Friday, April 3, 2009

Pants on Fire

Cleveland is home to an underground sex trade.

These strange parties drug poor lost souls and then put them on a stage to be poked and prodded - examined and torn down in front of a huge room of people. They are then sold to the highest bidder to be taken away to be used in unthinkable sexual ways.

Yes - that's right - I mistakenly attended a Fireman's Auction last night.

Before you start to judge me - it was completely unintentional. As is tradition, I went to meet Taawd at Rock Bottom Brewery for a few Thursday night mistakes. The place is quiet, the beer is good and we know the staff so it is normally a relatively calm evening.

Well, everyone else is calm. Me screaming obscenities at the shuffle board table helps break up the monotony.

But I entered the door last night and was immediately hit with a wave of dance music and desperation.

I began up the steps, weaving and ducking through a sea of cleavage and menopause.

It was frightening. I don't want to say I am a hero for making it all the way to the bar - but I don't want to protect you from the horror.

Tight jeans. Tube tops. COUGARS.


I retreated to an upstairs bar that was free from the auction - but I'd be lying if I said I didn't sneak back down to take a peak.

I mean, I didn't take out that $300 cash to NOT get a fireman.

(Disclaimer: No cougars were harmed in writing of this post. I love cougars and they love me. If this were a 'Sexy Librarian' auction I would have taken out my life savings. I am also not making fun of fireman - just this particular situation. And the one in the green thong that mooned the crowd. And the one that fell off stage and ripped down the curtain. And myself for staying for 3 beers.)


moooooog35 said...

Times like this when you run out to iParty and get a fireman's hat.

Do I teach you NOTHING?

lacochran said...

"I love cougars and they love me."

How could they not? *adjusts glasses*

Matt said...

You already know my personal feeling about cougs.

LBluca77 said...

Cougars have feelings too you know.

pj said...

Sucks you shaved that beard off, cougars love beards!

Angela said...

When I was in Denver in February the Rock Bottom out there was having a fireman auction, too! Hahaha, my friends and I enjoyed it, but we didn't bid.

Marie said...

So you didn't partake? Come on!

Dolce said...

Come on, Narm. I surprised you didn't try to sneak into the competitition to be poked and prodded by tube top wearing cougars.

I think you missed out.

fiona said...

*a see of cleavage and menopause*

So you were paying attention then!
Or did you mean "a sea" ?
Those darn Cougars will get you every time.

Kellie said...

Opportunity knocked and you didn't answer. I expected better from you Narmy boy... What were you thinking?!?!

Deutlich said...

I'm confused

Soda and Candy said...

I blame Backdraft for my obsession with firemen.


fiona said...

You may not be embarrassed but now my comment makes me look like a horses arse! ;-)
*Assumes crash position*

insomniaclolita said...

I thought you're on stage right there with mini yellow boxer and fireman hat.. This is dissappointing :p

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i was the girl in the black tube top, i'm surprised you didn't see me.

Bon Don said...

You went in there with a fresh face!? You should be luck those cougars didn't ravage you!

I gave you an award on my blog

rs27 said...

Please send me the address for the next one.

Heff said...

Coffee just came out of my nose. Thanks.

AMANDA said...

You are killing me I am laughing so hard.
Wish I could have been there to see the look on your face. But let's be honest, it was no mistake you were there.

HBee said...

"a sea of cleavage and menopause." Wow! That's a bit harsh. Hilarious, but harsh.

Also what happened to the guy who fell and ripped down the curtain? Did he keep on with his performance or did he bolt on outta there?

Just Playing Pretend said...

"Cleveland is home to an underground sex trade."

I'm packing my bags to move to Cleveland immediately.