Monday, April 13, 2009

Shiver Me Timbers

"The crew of a U.S. freighter has regained control from pirates, but its captain is held hostage, the second officer says."

That was a headline on CNN last week. I think we all had the exact same reaction when we read this:

Jealousy.

Are you kidding me? These guys got hijacked by pirates and then "regained control". I've seen movies less exciting than CNN headlines this weekend. I just grabbed a bag of popcorn and hit refresh 400 times.

How big of a badass do you have to be to fight off pirates? Every story I told for the rest of my life would begin with, "That reminds me of the time I fought off those pirates..."

Who can top that?

You could make a movie starring Vin Diesel, Sly Stallone, Steaven Segal and Marissa Miller and it would be less exciting. (Marissa Miller is there because when doing something as badass as fighting off pirates I assume there are bikini clad women around as well. It is the only way this makes sense in my head. Fighting off pirates is apparently a lot like heaven.)

I didn't even know there WERE still pirates. I thought they were extinct. If you told me you fought off pirates I would believe just about as much as if you told me you fought off a pack of dinosaurs. Except fighting off dinosaurs is actually LESS impressive than fighting off pirates. Dinosaurs don't have guns.

Although I can't blame the pirates for attacking Americans. I would still be pretty upset about Pirates of the Caribbean 3 too.

30 comments:

justjp said...

Only better, is if these pirates were pornstars! That would be the eternal story.

sour said...

i know! every time i hear something about it i get this ridiculous action movie scenario in my head. i'm sure it wasn't actually all that exciting, though

moooooog35 said...

Marissa Miller.

I would love to swab her poopdeck.

Um.

Argh.

lacochran said...

They weren't from Penzance by any chance?

*sings* I am the very model of a modern Major-General...

surviving myself said...

USA! USA! USA!

Kellie said...

If all pirates looked like Johnny Depp I'd let any of them board my boat.

Stefanie said...

Until two nights ago I didn't know that pirates were real. Yay me!

Kristen said...

Oh I know it! I didn't know pirates still existed until last week.

They really are pretty bad ass.

Sigh.

I think I would like to be a pirate someday...

Hex said...

It's all fun and games until the SEALs pop a cap in your ass.

Ashley said...

This has officially made me a new reader of CNN....I too though pirates were extinct. Who knew there was still a market for that?

Matt said...

I just hate Pirates so much.

Chocobo said...

I'm a geologist. I just beat up a dinosaur the other day. With one hand tied behind my back.

So@24 said...

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/He_s_A_Pirate/1421229

Listen to that immediately. I want that to be a soundtrack for all my stories.

TishTash said...

The pirates in "The Life Aquatic" were Filipino. And I thought, "Wow. My People are cool." But then My People try to rap. And I think, "Wow. My People are no-talent assholes."

dmb5_libra said...

real pirates don't use guns.

there were no peg legs. no swords. no ropes and swashbuckling.

its depressing.

Pop Champagne said...

Hmmm I didn't know there are still pirates either. Are they hot these days?

rs27 said...

Well I'm pretty sure this ends any ninja vs pirate debate.

Ninjas wouldn't have gotten shot.

LiLu said...

How am I just hearing about all this today? Or at least, remembering it for the first time?

I should probably drink more on the weekends.

Anonymous said...

Pirates have been taking over ships for months off the coast of Africa. This is just the first American ship and if they are smart the last US ship. Since all we had to do was send sniper with 3 bullets in there to win.

Smash said...

Is it bad everytime I hear about this I wish I was captured by pirates and then I would run off with Captain Jack Sparrow ie Johnny Depp?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

johnny depp was there right? and dustin hoffman, orlando bloom and robin williams?

Auburn Kat said...

It sounds like they didn't need Jack Sparrow.

BTW, love your blog title. Are you really a white-collar redneck?

Angela said...

I just love that they're still called pirates. Not hijackers, but pirates.

Ambles said...

But how did they fight off the pirates?? This is clearly vital information!

insomniaclolita said...

LMAO yeah because no pirates are actually THAT HOT, you know? Are there?

I'll side with the pirates in here, them pirates need to have some lady killer or something too :P

Just Playing Pretend said...

I kind of dream of doing a pirate.

Bon Don said...

Or you can start off a story saying "that reminds me of the time when I gave this chick an Angry Pirate" ... same effect really!

Fizzgig said...

hmmm pirates, and the obama's new dog. Something important is going on that we're being distracted from.

Kelly said...

Arrrrgggghhh. Me takey your American goods.

Except I don't think these pirates speak any form of English. Just assuming.

Kelly said...

OH! Anonymous. Not the first American carrier. I work for some type of retail type organization that actually works with that carrier. Our ships are hijacked all of the time. By pirates.

Not just off of the coast of Africa either. South America is actually worse...