Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Candy Man

I am living in a world of enablers.

Every corner I turn another co-worker has laid out a bowl of candy ripe for the taking.

Snickers and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and York Peppermint Patties - somewhere my dentist is in the fetal position and crying.

But there's a catch.

Every time I want to snag a piece of candy (about 25 times a day) I have to go into that person's office and make up an excuse for being there other than wanting to rape their candy bowl.

Like most girls I date, I am great at faking it. I can talk about random work projects, how that new shirt that looks just great on you! Seriously that color suits you! and, of course, the weather.

In Cleveland 94% of all conversations are about the weather. Another 4% are about our terrible sports teams and the final 2% are about Drew Carey. But 94% of the time we are complaining about the weather. We talk about the weather more than CNN talks about the stock market. Hey CNN - here's your headline story "Market at Lowest Level in Years!" Really? Is there some sort of economic crisis going on? What are you going to tell me next, A-Rod did steroids?

All of that stops today. I am taking an unprecedented stand against the weather.

I am going to go a FULL day of work in Cleveland, Ohio without talking about the weather once.

Not while I'm trying to make it look like I didn't take the last cup of coffee so I don't have to make more.

Not at the copier when someone is obviously taking what I just printed out and then denying it so I shoot them with mind bullets.

Not at the urinal when I know that guy wants to ask me about that huge assignment I was supposed to have ready for today that I blew off to watch Nip/Tuck.

Not for anything.

Today's forecast calls for blue skies and rotting teeth.

You know, while I'm in here I'm just going to take a little piece of candy. You don't mind, do you?

By the way - that shirt looks great on you.

28 comments:

lacochran said...

No, no, no. The pedophile is supposed to *give* the candy.

Fizzgig said...

hmmm i think its easier, to just stalk their office, and take the candy when they are gone.

Luckily no one at my job has reese cups, or I'd eat an entire bowl. I can't be trusted with them.

Deutlich said...

Didn't you just break your own rule by blogging about weather?

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Dude...the guy shouldn't be talking to you about anything in the bathroom. It doesn't matter if he won the lottery, slept with your wife, or is dying within the next 10 minutes...no conversation in the bathroom.

Bethie said...

I'll bet you a Snickers you can't do it.

Allison M. said...

I'm a fan of the candy bowls. I don't keep my own so I figure walking around to get candy completely makes sense.

Kellie said...

I agree w/ Fizzgig. I always just wait until they step out and do a grab and run. Much easier.

So how's the weather today?

pj said...

I figured all you ohioians talked about lebron all day, and the 2010 deadline.

Kristen said...

I don't bother making small talk. I just walk in and take the candy.

It never occured to me that that might be rude.

Marie said...

Listen to me very carefully: when they are not in their office, go there, take the bowl, bring it back to your desk and munch as much as you want. Then hide the bowl.

Not that I do that or anything.

moooooog35 said...

The guy in the men's room is interested in your huge 'assignment?'

Do you work with Senator Larry Craig or George Michael?

surviving myself said...

You could always bring up LeBron.

rs27 said...

I thought people in Cleveland just talk about how depressing their lives are?

Oh thats everywhere.

insomniaclolita said...

HAHAHA I'll do the same for snickers and reese's peanut butter cups. NO KIDDING.

Stefhavingfunatthetube said...

Seriously, take the candy when they vacate their cube. My ear drums might explode if I have to listen to anymore worthless drivel from the cube next door with the candy bowl.

Matt Frost said...

My coworkers see me see their sugary treasure and are nice enough to let me take my due without having to hit on them like I would a fat girl standing between me and the only open bar space available at happy hour.

Matt Frost said...

And who is Drew Carey?

justjp said...

Stay strong my friend!

Giggle Pixie said...

Dude, score me a couple of those Snickers bars, would ya? Go ask him/her what she thinks of this cold weather!!! lol

Angela said...

Good for you! Instead of the weather, you know, you should REALLY talk about how much better the Steelers are than the Browns. Deal?

Chad said...

Honestly its like groundhogs day with the weather. Either everybody just wants to bitch all day about how cold it is and bring it up all day...or when its finally above 35 you believe its now warm enough to show up with no coat and talk about how the weather actually is not to bad today.

Baking With Plath said...

I wait until they go to lunch or the restroom or somewhere and then I empty the entire bowl into my pants and run back to my office where I snack for the duration of the day. It's totally normal.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i don't like PJ's comment.

Julie_Gong said...

See that is why Pittsburgh and Cleveland can never be friends. We both think we are the ultimate at complaining about not seeing the sun for a solid 6 months.

Matt said...

So what you're really saying is that A-Rod did steroids?

Thats nonsense.

Maxie said...

They have smarties at the office next to mine.

I go there a lot.

TishTash said...

I marvel at your math skills. Percentages defeat me every time, the bastards.

fiona said...

Your gonna end up a fat bastard, but that's on the cards anyway uh? lol