Santa is a bully.
First he makes lists of who is "naughty" and "nice" and then gives coal to those that are "naughty".
Isn't breaking into someones home and spreading coal around a crime? How can that be ok? I mean if he is leaving gifts it is easy to look the other way - but when he is doing the equivalent of taking a dump in your stocking - I think the authorities should be involved.
But looking past all of that (and some obvious labor issues with those elves and animal cruelty with the reindeer) - dude can't even just take his full month of celebration and songs and guys dressed up like him at the mall.
Santa has to crawfish all of Thanksgiving's thunder.
And without the thunder, what does Thanksgiving really have?
So lets take a look at Thanksgiving, and what makes it the greatest holiday on earf.
Food. Duh. Thanksgiving is all about food. And awesome food at that. Turkey, mashed potatoes, pie - that spread is like porn to me. I want to rub the mashed potatoes all over myself and shower it off with gravy.
Alcohol. What is Thanksgiving without beer? You have to wash all that food down with something. Not to mention you have to get drunk enough to get out of washing dishes. It is like a race - who can get a full 6er down before it is time for dishes. (Hint - I' m going to win.)
Football. Sorry about that - I didn't mean to MAKE YOUR FUCKING HEAD EXPLODE. Food, beer AND football? If dessert is a stripper I'll be concerned that I actually died at some point and have now gone to heaven.
Yelling. A by-product of football and beer. As well as relatives. On Thanksgiving, yelling at the TV is an older traditional than pumpkin pie. The Native Americans actually taught us about this right before they showed us corn.
Napping. All that yelling, food and beer catches up with you quick. Then it is time to nap. This is also a defense mechanism against doing the dishes. Here is a hint - grab the cutest kid under the age of 5 and make them fall asleep on you. Little kids are like home base in freeze tag - if you have a sleeping kid on you no one will bother you to get up. Finally, a use for children.
What now, Santa? Take your jingle bells and your ho-ho-hos and get in line.
Otherwise you might find coal in your stocking this year.