Thursday, April 30, 2009

Pillow Fight

Pillows to me are like girlfriends; there are always two of them on my bed and one of them is a lumpy bitch. This analogy didn't work out as planned.

Why am I stuck in a vicious cycle of shitty pillows?

Why can't I ever just have two matching, comfortable, cool-on-the-other-side pillows?

No, instead I have an all-star, citizen of the year pillow and it's dead-beat brother who can't support himself.

This imbalance in pillow-power results in a constant struggle between the Lady Friend and I. There is trickery, there is force and sometimes there is crying - but only when I REALLY get upset.

If one of us gets up to use the restroom - you know damn well you are coming back to a shitty pillow. The other option is, of course, to just pee the bed - but with a predetermined nickname of "Senator Pee Pants" (you down with SPP?) - that option is almost nonexistent.

Sometimes I do some kind of Indiana Jones Ninja move where I try to balance her head and sneak the pillow out while simultaneously sneaking in the runt pillow. It is a difficult maneuver and if I don't get the balances just right a giant boulder comes rolling down the steps at me - luckily I wear a cool hat and a whip to bed. Don't judge - sometimes we like to pretend I'm Indiana Jones and she is a small Asian boy...I mean hot female singer.

(To protect the innocent I should tell you that the above paragraph is not 100% accurate. I don't have steps in my apt.)

Now the obvious answer would be just to go BUY another comfy pillow - but pillows don't grow on trees people. Besides - that would be admitting defeat. I'm a man - I can claim that pillow as my territory. In fact, I think I should just go get a new Lady Friend!

But she owns the whip and it looks REALLY cool with the hat.

So I guess I'm stuck with the lumpy bitch.

The pillow.

Not the Lady Friend.

She's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

27 comments:

moooooog35 said...

Nice save there at the end.

Personally, I could sleep on a rock.

Whereas my wife needs a stack of 16 or so pillows to get comfortable.

In 90% of the cases, she basically sleeps standing up.

If you're searching for a new pillow, swing by. I have 79 of them on my fucking bed.

Fizzgig said...

In order to not have this same problem at my manfriends house, I have purchased my own pillows and they stay there. Granted, he tries to sleep with them when I'm there, and I alwys collect my 4 pillows (this is a downsize from my own house) and let him know they are in fact mine.

It's not my fault he has crappy pillows.

Deutlich said...

you're special

stealthnerd said...

If it makes you feel any better I have 4 pillows on my bed and I hate 3 of them. Luckily for me though I have a bad back so Boo is nice enough to just use the crap pillows. If I were you, I'd start coming up with some "back issues" that require "proper sleeping posture" and "non-crap pillows."

Too much on the quotes there? Sorry about that...

LBluca77 said...

Good thing you saved your ass at the end or you would be left with the lumpy pillow and nothing else.

justjp said...

This was always a constant struggle between the ex-lady friend and I. An elbow got involved once and I bleed a lot.

Matt said...

I dont have that problem because my pillow and my girlfriend are the exact same thing.

It's almost like I win... except not.

Christina_the_wench said...

Pillow stealing is an automatic 'get the hell out'. Look it up. People have died for less.

Ashley said...

You should invest in another good pillow. Though I'm sure you've already thought of that...

surviving myself said...

Ari and I do this too - it's a brutal fight to the death for the better pillows.

Also, your indiana jones reference was ruined by your Stu Scott reference.

Ben said...

This post is probably my favourite of the past six months.

Marie said...

Good pillows are actually hard to come by. It's true.

This is why I don't let my bf sleep on my pillows. Yes, I'm selfish.

lacochran said...

"you down with SPP?"

Yeah, you know me...

*starts to bop*

Just tell her it's strictly BYOP.

fiona said...

Men and pillows...
One and the same.
They start off nice and firm and before you know it your sleeping with a sad, wilted lump of ...

just a girl... said...

Me personally I prefer a flat pillow. Two of them, please! and to get cold on each side you need a good pillow case!

Always a Bridesmaid said...

Why don't you just sleep on the Lady Friend's "lady pillows"?

Maxie said...

I have two pillows FOR MYSELF. One is weird and that's my snuggle pillow and the other is perfect that I actually lay on. Maybe you should just buy some more.

TishTash said...

So in the end you let her have the good pillow? It must be true love.

Kristen said...

I'm pregnant so I always get the nice pillow because my husband feels guilty about my condition, AS HE WELL SHOULD, but once this kid is out, it's game on again.

I'm really sad about that.

Idea #527 said...

Umm. . .that was me at one time. Except I would just sleep on him as a pillow until he gave me the good one. It worked well for awhile. Then I had a cold and it didn't work out as well because I felt bad hacking on him, so I brought my own pillow over.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

AWWW.

Desert Rat said...

unfortunately for me I visualized that whole thing ;-). Costco, Costco has great pillows. but what fun would that be to get a new pillow? if you do write your name all over it.

f.B said...

This is why I have way too many pillows. That way when the whip comes out, there's no doubt it's only for business time and not hand to hand combat.

HBee said...

Maybe you could share the good pillow. Or put yourselves on a pillow alternating schedule. Or just go buy another freakin pillow. But if you only buy one new pillow, then the old "good pillow" is now the bad pillow.

You're right. You're stuck with that lumpy bitch.

Hahahahaha

insomniaclolita said...

Somehow I think pillows are better than guys. Haha lonely much :P

Je said...

Genius. This might be my favorite post I've read of yours so far...
My man friend and I constantly fight over the good pillows at his house too. I think boys suck and picking out and purchasing pillows.

jo said...

that's a serious problem!
you should buy a latex pillow (they do exist!)
they just mold to your head, no lumps at all.
i'm telling you - go for latex! it just fits like a glove... oh, wait