Sunday, March 22, 2009

Narm Nose Ladies

If you've ever met me, you know that my face is approximately 93% nose. When I am fully bearded, as I am now, there is really very little face skin showing that isn't nose. When I lay flat on my back I look like a porcupine with a shark fin. A sexy shark fin.

I guess that is kind of redundant.

My nose is so big if I turn my head too quickly it is like a scene from the Three Stooges - everyone gets hit in the back of the head and I start making noises like "WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB".

One time I met Pinocchio and dude was like, "GODDAMN! Your pants must be on FIRE."

Side Note: Are there laws against fondling puppets? Pinocchio might be the Holy Grail for pedophiles.

Anyways, having a giant nose has it's benefits. I can ALWAYS smell what the Rock is cooking and there is no better pick-up line than, "You know what they say about guys with big noses!"

Correct answer: They wear big shoes.

But on to the point - I have a friend who is also named Jeff. Who also has a big nose. And also has dark hair.

We look nothing alike other than those very superficial features, but that didn't stop our diabolical plan.

In college, he and I would go to bars and tell girls that we were brothers from the same Dad and different Moms. We would then convince them that our Dad gave us both the name Jeff because he knew we would take our Moms' last names and he wanted us to still feel like brothers.

And they bought it.

Every time.

Which just brings me back to why I am glad I have this giant shnoz -

I can smell bullshit like that coming a mile away.


Ben said...

Um. And that's all it takes to get girls to sleep with you - a strange yet oddly believable story about family dynamics and nose size?

Girls are whores.

Angela said...

THAT is a fantastic story. It just shows how stupid some girls can be!

surviving myself said...

A sexy shark fin is redundant. Fucking hilarious dude.

Also, I have a gigantic head, so maybe if we hang out people wouldn't notice your nose as much because my head would be blocking out the sun.

Soda and Candy said...

Big noses are hott.

Kristen said...

One time I met Pinocchio and dude was like, "GODDAMN! Your pants must be on FIRE."

Hahahahahahaha!!!! That was awesome.

Kellie said...

I shit you not, my twin sister and I used to do that whenever someone would ask us the seemingly obvious "are you two sisters?" question. We assumed it is so obvious that they must be morons and we should treat them as such so we'd pull the same mom different dads story and 99% of the time they'd fall for it.

my name is Amanda said...

I've nodded my head along to all kinds of bullshit in bars, but that didn't mean I bought it!

I bet some of them just thought your nose was sexy and didn't give shit what kind of story you used to hit on them.

Maxie said...

Drunk girls will believe anything.

Basically I'm saying I will believe anything.

Kelly and José said...

Haha, I actually never noticed you having a bigger nose than average. . .although, I am Italian so everyone's nose pretty much looks normal to me :)


moooooog35 said...


The honest man's lie.

rs27 said...

If you had Patrick Ewing's nostrils then we would have issues.

insomniaclolita said...

lol i think your nose is hot, you should flaunt it!

Matt said...

this post was filled with brilliance.

plus the only joke I came up to comment with had to do with sniffing cocaine... and it just wasnt funny.

so yeah.

Fizzgig said...

its fun to believe ridiculous things when you are drunk cus you can say uh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and really believe yourself.

Lauren said...

Girls can be so gullible.

Also, I'm Jewish. I know quite a bit about big noses - esp my own.

Also also (can there be two?), this is completely random, but have you ever seen the cartoon Sealab 2021? Your "sexy shark fin" reminded me quite a bit of that show, as they have a similar line. Only about otters. Sexy little otters.

Jenn Vojta said...

Actually, I think that is how I met you and Jeff. Jakes is all coming back to me.

Deutlich said...

I'm immature, and I can't listen to men talking about their heads without immediately thinking of something else.

Next time I'll just post a comment after reading your post w/out reading other people's comments first..

I hope.

LBluca77 said...

Girls really believed this? Oh who am I kidding I am sure I would have too.

Bon Don said...

hahaha That was a good one! I so would have bought it too!

wc#3 said...

Narm, unfortunately I'm not a girl... so when I tell you I want to fondle your nose, it won't do anything for you, will it?

LiLu said...

@Ben Don't be ridiculous.

It takes a screwdriver or three too.

Smash said...

On the verge of this sounding "nice" and "friendly" I have to say I always loved your nose!

Now back to being mean to you... Miami sucks.

TishTash said...

The girls are probably lying with their padded bras, so you're about even.

Nej said...

Ah...the power of the schnoz.

"When I lay flat on my back I look like a porcupine with a shark fin. A sexy shark fin." Nicely put!!! :-)