Sunday, March 22, 2009
Narm Nose Ladies
If you've ever met me, you know that my face is approximately 93% nose. When I am fully bearded, as I am now, there is really very little face skin showing that isn't nose. When I lay flat on my back I look like a porcupine with a shark fin. A sexy shark fin.
I guess that is kind of redundant.
My nose is so big if I turn my head too quickly it is like a scene from the Three Stooges - everyone gets hit in the back of the head and I start making noises like "WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB".
One time I met Pinocchio and dude was like, "GODDAMN! Your pants must be on FIRE."
Side Note: Are there laws against fondling puppets? Pinocchio might be the Holy Grail for pedophiles.
Anyways, having a giant nose has it's benefits. I can ALWAYS smell what the Rock is cooking and there is no better pick-up line than, "You know what they say about guys with big noses!"
Correct answer: They wear big shoes.
But on to the point - I have a friend who is also named Jeff. Who also has a big nose. And also has dark hair.
We look nothing alike other than those very superficial features, but that didn't stop our diabolical plan.
In college, he and I would go to bars and tell girls that we were brothers from the same Dad and different Moms. We would then convince them that our Dad gave us both the name Jeff because he knew we would take our Moms' last names and he wanted us to still feel like brothers.
And they bought it.
Which just brings me back to why I am glad I have this giant shnoz -
I can smell bullshit like that coming a mile away.