Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fatty

An interesting thing is happening to me -

I'm in shape.

Not in fitness terms. I'm not ripped, I can't run more than a mile without seeing a light and hearing the voice of God and I sure as hell am not athletic (unless Wii Bowling counts as athletic. I'm the Pete Weber of Wii Bowling.)

I'm in shapes.

Last time I turned into a fatty I got fat everywhere. My face was fat, my belly was fat - I was just an overall tub of lard.

Not this time. This time it went straight for my belly. It looks like someone stuffed a sandbag under my skin while I was sleeping. I would think that I would feel that, as it would be painful and the plastic bag would be cold when it hit my organs. Then again, when I drink gin you could drop a nuclear warhead on my face and I would probably sleep through it. I could be spooning with Chad Kroeger and probably not even wake up. Though I assume the mere force of my hatred would seep from my pores and kill him.

I look pregnant. That's what I am trying to say. But unlike pregnant chicks, I don't get to eat whatever I want - which is a crock. Pregnant chicks just eat and eat and eat and then their sandbag just falls out and all is forgotten. Mine just grows more hair.

This post is getting gross.

Does my concentrated fat growth make me an old guy? Is this the first sign? When you can say things like, "I can't eat that donut! I know where THAT will end up." and then pat my belly a few times.

Am I destined to tell horrible jokes and ask people if it's "hot enough for ya?" Are all of my cool shoes and ankle high socks turning into bright white New Balance and mid-calf socks? Is my truck turning into a mini-van? Can I suddenly golf?

Man, I hope I am just pregnant.

25 comments:

longredcape said...

I can't escape Chad Kroeger. HE IS EVERYWHERE

justjp said...

I know how you feel. Stick with London crack and skip the beer is my theory, except I write about beer. Damn.

Matt said...

pot bellies are the new thin.

I hope.

Maxie said...

the hair thing concerns me way more than the belly thing.

Stephanique1 said...

Are you grumbling about the damn kids playing in your yard?

Bethie said...

I sincerely hope Chad Kroeger didn't knock you up. Maybe Maxie will raise your lovechild.

Kellie said...

Pretty soon that belly tub is going to turn hard and then it will look and feel like you swallowed a basketball. And that my friend, is disturbing to me. Why is it that men's belly fat turns hard? That makes no sense!

Lauren said...

I'm hoping you ARE pregnant. Now that would make an excellent blog!

(**Note: I would never actually wish pregnancy on anyone. It seems way to scary and painful. Have you see the miracle of life? UGH. I'm going to make a horrid mother one of these days.)

LBluca77 said...

Pot bellies on guys are hot! Pot bellies that grow hair are not.

lacochran said...

I do see a disturbing trend of posts about your body falling apart. Do you say about onions "I like them but they don't like me!"? Go for the early bird special? Discuss your last surgery over dinner? If you answered yes to any of these questions...

moooooog35 said...

Donuts end up in your tummy?

Mine end up on my wiggly.

Ring toss: Not just for juveniles any more.

LiLu said...

Beer bellies are the new black.

At least that's what B keeps telling me...

Christina_the_wench said...

Are you also telling the neighborhood kids to "turn that damn music down! I can't hear myself think!"?

Could you please trim that nose and ear hair too?

Hex said...

It's possible that if you had a spoon shaped like Chad Kroger, it might stop those late night cravings. Just sayin'.

ps - It's posts like this that make me sure you're perfect for the revolt/protest I'm thinking of starting at my job. Perhaps you have some suggestions?

http://hexacorde.blogspot.com/2009/04/resisty-rocks.html

Ashley said...

At least spooning with Chad Kroeger would make you lose your appetite altogether.

Bon Don said...

Aww men bellies are cute!

Just be careful for the "dunlap" nobody benifits from a belly dunlaped over your Mr. Wiggly!

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

can i rub your belly?

will it grant me three wishes?

also jeff, YOU ARE NOT FAT, don't do pulling a nicole richie on me here.

dmb5_libra said...

i stopped reading after the hair part....

Gilahi said...

As a former coworker of mine used to say, "Whenever you have an important piece of equipment, you always put a shed over it."

stealthnerd said...

If it's a girl, will you name it Lauren?

chevelin said...

Same thing hit me on or around the day of my 27th birthday. Been fighting it since.

rs27 said...

seriously, nickelback is giving you a percentage right?

Auburn Kat said...

I for one could never refuse a doughnut...

So, you are a redneck farm boy working in the city. Northwest Ohio farm is my guess. Am I right?

Fizzgig said...

I think its just beer. I can vouch for the deliciousness of MGD 64 but I'm also a fan of bud select, which is argued to not be real beer.

Whateves!

Just Playing Pretend said...

The hair comment helped me to not get any fatter. It made me throw up a little. Thanks.