Hallo-whoops.

Shit.

Halloween is tomorrow.

I've had so many great ideas -

Freddy Mercury -
Ed Hochuli -


George Michael -


A Zombie -


Extremely good looking -

But now it is tomorrow and I have nothing prepared. I have a beard...thats it.

I need ideas.

I am definitely down for shaving the beard into a mustache for the sake of hilarious costumage. Also - do not be fooled by my ideas above, it does not HAVE to be a gay, British rock star.

No pressure, but my entire Halloween depends on YOU.

Please help. Give me ideas, oh Beautiful Readers. Save my halloween.

Would Ya Wednesday...Wednesday Edition

Time for everyone's favorite game...Would Ya Wednesday!!!

You don't sound very excited.

First off I want to give a shout out to Maxie. She has been doing a similar feature, "Would You Rather Wednesday" which is always hysterical. Go check her place out - it is much nicer so take off your shoes before you go in.

Ok - now back to where we are sticking our privates!

If you don't remember the rules, they are simple. Would you get nuded up and make bad decisions with the people listed below - one guy, one girl.

Now I've been catching a lot of flack for having two consecutive nerds for the guys. My bad. I thought chicks were into nerds - I mean what other excuse did they have for hooking up with me?

Oh, thats right, the roofies.

This time I went more metro-sexual. Next week I'll try to get someone less feminine.

Without further adieu -

Ryan Seacrest - of Ryan Seacrest fame -

and

Melissa Joan Hart of Sabrina and Clarissa Explains it All fame -


Fellas ready? Ladies ready? LET'S GET IT ON!

Booger Nights

We're friends, right?

I mean I'm not going to ask you to be in my fictional wedding - and you probably won't have me watch your dog when you take that well deserved vacation to Denver this winter - but I'd say we're friendly.

Well I gotta tell ya something.

I love picking my nose.

Oh don't act like you don't go digging for gold every now and then. When you got a boog up there hanging out and getting comfy it feels like you accidentally snorted a small dagger.

But where is the proper place to get after it? In the bathroom? In your bedroom?

Judging by where I see it most, it's on the drive to work. I have never seen so many people knuckle deep as on my morning commute. Put your SUV on cruise control, cash in your ticket for the booger train and go! Go! Go!

I drive past business man after business man with a varying selection of fingers rammed up their shnoz. The pointer finger for dexterity, the middle finger for big jobs and, for those crustaceans that act like a scared badger backed into a corner - the pinky.

But the car is also dangerous. Let's say the person in front of you slams on their brakes and you are digging around playing "Where's Waldo" with a snot raisin - you are in serious danger of jamming your middle finger so far up your nose your brain thinks you are telling it to fuck off.

I come to you to be educated, dear Reader - please bestow upon me your favorite place to pick your nose.

A Comprehensive List of Events I Remember from Saturday Night Sponsored by Miller Lite

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Would Ya Wednesday on Thursday: Friday Edition

It's time for another exciting edition of 'Would Ya Wednesday on Thursday' this time, on Friday! I was going to do this on Wednesday, but my mom laid out my Thursday underwear on Wednesday, and then my Friday underwear on Thursday and now finally my Wednesday underwear on Friday. So my week has been all messed up.

I'm kidding - I wear Batman underoos.

If you don't remember the rules, they are fairly simple - dudes would ya do the chicks; chicks would ya do the dudes; dudes that are into dudes would you do the dudes; chicks that are into chicks would you let me watch.

And, if your answer is no - then how much alcohol would have to be consumed to let your boy parts play with their girl parts or vice versa.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaadies - Zach Braff of Scrubs and Garden State fame...


Fellas - Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy and Old School


Drink up and drop your trousers - would ya?

This Blog Foreclosed

That video blog took a lot out of me - so I took a vacation to New York today and can be found on Surviving Myself. He has let me take over his slice of heaven for today and for that I am thankful - mostly because he is really funny and I am not - so now I've got street cred.

Can't wait to see everyone's Halloween costumes. Until then, here is a comic I found amusing and goes along the lines of my guest post.

A (NSFW) Message for America - VLOG Style

*There's bad words in there.

Bad Blogger

So I have been a terrible blogger lately. I haven't been posting frequently, I haven't been leaving comments on your blogs and sometimes I don't take the time to sort my recycling.

The shame.

And even with my overall suckitude I still got more comments than ever before on my last post. Hopefully this isn't like high school when Momina Nomina had to pay my friends to hang out with me. If so you should probably hold out for a raise. And I still want to know what she paid to have my prom date put out.

In all seriousness thanks to everyone who either agreed that SJP is scary looking or admitted that with even drinks in them they would still totally take her home. As for the Mac guy - I thought girls liked nerds? Now I'm screwed. Or not screwed. Not sure which is worse.

But anyways - even with my suckitude, I've been tagged by Himbo AND Fiona to do one of those things where I list things that are things that others things don't do. Please go check out their blogs - they are just like mine only intelligent, funny and well-written.

