Monday, April 20, 2009

I'm Beggin' Ya

Welp, it's warm out.

I know, I know - yippee! Oh joy! Huzzah!

Get over it.

While you are out doing normal warm weather things that I assume are smiling and not worrying about what kind of design your back sweat is making (a giraffe for those of you keeping score at home) I am running the homeless gauntlet every time I step outside my door.

Warm weather brings out the crazies.

And I don't just mean the homeless guy that covers himself in stuffed animals or the homeless guy who pretends he is retarded until you turn him down and then tells you to, "Go fuck yourself!" No, all of the crazies - the slow street crossers, the awkwardly loud bad rappers, the guy that wants to talk about Jesus - all of them.

Do homeless people migrate south for winter like geese? Do they travel in a large V and poop on everything in their path?

This is why I could never live in California - there is no offseason for the homeless.

The other day I was parallel parking (laaaaadies) and some guy told me how much room I had - then asked for $5 when I got out of the car. He could have picked my car up and SET it in that parking spot and I still wouldn't give him $5.

Another guy came up and asked me for money and I looked at him from head to toe and he was dressed BETTER than I was. If you are wearing a polo shirt and dress shoes you probably don't need to beg. Or I need to dress better.

These things make me feel like I would be WAY better at begging than these guys. I would be the Michael Jordan at asking for change. You can't just wait for greatness to happen to you - you have to go out there and work for it.

I would be ROLLING in quarters if I was homeless. My shopping cart would have four wheels that worked and I would dominate the empty beer can scene. I have the beard for it - now I just need the dirty camo coat to match.

Now if only I could do something about this back sweat.

25 comments:

moooooog35 said...

I went to Seattle last year (Seattle motto: Got Homeless?) and the streets were chocked full of homeless people.

That's right. I said 'chocked full.'

Deal.

Seattle kind sucked. Smelled like fish and homeless. Plus, it was kind of cold and gray and windy.

The year before, went to San Diego. Beautiful weather. Still smelled like fish but no homeless people.

You figured they'd get their shit together and move south. I mean, it's not like they're doing anything else...pack up your collection of Spaghetti-O's wrappers and move to San Diego.

And they wonder why they're homeless.

They don't think.

Marie said...

Wear those sweatpants of yours and I bet you'll make a lot of money.

Ashley said...

My rule is that I only pay homeless people that have talent - like playing an instrument.

Though the SO and I did pay some guy in Miami who had this elaborate story about how he has his CPA and was laid off. I suppose it could have been true, but we were on our way to dinner and gave him $5 just to shut his ass up.

Maxie said...

If someone picked up my car I'd give them $100. That's just how I roll. Big pimpin, spendin gs

sour said...

hahaha i laughed at that sweatpants comment. it's true. sooo true.
i am always dressed worse than homeless people and it never stops them from asking. weird.

Matt said...

Maybe you could use twitter to let people know where you'd be begging at?

you've got to revolutionize this pan handling industry.

fiona said...

There are two "resident" homeless (oxymoron for ya)who sit outside Safeway every day with a sign saying- "homeless need food" I tried to give them a banana and they rejected it! WTF is with that?
Feckin snobbery...
No more bananas from me, ever!

Christina_the_wench said...

Hey, unless they are willing to physically bang their head against the wall or entertain me with their tourette's syndrome impression, there will be no handouts. You gotta be strict with them.

just me said...

Back in NYC, I lived next to (or rather, she wheeled around next to my apartment) a homeless lady who kept doll parts in a shopping cart.

I avoided her at all costs, winter, summer, spring, and fall.

No amount of sun can make that un-creepy.

LiLu said...

"Another guy came up and asked me for money and I looked at him from head to toe and he was dressed BETTER than I was."

This happens to me at least once a day. Their sneakers cost $100, they're carrying a VENTI latte, and they want my 50 cents. WTF?!

TishTash said...

That guy's mistake was in overcharging. You don't even have to tip the valet guys that much.

Amateurs.

rs27 said...

The California homeless are great. they cheer us on when we play basketball, they write on cardboard, they smell.

Wait, I described a laker game.

Violet said...

i used to feel sorry for the homeless until this happened to me:

woman dressed in dirty ass clothes pushing cart asked for change. i gave her the couple o' dollars i had (i was a starving college student) the next day i went to withdraw my last $20 from my bank acct and guess who the fuck was in line right in front of me???? the not-so-fricken-homeless-richer-than-me-bitch!

NEVER AGAIN, NEVER AGAIN I tell you!!!

stealthnerd said...

A homeless guy once coughed on my friend's apple so she gave it to him. I'd recommend that technique if you're going to ask for food.

Kellie said...

My question is for the fatty homeless. How exactly are they so friggin fat if they have no $$$???

MsPuddin said...

Don’t ladies me, you probably have one of those cars that does the parallel parking for you…

California homeless people are lazy, they just seem to beg. Everywhere else, people seem to have a hustle, like selling newspapers or stolen watches…

Meg Kathleen said...

I imagine the back sweat would only help with the bagging.

And I take offense to mooooog35 saying Seattle smells like Fish and and homeless people. Homeless people? yes. Fish? no. Plus, everyday when I leave work there's a homeless lady who flashes me and sure it's not a lot to look at, but it adds some excitement to my day.

harper & beatrix said...

homeless people do migrate. when i lived in georgia, they'd all show up around october.

~b

Angela said...

You could live in southern California. It snows there. There's less homeless people in Lake Tahoe than San Francisco.

Ambles said...

You should try "working" as a homeless guy... then report back! Seriously, you should do it.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

you hate homeless people

Dolce said...

You didn't give any of the homeless people money?

Cheap bastard. :)

Bon Don said...

I have a hate/hate relationship with one homeless lady... she shows up in the same four parking lots all the time and changes from a wheelchair to a cane then rides off on a bike.

I always call her out in front of people, she hates me!

regardez moi said...

wanna go parallel parking?

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