Monday, April 6, 2009

Jokes on Me

Know what ruins a good conversation?


Not observational, witty, spur of the moment jokes. Those are great. I will cut you if you can't make those jokes.

But asking me if I want to hear a joke is like asking me if I want to talk about Jesus.

Asking if I want to hear a joke is like telling me to fake laugh in 2 minutes. Can I go do something else and then come back and pretend it was funny? I have some other stuff I need to get done that doesn't suck so it would be helpful if you could start the joke now and then text me when you get close to the punchline so I can fake laugh. Or maybe just text back LOL. That way you can't see the sadness in my eyes.

Not ONLY do I have to fake laugh at jokes, but the person telling them feels the need to tell the joke like an old sailor reliving a horrible storm. Why can't people tell jokes in their normal voice? Just because you are wasting my time doesn't mean you also need to work on your Casey Kasem voice.

When the joke is over - how much fake laughing should take place? Do I feign tears? Slap a knee? Slap a knee twice? Is there some sort of chart that can spell out the exact level of fake laughing necessary?

Two guys walk into a bar... - Worth three tears and a knee slap

A priest, a rabbi and a... - Worth feigned shock and two giggles

Rectum? Damn near KILLED em!... - Worth every second.


Shannon said...

Knock knock.
Who's There?
No one, that's who. Because your joke SUCKS.


sour said...

"you wanna hear a joke?"

problem solved

pj said...

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 ate 9. Hahhaha that's friggin hilarious!!

Deutlich said...

you know what makes me laugh? loud, inappropriate discussion in a fairly small restaurant.

that's just the best.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

why did the chicken cross the road?

i'm not good with jokes, but witty banter and spur of the moment one liners? nail um.

LBluca77 said...

This post has a fale laugh with your name written all over it.

lacochran said...

Wanna hear a Jesus joke?

Kellie said...

Haha! I love the rectum line. I don't know why. It must be my childish humor coming out. :)

surviving myself said...

I like Sour's approach to the problem.

Soda and Candy said...

"Supercollider? I hardly know her!"


Matt said...

If I had a casey casem voice there is NO WAY I would be sitting in a cubicle right now.

and I'm sure there will always be a need for some kind of countdown.

longredcape said...

I'm not very good at fake laughing. I go something like, "huh." I usually get the stink eye for that.

Dolce said...

I think you nailed it. If I wanted to hear jokes all night I'd go to a comedy club.

Hot Coffee Girl said...

Liquor? I barely know her!

moooooog35 said...

Wait til you have kids.

Son: knock knock
me: oh, come the fuck on

Son: knock, knock!
me: fine. ass. who's there?

Son: Boo
me: Boo who?

Son: Boo did I scare you because I'm a ghost and that's what ghosts do unless they're Casper!

Parenting sucks in so many ways.

Julie_Gong said...

i always go with the knee slap after i tell really really amazing jokes.

rs27 said...

Anytime you tell a joke you should say the punchline and immediately drop a "Hi-OH!" or a loud Ed Mcmahon laugh.

Thats the key.

my name is Amanda said...

Someone: "Want to hear a joke?"
Me: *Groan/Eye Roll* "NO."
Someone: "insert shitty joke anyway"
Me: *laughs very unsarcastically, wipes tear*

Can't help it. ESPECIALLY if they do voices.

Anonymous said...

how do you make dead baby float?

answer- 1/2 dead baby, 1/2 ice cream

and texas just hit a 3 run donger..damnit!

LiLu said...

Now I'm going to have Casey Kasem's voice in my head for the rest of the day. Which means I'm thinking of Max's from Saved by the Bell, which means I A) want a burger and B) am downloading "Zack Attack" to my ipod as we speak.

THANKS, NARM. This is on you!

golublog said...

True. Want to hear a joke is the beginnings of an awkward pause followed by no reaction.

Gilahi said...

So how do you feel about the rectum as a hole?

Smash said...

Damn, anonymous (I assume your roomie) beat me to the joke. Although I did steal it from him so I guess he is allowed to beat me to it!