Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Everyday Enemies - I'm Cold

Today brings installment of Everyday Enemies - a semi-regular feature here on WCR that allows me to scream at people on the internet. My therapist says this is much healthier than making stabbing motions at them when they turn their back.

For those of you new to Everyday Enemies, it focuses on the people and situations that interfere with my ability to make it through everyday. The people that make me question whether this rat race is worth the cheese at the end. The people who ask, "Hot enough for ya?"

Today's Everyday Enemy - The Obvious Complainer

I recently did a study that analyzed the affect of complaining to changing a situation. What I came back with was quite interesting. After extensive tests and research it turns out that COMPLAINING DOESN'T HELP EVER.

I'll pause while women everywhere pick their jaws up off the floor.

There are lots of situations that I deal with regularly that maybe I don't enjoy - being out in the cold, waiting in long lines, talking to you - yet, I realize that if I complain the entire time, it won't get better.

Know what does help shitty situations? Zoning the fuck out.

When I am stuck out in the cold in a long line talking to you, I just zone out. So when I am looking off into space, fantasizing about Taylor Swift pulling me on stage to sing 'Love Song' and then a spaceship from her home planet comes and beams us up and the Jonas Brothers are steering the ship, then one of them looks at me and just before he can tell me the secret to life I hear your voice say, "I'M SO COLD!" - I'm going to give you the Murder Eyes.

I don't want you to think I am against complaining - I mean, I am a blogger for christ's sake - complaining is like the air I breathe. That being said, complaining in already horrible situations is like Hell playing a loop of Nickelback - I'm already on fire, don't rub it in, Satan.

Because I am not afraid to make stabbing motions at him when he turns his back.


Chris said...

Which brother though? Would it be one? Or all three - A THREE HEADED JONAS BROTHER SATAN! I bet that's it.

Moooooog35 said...

I'm the SECOND person to comment?!

I hate being second.

I'd rather be first, or third, or maybe even 10th because - let's face it - "10th" is just plain fun to say.

I forget what I was talking about.

Fuck, I'm cold.

Matt said...

Tell that to Oprah.

for some reason, far too many people care about her whining.

That Kind of Girl said...

I was trained never to make commonplace complaints like "I'm cold" around my future-lawyer best friend, because she's the sort of argumentative jerkface who will immediately respond: "No you're not!" and argue for twenty minutes all the various reasons why I cannot possibly be feeling a subjective, impossible to disprove sensation like coldness!

Also, dude, I grew up in Las Vegas, and don't even talk to me about "Hot enough for ya?" After a few days of summer heat, everyone gets on edge and their voices are syrupy with plaintive regret, liberally interspersed with bitterness. When old people stand around in line asking "Hot enough for ya?," their tones of voice make it bundantly clear that they believe that YOU PERSONALLY CAUSED THE HEATWAVE by complaining to the weather gods that, no, it is not yet hot enough for you.

Fuck, guys. Let's just not talk about the weather.

Ms. Bouvier said...

"I'm already on fire, don't rub it in, Satan." re: Nickleback = awesome.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I swear to god complaining makes it warmer. SWEAR TO GOD.

Ed Adams said...

I hate when people complain.

Don't they have anything better to do? Why are they always bitching? I just can't stand it. I would like the chop them up and feed them to giant people eating ants. Complaining SUCKS. Complainers SUCK. People shouldn't ever complain about anything. Just be grateful, you inconsiderate bastards! Quit bitching about everything. Why make my life miserable by constantly complaining? Why?!

Fizzgig said...

im with you. i hate people that would rather expend the energy to bitch and moan about life rather than fix it. you are the only one who can decide to not be a douche.

it really is that simple.

lacochran said...

I'm bored.

Ben said...

I'm picking up the irony that you are complaining about a complainer and ignoring it because I'm destined to take your side always.

p-huong said...

My momma needs to stop complaining...

I've cut down on the amount of complaining I do, but I still zone out often. At least you have interesting fantasies when you zone out... my mind just blanks out.

You'd trust the Jonas Brothers to have the secret to life?