his beard.

I like beards as long as they're well-groomed and don't have, like, pieces of food or birds in them.

PS - On the subject of growing old; please, nothing ages you like a mortgage. Especially these days!

LadyFriend said...

If peeing your pants is cool.. consider me with a beard...

Deutlich said...

3 years?

psh...

HBee said...

What did you do after you peed your pants?

surviving myself said...

At least it wasn't poop.

Kellie said...

If you are old then I am ancient. I graduated 7 years ago. I should basically have my hubs put me in a senior care facility.

Marie said...

At least you didn't poop in your pants. That would have been way worse.

Matt said...

I can still out drink those little sons of bitches.

I've only been out 2 years... but I was on the seven year college plan.

moooooog35 said...

They let you go to college?!?

I had no idea the small buses traveled into town that far.

Good for you.

Deslyxia said...

Since your old now, do you meet the old guy requirement of saying "working hard or hardly working?" 17 times a day?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

wait till your beard starts turning gray and you have your use "just for men beard dye"

the little comb thing scares me.

fiona said...

Oh you sweet YOUNG thing! You see if you really were old, you'd have been wearing "Depends" and wouldn't have even noticed that you'd peed! bless you...

Christina_the_wench said...

I never knew you were into that peeing thing. Kinky.

f.B said...

i wish i had had a beard the last time i peed myself in a classroom. unfortunately, those two time periods of my life just didn't match up.

insomniaclolita said...

HAHAHA ROFL that line on Britney Spears. Dont tell me you dont even listen to her music and fantasize about her once in a while.

No? My baaaad!

lacochran said...

Welcome to the land of the ancients. We like to pretend with age comes wisdom. Yeah, the wisdom that we're old. Feh.

Hey, how do we know you still have a beard? It's not like you've done a v-log lately. *taps foot*

AMANDA said...

Your beard looks great, that's all that matters!

rs27 said...

If your 16,000 hours of AOL expired you must have some sweet porn on your computer.

Um, I mean, sweet downloaded books.

Gotta go.

Giggle Pixie said...

Just don't be walking around the schoolyard with a fistful of lollipops. Just sayin'.

Krystal said...

ha! i'm in grad school and just took an undergrad course...they were kids as well...i almost felt dirty checking out the boys :(

Chocobo said...

Try actually being in college and having class with the babies every day at 28. Sometimes it's awesome because they don't immediately recognize me as an older student, but sometimes I find myself announcing my age in a desperate attempt to dissociate myself from their childish prattle.

Chocobo said...

Holy crap, I just read my previous comment and decided that I sound like some elitist prick.

Ehn. You are what you are.

Angela said...

Age aint nothin but a number!

Ambles said...

You could be the Billy Maddison of the older set.

Maxie said...

I'm still a child. Today I did senior interviews at a high school and one of the dudes looked 10 years older than I do.

forever young!

Elizabeth Marie said...

Wow Britney really is amazing, sometimes I forget.

On to your beard, I think it's fine until you have to start spray painting over the gray.

cavy said...

ditto to chris...at least you didn't poop. does rogaine come in a beard formula?

Baking With Plath said...

I wish I could grow a beard. I would braid it.

Kristen said...

I stay the hell away from college campuses these days because I'm pushing 35 and those kids are little babies and it makes me want to kill myself more than just a little bit.

Ashley said...

Going back to MSU, I always feel super old. Even though everyone tells me I look like a freshman still...maybe I should grow a beard?

Hex said...

Were Wilt Chamberlin and Rafael Palmero close by doing play by play of this?

Because if they weren't it doesn't count.

Heff said...

Pay CLOSE attention to the last sentence of your post, my friend. Then hop over and witness the HARSH mistake Heff just made.

Revel in your glory !!!

Leah said...

Holy cow. I'm only 2 years out and I'm in the throws of a mid-life crisis.

I actually walked out of Friday the 13th at the theaters a couple weeks ago because I got so angry about the fact that the film glorified sex, bongs, and binge drinking. I stormed out thinking, "I wish I could forbid my students from watching this corrupting drivel!"

Yeah. I'm 23. Two years ago I celebrated my 21st birthday. With a keg.