I have a beard.
We all know this - and we all understand how important my beard is to society.
But I really thought my beard was the only thing stopping me from looking like a strapping young college boy - rather than a strapping, sophisticated lumber jack.
I graduated college three years ago.
Know what has happened in the last three years? Britney spears had two babies, shaved her head, got her crotch on video more than her singing voice and is now a role model again.
Also, my 16,000 hours of free AOL expired. DAMNIT.
Know what else happened in the last 3 years? I turned into a 47 year old man.
I had the opportunity to sit in on a senior level course at a local university last night. Walking in I thought, "What would I do if there was a zombie attack RIGHT NOW." Once I devised a plan I thought, "I have only been out of school for 3 years - these kids are my peers!"
They were babies.
I looked like the oldest guy in America. Maybe North America.
At the end I was giving them hard candy from my pocket and telling them the same story 4 times.
Then I peed my pants.
But I have to admit - as depressing as it was to realize I have become an old man -
My beard looked GREAT.