Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Traffic Rape

The paparazzi got me.

Nailed me, actually.

And I'm going to have to pay them $100 to keep their mouth shut.

I tried to go to the police but they just answered, "WE ARE THE POLICE!" and hung up.

That's right - I got a nice little letter in the mail containing a "photo enforced speed ticket" this morning.

But really, everyone likes getting mail, right?

Do all states have these? They are little cameras set up throughout the city and take your picture if they find you speeding and or running a red light or not sorting your recycling or using bad words.

Am I the only one that finds this ridiculous?

You know when you do a really shitty job and one of your coworkers that you don't really like but you hang out with at work because you don't have anything else to do but you always worry that someday you will have to introduce them to your real friends and you are worried because then what will your real friends think - you don't want your real friends to think that they are the only reason you are cool - so then you make fun of the guy and hurt his feeling to look cool and when you get home you feel like a jerk. Well, you know when that guy says, "Wow, you really mailed that one in."

That's what the Cleveland Police do.

They mail it in.

Cleveland is listed as one of the top 10 most dangerous cities in the U.S. - and apparently the CPD has identified speeding as the reason for this. Not the guns or drugs or break-ins - speeding.

Luckily they are keeping grandma with the lead foot off the streets so that no one gets hurt in that attempted robbery down the street.

I'm infuriated, inconsolable - because damnit - I was speeding. It is my own damn fault. I want to fight it. I want to march up to the judge, slam down the ticket and scream, "Suck it!" - then my theme music would come on and I would strut out of the courtroom while smoke and a light show filled the room.

I want to tell them how unfair it is that last week three cars got broken into at my apartment and they wouldn't even come file a report - yet they have cameras doing all their work.

I want to go tell the judge a lot of things.

But they gave me this convenient little envelope - so maybe I'll just mail it in instead.


jen said...



Hoss said...

I received a mail in ticket a couple years ago and the pic was of my DAD driving my car. Yes, the car was registered to me but I have a very female sounding name and the age on my drivers license was 25....I was obviously not the balding, 60-something man in the picture. GRRRRRR

Erica Ortiz said...

How does that even work anyways. I very highly doubt its 100% accurate. I'd fight that. Be a rebel!

Kristen said...



You crack my shit up.

Just A Girl said...

On the plus side, they don't take any points from your license since they can't prove it was you. I got one a few years ago driving onto my college campus. Bastards.

Also, I think my favorite thing ever was when someone went and asked the guy sitting in the van a bunch of questions while his friends stole the license plate from the back and then attached it to their car and sped by 17 times. The police mailed themselves 17 speeding tickets. :)

(P.S. Found you through Sarah/SaratogaJean - gotta love blogrolls :D)

LBluca77 said...

California has them too. I have only gotten one when I went through a toll road and did not stop to pay the $2.25. Dammit! You know what sucks to is when it comes in the mail you can't try and sweet talk you way out of the ticket or flash a little skin.

Maxie said...

that shit should be illegal. I mean who really goes the speed limit? NO ONE. Bullshit. total bullshit.

rs27 said...

Usually when I see a traffic cam I just put a bag over my head. Works everytime some of the time.

I've only been in 342 accidents.

Dolce said...

I feel for you! Those are just a slap in the face. I work with a girl who threw away mailed traffic tickets because she thought they were fake (she's not the sharpest tool in the shed) and one day she got pulled over and taken to jail for 12 outstanding traffic violations...all camera mail-in tickets.

Just pay the little bastard...it'll be less painful.

moooooog35 said...

This is exactly why I drive in the nude.

Well...not exactly.

It's more for the convenience of being able to masturbate in my Coke bottle.

THAT'S a tough ticket to get out of.

Poetry Sue said...

hahahahahahahaha the cops don't even care if its a hit and run. My sister got hit in run right in front of her house and they didn't get there till they next day... lazy bastards

Deutlich said...

I've gotten busted by those in DC quite a lot.. and I *hate* it

Giggle Pixie said...

That sucks!

fiona said...

Come on, you owe it to the "little person" sitting in the camera box clicking away for minimum friggin wage!
Wonder if they get a %age of the fines for fast finger clicking?

Matt said...

Big brother is watching you.

Remember that.

Arjewtino said...

Within 20 years, there will no longer be any police force, just a series of cameras doing their work for them.

Great post, though. At least you entertained ME and that's what's important.

surviving myself said...

Nice shout out to Snoop there.

BrazenBareToe said...

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Aahh Dylan Thomas you had it right!

I say fight that moofo!

Marie said...

In Virginia they are a lot more fun. The police stop you for speeding AND not speeding. Then proceed to yell at you. And then give you a ticket. Lots of fun they are.

Angela said...

We have those all over California. How fast did it say you were going?

LiLu said...

Those things are going to be the death of cute girls who can't use their boobs to get out of tickets anymore everywhere.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

where did you get nailed?

i have been raped by cleveland 8 (or 9?) times from those cameras.

i'm kind of sore.

So@24 said...

I hope you mailed back a picture of you doing that "suck it" sign

Baking With Plath said...

I knew they had red light cameras...but speeding cameras?? Seriously? I am never leaving my house again. I will not tolerate this Jetsons tomfoolery.

Smash said...

Rape is sex, at least you got some.

Even if it was from the police and they secretly taped you.

Too crude? Hey, I am a girl, I can get away with it right?

Fizzgig said...

i listen to the talk of akron (shut up) and this is a favorite topic to discuss. Theres much politics involved and questionable where the profits from them go...

And, it doesnt matter who drives your car, you get the ticket. That's one of the stipulations.

I got my only ticket in cleveland. And, its still in my purse unpaid. It's the principal. Where I come from you can park where you damn well please.

Amy G said...

I got one right before Christmas. It 100% sucks. I am totally sure if a human cop pulled me over, I would have easily talked myself out of the ticket.

p.s. Who is the person at work that you PRETEND to be friends with?!?