Tuesday, March 24, 2009

On A Roll

Life isn't like they show it in the movies or on television (except for me making out with hot chicks all the time - that part is true) - but that doesn't mean we don't all have a little Jack Bauer or MacGyver in us. The problem is that for REAL people - our instincts don't kick in when a nuclear warhead is about to go off or when we are trapped in a room with an explosive and nothing at our disposal but a toothpick and a baseball card.

Well - I am sure our killer instincts WOULD kick in - but instead of killing 48 bad guys and disarming the bomb we would cry and sit in the fetal position repeating, "I don't want to die...I don't want to die." At least that's what I did when I got my flu shot. That needle was big!

No - our killer instinct kicks in when we are faced with everyday problems.

Like this -

An empty paper towel roll is the equivalent to sitting next to a ticking time bomb with a gun to your head AND your girlfriend's Dad asking you what your intentions are with his daughter.

When you realize the roll is empty your instincts immediately kick in - nothing is safe: magazine, fake plant, your roommate's toothbrush - ANYTHING goes.

Suddenly you are a pantsless Einstein reviewing the chemical makeup of every item in the bathroom and analyzing it's texture in the removal process vs flushability.

And if there is no back-up plan? You have to do the awkward waddle around your home and see if there is anything else to use - while also hoping you don't see anyone or anyone else walk into the bathroom in your absence.

And then you realize how easy MacGyver had it - I mean at least HE had a baseball card.

What is the craziest toilet paper substitute you've been forced to use?

28 comments:

moooooog35 said...

My girlfriend's hand.

Luckily, she was really into that kind of stuff.

Freak.

Matt said...

Mens health magazine.

I used a page with Matt Mcconaughey modeling for Dolce and Gabana.

So it just made sense.

Fizzgig said...

hm well camping in the fall, with no soft leaves, I used a sock before. I wont mention if it was clean or dirty cus thats tmi, right?

At home, I've been known to use washcloths but that's not too weird.

Christina_the_wench said...

I yell for my kids like I've just been stabbed. They come running, I calmly tell them to go upstairs and get me a roll, all the while never moving. It's why I had children actually.

Side note..why is my Word Verification evillyr? Evil liar? Really? Moi? *bats eyes*

Burt Frost said...

Snow, surprisingly tricky... def the downside to winter camping.

longredcape said...

My dad used to sing this song that was like "stranded, over the bathroom bowl. What do you do when you're stranded, and you don't have a roooooll? To prove you're a man you must wipe with your hand!"

Maxie said...

a loofah.

don't worry-- i threw it out.

Ashley said...

I like that you refer to it as a "paper towel roll."

And a glove. It too was flushed...

Soda and Candy said...

I think I've used leaves when out in the Australian bush (you would say, in the woods) as a small child.

Lauren said...

I had a male roommate who would continuously leave the toilet paper roll like that.

After much yelling he finally understood that OH YES you can change it with the perfectly good rolls under the counter.

Now, I believe that he's going to make some girl quite happy.

Oh, and if for some reason we are out of toilet paper, tissues always work wonders.

surviving myself said...

Leaves. Hey, at least it wasn't poison ivy, like my friend did one time.

fiona said...

I'm with Christina on this one!
That's what kids are for...I have 3, every bathroom in the house has it's own "child"

Kellie said...

This has only happened to me once or twice and luckily there were kleenex in the bathroom so I was safe b/c really kleenex is just as good if not better. Bigger squares and they sometimes have lotion in them. Feels nice on the tushy.

insomniaclolita said...

I shouldnt read this while i was eating my muffin.

rs27 said...

Bra.

wc#3 said...

Did nobody think to jump into the shower? I'm shocked!

Je (20-Something) said...

Haha. The image of you wattling around your house with your pants around your knees is just too much.

It's not crazy, but I know for a fact that a lot of women use the towel hanging up to wipe when a boy's bathroom doesn't have TP. That should teach boys to keep TP around more often...

Hex said...

There's an old story about this exact situation that is supposedly the explanation for the widespread popularity of the Sears Catalog.

ps - I'm not kidding: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sears,_Roebuck_and_Company#Retail_stores

Violet said...

when you live in a house of seven siblings, the tp running out always seemed to happen. luckily, my mom kotex were always fully stocked! not flushable though!!!

BC said...

God I hope I don't ever catch you waddling around the apartment with a dirty butt! Just call for me and I will be happy to supply you with some TP. And if you are all alone and go searching for something to wipe ass with, make sure you grab your roommate’s toothbrush and not mine! (it's the purple one) Thanks!

Craziest substitution = bath towels at a random house party during college, which I neatly hung up after use. (And they were used for #1 not #2…I’m not that inconsiderate!)

Ben said...

So you're covering bodily fluids while Maxie leaves them off her blog for a while?

(vixenchick) said...

notebook paper. needless to say, i got a paper cut on my happy spot. it hurt like hell.

xoxo

vixen

Angela said...

I think most girls would agree that we can go without wiping if we've only gone pee. A little wiggle and shake over the toilet seat and we can be good to go. But poop? That's so awkward. I hate the waddle with pants around the legs! And if it's in a public restroom? Oh lord.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

cotton balls!

Smash said...

Oh I would laugh hysterically if your roomie caught you using his toothbrush with your pants around you ankles.

In fact, I would pay good money to watch that go down.

Just make sure you grab his toothbrush and not his gf's... she might kick your ass.

Baking With Plath said...

Underwear.

I threw them out and went commando!

Win-win, really.

cavy said...

the empty roll. it's already there, and you were gonna toss it anyway.

Allison M. said...

kleenex and that's about it. I make sure to always have tp under my sink.