1. I don't speak good. I mean I speak well grammatically, but I have these funky little pronunciation issues. I can't pronounce the "dr" sound as in drink, drank, drunk and dragon slayer. When I say it, it comes out jrink, jrank, jrunk and loser. I also do not say again as "a-gen"; I say "a gee-in". Which is nice and hillbilly and makes all my city friends have plenty of fodder to make fun of me. We'll see who is laughing when suddenly they have a bunch of hay and no one to bail it! Then who will be laughing, huh City Slickers? You'll pay.

2. I spent 3-4 years on the radio in high school and college. It was just for the small country station in my home town during high school and then for the college station at Toledo - but at least 4 people listened so that gives me as many fans as Eagle Eye Cherry, right?

3. To try and make some cash, my friend once auctioned himself on eBay to drive anywhere in the country, bring a boom box playing on Foreigner songs, dress up like Larry Bird and do anything (within reason) that you asked for a day. I wrote his description section on eBay and it was later featured on Jay Leno's "Crazy eBay Auctions". Neither of us saw it but he got around 1-2 billion calls about it. We called NBC to see if we could get a tape of it and they wanted to charge us $50. So I have, to this day, never seen my creation on The Tonight Show. If you are ever watching a rerun from 2003 with Jerry Seinfeld and you see the "Crazy eBay Auctions" come on - please call me. I'll give you $50.

4. My middle name is Elmer.

5. But I didn't get that name until 3 days after I was born. My parents couldn't decide on a name so they introduced me as "baby" for the first few days of my life. I sometimes have flashbacks when I'm at the bar and all the ladies are coming up and saying, "Hey Baby". I always want to ask them how they know that story but I'm too busy making out with all of them. At the same time. That might be a lie. But I did kiss a girl once - 6th grade was awesome.

6. The name on my birth certificate is just Jeff - not Jeffrey like most losers with my name. I worked at Toys'R'Us in college and when someone buys a big-ticket item they radio for someone in the back to get it. Instead of using a name, they always say, "Geoffrey" as in Geoffrey the Giraffe. For the first 3 weeks I worked there I would get furious because I thought they were calling me Geoffrey instead of Jeff. It took me THREE WEEKS to figure this out. Maybe I should quit jrinking.

Would Ya Wednesday

Today's post is simple...and a day late. But 'Would Ya Wednesday' sounds better than 'Would Ya Thursday'. Alliteration is better than boobies. Thats what the kids told me.

Rules are simple - I'll post a picture (one for the fellas, one for the ladies) and all you have to do is answer if you would make relations with them or not. If not, please list the amount of beers it would take to commit the crime.

Fellas - Sarah Jessica Parker (the Sex And The City girl)



Ladies - Justin Long (the Mac guy)

Sneeze

I just had the most sexually rewarding sneeze of my life.

I didn't need a tissue, I needed a towel and a cigarette.

If I ever find myself wrestling in the sheets with an uggo, I can just close my eyes and picture that sneeze and everything will be ok.

I didn't even cover my mouth - I hope that my germs will disperse throughout the world faster than Shawn Kemp's bloodline and get someone else sick - just so that they can experience the same sneeze I just had.

Nope, I'm not even going to wipe that beautiful experience off of my beard.

I'm just going to sit here and remember the good times; the way that one sneeze changed my life forever.

God bless YOU, Sneeze.

Brothers in (clothing without) Arms

Hey, Internetz.

Good, good – how are you doing?

Yeah, she’s fine it was just a rash…Hey listen, can we talk? Something has been bugging me for awhile now and I didn’t really know how to bring it up.

When were you going to tell me about the Jonas Brothers?

I just saw some commercial about them on the TV and, from the looks of things, they are more popular than breathing. I’m still not sure exactly what they do besides wear vests and give dramatic looks, but apparently it drives the kids crazy,

When did this happen? I like to think I keep up with things – I mean I have a blog, and Twitter and even a toaster oven – but suddenly pop culture comes in and makes me look like a fool.

Are they actually brothers? Or are they brothers the way Hulk Hogan calls people brother?

I heard one of them is dating Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus or one of those other girls I don’t look at until they are 18 so I don’t say something creepy – doesn’t he realize they are like two years away from their drug induced, psychotic meltdown a la Britt and Lindsay? Everyone knows THAT is when they start putting out!

And when do we find out Lou Pearlman was copping feels on these kids? I think that is the most exciting part of boybands. The “Oh wait, this creepy looking 40 yr old guy ISN’T actually our friend and I shouldn’t accept his offer to wash my back in the shower. But he has soft hands!!!”

And of course, who is going to be the Lance Bass of the group? You know what I’m talking about, the one that finally comes out of the closet years later and admits to the world – “I want to be an astronaut.”

But most importantly – where do I get one of those snazzy vests?

