I am 26 sexy years old.
For those of you bad at math, that means I was born in 1983. So I turned ten around the time Kurt Cobain was taking a shotgun to the last decent mainstream band of the last 20 years. I was only 15 when Seinfeld went off the air. I was 14 when Titanic came out. And I saw a Kate Winslet boob, and it was awesome.
But then came my formidable years. The teens. The 16-20 age that I should be able to tell my kids, "Back in MY day!"
But those years were swallowed by the black hole that was 1998-2004.
What am I going to tell my kids about? Korn? Ally McBeal? Is my quintessential comedy going to be...American Pie?
My era sucked. Where is my U2? Where is my "Animal House"? Where is my rebellion or my moment?
We children of the 80's have nothing to hang out hat on.
There wasn't a rock band that took over the airwaves and changed the way music would sound forever. There was no Beatles vs Rolling Stones or Pearl Jam vs Nirvana. There was Backstreet Boys vs N'Sync.
We didn't laugh along with the Huxtables - we watched Home Improvement.
We didn't stand together as a generation and fight for our voices to be heard. We didn't rebel, we didn't believe in something so strongly that we wouldn't take no for an answer. We were too busy using our 1,000 free hours of AOL in chat rooms and looking up porn.
We are an entire generation defined by the "Thong Song".
We could have at least failed at something. At least left an impression. Even disco had an impact. You could erase the years between my driver's license and my first (legal) beer - and the world would keep on moving.
People say my generation didn't have to live through any major distractions. There was no bad guy. No excuses not to be great. I disagree.
We had to stave off boredom. We didn't have a cold war - we had white noise.
And now we are in control. We are the ones making the decisions, saving the world from evil. We now have the power to make this world a better place. We can make a difference...
...right after this rerun of Friends.