Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sweatpants

When I get home from work I look like the Tasmanian Devil with a day job. I make sure to enter every room in my apartment at least three times, open the fridge a minimum of four times and have at least two separate conversations with the roommate involving sports - neither of which do I say anything intelligent because I am about as good at sports as I am at being unattractive.

For the first twenty minutes there is no sitting, there is no committing to one room for over four minutes and no decisions made about what I am having for dinner - no matter how many times I open the fridge. I am like a chicken with it's head cut off and hopped up on No Doz and SportsCenter.

Then I put on sweatpants.

Sweatpants are like a written agreement that you will not be doing anything productive for the rest of the night. The apartment could be burning down and a young mother with a child stuck in their burning room could run up and be like, "MY CHILD IS STILL IN THE ROOM!!! YOU HAVE TO HELP...oh you are already in sweatpants. I'll find someone else."

When I put sweatpants on I am no longer in charge. The sweatpants walk me to the couch, the sweatpants turn on crappy TV and the sweatpants drop Doritos crumbs all over my lap and then take a nap. When I wake up covered in cheese crumbs and regret, the sweatpants surf the internet for videos of monkeys sticking their finger in the butt and sniffing it.

I think my work should institute a sweatpants rule. I know you are thinking it would be unproductive - but I would NEVER want to stand up. The sweatpants would refuse movement, as they do so frequently, and I would be stuck at my desk with nothing to do but actual work.

In fact, I think I am going to write a letter to the CEO right now...riiiight after I watch a few videos.

27 comments:

Ashley said...

"Sweatpants are like a written agreement that you will not be doing anything productive for the rest of the night."

This must be the ultimate boy rule. Every time the SO calls up a friend who won't go out it's almost always because he's already put on his sweatpants. What?!

Maxie said...

When I'm comfortable at work I definitely get more done. Lets start a revolution!

lacochran said...

How dare you show a videotape of me enjoying a private moment! You'll hear from my lawyers: Flerdner, Flerdner, Flerdner, and Smith-Flerdner.

longredcape said...

My mom refuses to drink when she's wearing sweatpants.

I'm like "WHAAAT? I ONLY drink while wearing sweatpants."

Okay that's not true.

I drink while wearing nice clothes too.

Also I turned down a "date" the other night because I already had on sweatpants.

Kristen said...

I take my bra off.
That pretty much signals that I'm all done for the day, so if you come to my house and I'm not wearing a bra, just know that you're welcome to come in, but you have to put on your sweatpants so I don't feel like a total shit ass around you.

Matt said...

Sweatpants + Sportscenter = my life.

Shannon said...

I own about 4 pairs of sweatpants, which proves just how much I sit around doing nothing.

Stephanique1 said...

I live in Pittsburgh. That's pretty much the sweatpant capital of the world.

Christina_the_wench said...

I prefer pajama pants. The couch knows it is all over when it sees me coming with a glass of pop, a bag of chips and those babies on. The kids and hubby know longer exist in my world either.

God, I miss single life.

Angela said...

For a girl, it's basketball shorts. A girl in basketball shorts will get asolutely nothing done.

moooooog35 said...

Makes you wonder why they call them 'sweat' pants.

I'd Google that, but I'm in sweatpants. Someone else will have to do it.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

Sweet sweatpants- I love them. I LOVE them. My husband will not wear them and insisits they are uncomfortable. I think he may be a pod.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yeah, chimpanzee shit is supposed to be good shit. You get can high on it. That's what they tell me, anyway.

Kellie said...

Mmmm....sweat pants. I miss college when that was all I wore ever. Well, except the bars, but you know what I mean. Going to class? Sweat pants. Going to get coffee? Sweat pants. Going to shack up? Sweat pants. I miss them.

dmb5_libra said...

sweatpants are called "lounge pants" for girls. i have always argued with superiors at work that there is no point to being uncomfortable in a suit all day. just makes you want to get home to your sweet sweatpants/loungepants. when they are still warm from the dryer? oh gawd, don't even get me started.

Sarah said...

i agree with the sweatpants rule - if someone wants to hang out they better call before i go home and change or they will be shit out of luck.

AMANDA said...

Everyone is commenting about sweatpants, but I can't get over the video...I am waiting for my kids to wake up from their naps so I can show them. It's no fun to laugh alone...

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

"... oh you are already in sweatpants. I'll find someone else."

I almost spit out my coffee laughing at this. It's so true. George Clooney himself could call me up for a date and if I was already in sweatpants, I'd have to decline.

Auburn Kat said...

As soon as I get home I have to change my clothes for the gym and get out the door. If I sit down for even one second or turn on my laptop, it's over...there is no way I'm getting out the door!

Auburn Kat said...

OH and I am good at guessing Northwest Ohio!

My ex grew up in a suburb of Cleveland and went to college at BGSU. All his friends from college were from Northwest Ohio and I've been there to visit a few times. There are definitely some rednecks from that area and I would know=)

Just Playing Pretend said...

My best friend called a few minutes ago and asked if I wanted to get a drink... I already had sweatpants on. Couldn't make it happen.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

what kristen said. first thing i do when i'm home for the night after work - BRA OFF, then sweats on.

which ironically is exactly what i'm in right now.

dailydisastergirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
justjp said...

I have a similar routine when I get home that involves gym shorts and PTI. Knuckle heads!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Kristen - once the bra comes off - Game Over. I'm surfin' the couch the rest of the night...

Note: Just recently started reading your blog. You are fucking hilarious, buddy. I would love to drink with you sometime! For my own selfish entertainment - but damn that would be one funny evening....

Leah said...

I also turned down a date for tonight... it sounded promising, but I had sweatpants on the brain. On a cold, rainy night like tonight? Come on!

(I wonder how crazy the dating scene would be if there were no sweatpants...)

Also, mine are fuzzy and soft and even sitting in this hardback chair I feel amaaaazzzzinnnngggg

Anonymous said...

i love college cause i can pull off the sweatpants and noone ever looks twice. in high school i could never get away with it. but i am alot less productive atschool with them on lol