A Little Slice of Heaven

Pi - kinda boring

Pie - delicious

Pie Charts - now we're talking

I fucking love pie charts.

Why?

Because they are awesome - listen if I am going to pour my heart and soul into this you can't be asking dumb questions the whole time. I'm sorry for the tough love, sometimes I worry I care too much.

If I were to make a pie chart about how awesome pie charts are - I would simply draw a circle and write, "100%, Bitches" - because I like pie charts and having good grammar.

In fact if I were to make a pie chart about how much I like pie charts and good grammar it would look like PacMan with his mouth being "Good Grammar".

I like grammar but c'mon - in a pie chart about pie charts it only gets a little slice.

This got me to thinking - pie charts couldn't have been invented until AFTER pie had been invented. Pies date back to 12th century England (thanks, Wiki) - so pie charts couldn't have started till after that.

How in the hell did King's allocate their time to plundering, feasting and wenches? "Too many wenches!!! Ahhhh! If only I could accurately articulate the share of wenches in comparison with feasting and plundering!!!"

I used to talk about pie charts so much that a friend of mine stated, "If I had a Jeff Nomina pie chart, I'd eat it."

I'd be fucking delicious.

Knowing my love for all charts pie, you can guess my excitement when I discovered the single greatest, most spectacularly beautiful pie chart I have ever seen. I, in no way, claim ownership of this pie chart - as it was discovered late one night, spent like so many others, Googling pie charts. I present - the Meat Loaf pie chart:

Facebroke

For once I want to be serious. For once I want to talk about the issues. There is a time and a place for being charming, witty and muscular - and that time is not today.

Our economy is in shambles.

Our decisions and habits are having a very real effect on the environment.

We are in the midst of one of the most important elections in history.

But most importantly, we need to come together as a generation and demand the old Facebook back.

I can't think of one issue that has a larger impact on my generation, Generation Me, than standing up for our rights to have applications on our main profile page.

We need to follow the groundwork laid down by our parents; who fought against the draft and organized rallies against the war in Viet Nam. We need to take motivation from the rebel rum runners of the prohibition - fighting for their rights as the government was swayed by special interest groups.

We need to take hold of our resources and make our voices heard by the masses, we need to DEMAND change in the most powerful way we know how - we need to get 1,000,000 strong to join a Facebook group called, "The new Facebook sucks!"

If things continue the way they are, it will take all Facebook users one extra click to go from reading what that cute girl in your history class' friend wrote on her wall to then go see what Sex and the City character she most resembles.

Those clicks add up to hours and days of wasted time. With all of this precious time lost, what will become of Twitter updates? They will be half-hearted.

At best.

I don't want to see that world. I dream of a world where Facebook is once again the most important thing in our entire existance. I dream of a world where I wake up in some A-Ha inspired other world where I morph in and out of real life and a Facebook world where wall posts and pieces of flair and bumper stickers are all together in one ridiculous cluttered, slow-loading, annoying page.

Our generation faces an adversary the likes of which hasn't been seen since the last time Facebook made radical changes and introduced the newsfeed.

When this villain struck the first time our passion was great, but our organization was weak. We screamed through groups and emails. We slandered Facebook with nicknames like Stalkerbook and Creeperbook.

And then we got the fuck over it.

Family Dispute

Me (after my Mom convinced my nephew to have me tell him a bedtime story instead of her): And then the magic train goes allllllll the way to the moon where it stops to pick up martians!

Momina Nomina (voice muffled from behind the door - eavesdropping on my story): Martians on the moon??? You might want to rethink that one, Uncle Jeff!

Seriously, Mom? I bail you out of storytime and this is what I get?

It's on.

The PETA Pits

I had every intention of posting today, Reader. Really, I did. I had grand ideas for hilarious posts that would bring joy and happiness to your Monday morning.

But then the Discovery Channel decided to play a Planet Earth marathon last night.

A man has to have priorities.

After watching for two hours last night I came to a realization.

Penguins are by far the most puntable animal.

Guys, be honest, when you see a penguin you instantly guesstimate it's height and weight and try to determine what kind of distance you could get on that lil guy.

I love penguins, don't get me wrong. I've read the Zoobooks, I've watched the shows -

But I bet I could make a 25 yard field goal with an adult penguin.



As if that isn't enough - they huddle together to make themselves look like bowling pins. Look at them! I just want to get a full head of steam and do a Pete Rose dive right into the middle of that pile.

But penguins are only found in the poles of the world - and I'm kind of broke and don't feel like taking that many days off of vacation.

No, my dream of punting penguins going to have to wait. Until then, I'll have to stick to punting normal things here in Cleveland. But I have to admit - it just won't be the same -

Poodles just don't get the same distance.

MS Office for the Office

I Will Stab You To Death WIth My Ticket Stub

There are two kinds of people in this world -

People that yell "FREEBIRD!" at concerts...

And people who have thought seriously about murder.