Monday, February 2, 2009

Twilight

My name is Jeff Nomina, and I have a problem.

I guess you could call it a disease. A foul sickness that I can't overcome.

I love brinner. When the Lady Friend offers me breakfast for dinner I lose my head and agree to anything she wants to do.

So it wasn't until I was halfway through my homemade hashbrowns and third pancake that I finally heard her say, "Hurry up or we'll miss the 7:30 showing of Twilight."

Wait - did I just agree to go see Twilight? And how could I possibly finish this meal and have my testicles surgically removed before 7:30?

Twilight: Leave Your Balls At Home

So it was with a full belly and heavy heart that I walked into the theater to sit through an hour and a half of bad special effects and worse acting. We waded through a sea of letterman jackets and adolescence and took out seats.

After the fourteenth time the Lady Friend threw her underwear at the screen when Robert Pattinson was shown, I had to ask exactly what made her swoon.

"It's the whole romantic aspect of their relationship. How he protects her but yet has to control his own urge to kill her."

I'm sitting at Twilight and she wants to talk about urges to kill?

And you never see zombie love stories. Vampires are running around having pre-marital sexy time and lusting after each other. Zombies are the real romantics - they don't care what a girl looks like, they just appreciate her for her brain.

If the "danger" aspect of the vampire is the thrilling part I can take any of y'all back home and show you one of the redneck trailer parks. You think falling in love with a vampire is dangerous; you ain't never seen a redneck drink a case of Budweiser and then have his wife spill something on his Dale Jr shirt.

But then I took a step back and realized that I could find parallels in the movie. That I could relate to doing anything in the world for the thing I love. The fact that I would run the gauntlet to find and protect my love from danger. The unquenchable hunger that drove me towards it - and the passion that kept me there.

The calming feeling that came over me when I realized that all of the sacrifices I will have to make throughout my life will only bring me closer to brinner.

27 comments:

Ashley said...

Oh Twilight. I admit (with my head hung low) that I too am addicted to the series. However, the movie - in my humble female opinion - was terrible. Some of the worst acting I've seen!

Regardez Moi said...

I haven't seen the movie... and I tell myself that I won't see it. But I know I will summon the Netflix gods at some weak moment and it'll appear on my doorstep. I'll inevitably hate it and say how the book was so much better.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

you got a little emo at the end there didn't you? : )

personally i haven't seen the movie nor read any of the books but people are nuts for that brand. i'll stick to the cool vampire show - true blood.

LBluca77 said...

I did not even think that movie was still out in theaters.

The best thing about being a girl is when we can get guys to do what we want, sometimes we don't even have to take off our shirts.

Marie said...

That movie is still out? Why? I couldn't even be bothered to read the books or watch the movie.

You are a very, very brave man.

Deutlich said...

TWILIGHT?!?! Are you serious? She couldn't find a chick to see that with?

Blah. I am staunchly anti-Twilight ANYthing.

Matt said...

I'm kind of like a zombie.

I like getting brains too.

lacochran said...

Twilight?!

So sad.

And there's a Denny's Grand Slam joke in there somewhere.

surviving myself said...

Man. You are half the man you used to be, and no, I'm not just quoting Stone Temple Pilots.

Maxie said...

I just don't get the whole edward cullen thing...but I totally understand how awesome brinner is so you get a pass...this time.

Chocobo said...

Holy crap. I think you might have just inspired my next novel. A zombie love story . . .

Bon Don said...

........Huh?

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything after Brinner!

Mmmmmm Brinner

Giggle Pixie said...

Holy batshit, it must be love if you let her drag you to see Twilight! UGH!

Sarah said...

i think i may be the only female with no interest in that movie or book. can i still call myself a woman after that statement?

justjp said...

Bro. This happened to me as well. I was "taken out" for "free drinks" by a lady friend that just wanted someone to go with her to the movies. My kryptonite is the word "free." I didn't even ask what the movie was. So, I rolled into Twilight after several PBR's and Jager. It was a sad day realizing I am that easy...

Allison M. said...

see. The things you do for brinner even amaze me at times.

Twilight, being one of them.

Kristen said...

Oh but Edward is just so dreamy...

Just kidding.

BARF!

Lauren said...

MMM. Breakfast for dinner. One of the best things man has ever invited.

I haven't made Samir watch Twilight yet. I'm waiting for the DVD. That way, we can rewind every now and then and I could dig in the point of HOW ROMANTIC IT REALLY IS.

I'm the best girlfriend ever.

taawd said...

see there's always the rub... brinner but then a bad (don't hate me) movie in exchange.

there's no such think as free brinner. you should know better!

moooooog35 said...

I dated a girl named 'Brinner.'

You're right.

Delicious.

Heff said...

brinner is nice. Nice enough to put up with 2 hours of hell ? I don't know...

ANG* said...

thats big of you. you couldnt pay me to sit through that shit again. AND i even read all the books AND liked (cough loved) them!

Fizzgig said...

ill watch it on DVD. I'll fill my manfriend of brinner....when I take him to see "he's just not that into you"

Boys are easy that way! thanks for the tip!

jen said...

"And you never see zombie love stories. Vampires are running around having pre-marital sexy time and lusting after each other. Zombies are the real romantics - they don't care what a girl looks like, they just appreciate her for her brain."

EXCELLENT.

LiLu said...

I have not yet fallen victim to this Twilight tween stuff... though I do love me some True Blood, campy though it may be.

I think there must be a gene on the Y chromosome for an illogical love of brinner.

HBee said...

Haha! You ARE a trooper for going to the movie. (I'm admittedly a fan. I don't even think I'm ashamed of that.)

Did your Lady friend every spill budweiser on your Dale Jr. t-shirt?

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