Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Case For Thanksgiving

Santa is a bully.

First he makes lists of who is "naughty" and "nice" and then gives coal to those that are "naughty".

Isn't breaking into someones home and spreading coal around a crime? How can that be ok? I mean if he is leaving gifts it is easy to look the other way - but when he is doing the equivalent of taking a dump in your stocking - I think the authorities should be involved.

But looking past all of that (and some obvious labor issues with those elves and animal cruelty with the reindeer) - dude can't even just take his full month of celebration and songs and guys dressed up like him at the mall.


Santa has to crawfish all of Thanksgiving's thunder.

And without the thunder, what does Thanksgiving really have?

So lets take a look at Thanksgiving, and what makes it the greatest holiday on earf.

Food. Duh. Thanksgiving is all about food. And awesome food at that. Turkey, mashed potatoes, pie - that spread is like porn to me. I want to rub the mashed potatoes all over myself and shower it off with gravy.

Alcohol. What is Thanksgiving without beer? You have to wash all that food down with something. Not to mention you have to get drunk enough to get out of washing dishes. It is like a race - who can get a full 6er down before it is time for dishes. (Hint - I' m going to win.)

Football. Sorry about that - I didn't mean to MAKE YOUR FUCKING HEAD EXPLODE. Food, beer AND football? If dessert is a stripper I'll be concerned that I actually died at some point and have now gone to heaven.

Yelling. A by-product of football and beer. As well as relatives. On Thanksgiving, yelling at the TV is an older traditional than pumpkin pie. The Native Americans actually taught us about this right before they showed us corn.

Napping. All that yelling, food and beer catches up with you quick. Then it is time to nap. This is also a defense mechanism against doing the dishes. Here is a hint - grab the cutest kid under the age of 5 and make them fall asleep on you. Little kids are like home base in freeze tag - if you have a sleeping kid on you no one will bother you to get up. Finally, a use for children.

What now, Santa? Take your jingle bells and your ho-ho-hos and get in line.

Otherwise you might find coal in your stocking this year.


Matt said...


Hex said...

My beef with Santa is that he's showing up entirely too early year after year. Tis the season -- we frikkin' get it.

He's like the guy who WON'T leave the party, and wants to stay up talking about movies and stuff.

Lily said...

And to think...

All this time I didn't want children when I could have been getting out of dish duty.

You, sir, just BLEW. MY. MIND.

Jez said...

I'm down with your cause, but I can't stand roasted turkey. It's the most boring meat in the world. It wasn't such a bad thing before all this "health" shit came online in the early 80s. Used to be if you wanted cold cuts, you went and got some Oscar Meyer ham or baloney. Then they started doing sliced turkey. FAIL! Now turkey was common, and we all learned why we only ate it on Thanksgiving.

Of course, then, the turkey fryer came along and made a pretty strong counterpoint. But really, the greatest thing about turkey fryers is that it made it so much easier to make beer at home.

Happy Thanksgiving, Narm!

Ed Adams said...

At least you get coal.

He really does take a dump in my stocking.

That Fat Bastard!

Michaela said...

Great post. Can't go wrong with beer and football. Ever.

Andhari said...

Those sound really amazing! hahaha booze and great food, sounds like an amazing day to me. I think I'm gonna go at an american friend's house today.

Happy thanksgiving, Narm :)

Angela said...

Do you know that there is a GIANT video ad for Bruno on the side of your blog?

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.