Tuesday, April 7, 2009

It's The End of the World

My body is in such bad shape I throw my back out trying to rub my shoulder after throwing my arm out. My knees have about as much strength as Roseanne in a buffet line and when my stomach disagrees with me like we are part of the British Parliament.

I'm far-sighted and nearly overweight; left handed but not right in the head. I have had braces and cavities and pallet expansion OH MY! An extra vertebrae, missing wisdom teeth, hay-fever, migraines and a chiropractor on speed dial.

I'm a lemon.

I'm 25 years old and have MAYBE 3-4 good years left in me. After that I am retiring and heading off to the nursing home - where I am going to fucking dominate your grandpa in Wii bowling.

Yes, my time on this earf is almost over. It's been a good run. Had some ups. Had some downs. Touched a boob once in the 90's (it was soft) and have seen every episode of Saved by the Bell (including the Malibu Sands episodes - but not the college years - I'm not a freak.)

When I look back I have very little to regret.

But now I need to figure out how to kick the bucket.

Do I ride off into the sunset?

Dramatic sacrificial death like Leo in Titantic or Bruce in Armageddon?

I haven't worked out the details yet, but I think I want to be at the bar and tell an absolutely HILARIOUS joke and then just BAM! Spontaneously combust. Like a magician - a puff of smoke and all that is left is a pair of shoes and some smoke.

Everyone will be amazed and still wiping the tears from their eyes because they were laughing at my joke so hard.

Except your grandpa - he'll still be salty about the Wii thing.

22 comments:

Ashley said...

Where's your bucket list? Or are you pretty much past that?

Matt said...

so boobs don't feel like little bags of sand?

Gilahi said...

It was always my goal to live to be 102 and then be shot by a jealous husband.

Wv: boyants - 1) The opposite of girlants, 2) Things that make you float.

surviving myself said...

I like the exploding idea. I would like to be there, if possible.

AMANDA said...

You just wait until you reach your thirties..that's when shit really starts falling apart.

justjp said...

I felt like this after golfing over the weekend.

moooooog35 said...

You touched a boob?

I'm really surprised Hugh Jackman is soft.

Marie said...

Just make sure to keep blogging. Wherever you may be.

stealthnerd said...

I'm gonna kick it with you at the nursing home if that's okay. B/c I'm in such bad shape that even my dentist, a guy who really only looks at my teeth and my tongue, suggested I see a chiropractor b/c DAMN I should not have as many migraines/back issues as I do.

Kellie said...

I'm w/ Amanda. I turn 30 next month and I swear my body is slowly falling apart. Oh and I was born w/ 2 permanent teeth missing, so I still have 2 baby teeth (in the back thank goodness). How rad is that? I'm actually quite surprised I still have any teeth let alone those 2!

HBee said...

Question: Why did Leo have to die like that in Titanic? Why couldn't they have shared that floating piece of wood?

It was too small? Nonsense! They could laid on top of each other. It would've added more body heat.

fiona said...

I can let you borrow a Horse?
Feck riding into the sunset it would just kick you to death! You could rent an arena, sell tickets and go out "Gladiator" style.
There, problem solved.
Oh and I get all the money for providing the "beast"

Deutlich said...

Hm...

I want my chiropractor on speed dial...

Tara said...

It's been done, reference Bilbo Baggins - Fellowship of the Ring. I know that he didn't die, but as far as the rest of the hobbits are concerned he could have for all they knew. . .

. . . and I'm a loser.

LiLu said...

Blaze of Glory is definitely the way to go. Ask GOB from Arrested Development- I'm pretty sure he could help you out with that ILLUSION. (Tricks are something hookers do for cocaine.)

Kristen said...

I know why Deutlich wants her chiropractor on speed dial and it's not because her back hurts!!!

Kristen said...

If it makes you feel any better, my leg hurts and I feel like there's a foot sticking out of my va-jay-jay.

MsPuddin said...

I'ma get you that "I'm having a heart attack!" Holter monitor for your birthday...

golublog said...

All my parts crack when my move and sometimes my thighs hurt from walking. I bet my body is in a way sadder state than yours.

the letters i wish i'd written said...

just watch the college years, you'll be gone by the credits....

CheetaChica said...

i dont know what you all are talking about The college years were awesome... well better than junior high anyways i mean there was no Slater in junior high

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