Sunday, April 19, 2009

Stripped Down

Why are we wasting all of our cloning technology on someone other than Marissa Miller?

Explain to me why we would waste all that money cloning Strip Club Announcer Guy and not super hot girls with loose morals?

I've been to a few (read as: a shit-ton) strip clubs in my day. Mostly to tell all the guys there that they should respect women and to tell the dancers that they don't need to use their bodies to get ahead - they can do it with their brains. I do this by giving them $20 and letting them rub their gens on me. Girl power!

But at every single strip club is the exact same guy with the exact same voice and exact same inflection.

"Alright guys, put your hands together for DESTINY!!!"

Exact same guy, in every strip club. Even Canadian strip clubs. This shit is international!

Maybe it is something in the air. Maybe the mix of hairspray, cheap perfume and daddy issues has some chemical reaction on the vocal chords and transforms that guy into an Asshole. Like a really shitty mutant. (I won't take the obvious XXX-Men joke here.)

Or maybe there is a school I don't know about. Can I get a 2-year degree in being a DJ for gentleman's clubs? I think I could pass that final -

Which of these is NOT a stripper name?

A - Jasmine
B - Crystal
C - Cubic Zirconia
D - Destiny

Eh - I bet Cubic Zirconia has fake boobs.


moooooog35 said...

I can never put my hands together in strip clubs.

Best I can manage is one at a time.

FYI - public lewdness fines average $125 per offense.

Matt said...

My favorite stripper name is Diamond. It doesn't matter which strip club you are at...

there is always one diamond.

sour said...

well my REAL LIFE first name is Nova, and you try and find me one strip club that doesn't have a "cassie nova" or a "nova bailey" in it
every effing time

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

gens = my new favorite word

Maxie said...

Strip Club DJs are SO creepy... I've never seen a hot one. They always look like a cross between a mouse and a gorilla. yuck yuck yuck.

surviving myself said...

Yeah, but I heard she gives great head.

I mean, that's what I heard. From a friend.

Kristen said...

Don't forget about Amber and Ruby. They'd be bummed if you forgot their names!

fiona said...

"giving them $20 and letting them rub their gens on me"

Thanks for the "heads up" I've been under priced for years! Giving change from a $5 NO MORE!

Ashley said...

Last week I actually heard a guy on the radio who used to be one of those guys. He completely transformed his voice to sound just like you'd imagine. It was a little creepy, honestly.

Fizzgig said...

there was a guy on the radio once trying to do the strip club announcing, and they all kept laughing. I think it was on maxwell.

CZ prob has better boobs than Jasmine though...sometimes CZ look real!

Baking With Plath said...

Back when I was a stripper (yeah yeah yeah I KNOW, everyone makes bad life decisions. some of us think jean shorts are a good idea, some of us get naked for money. SAME THING), the DJ would say "Tip now or forever hold your piece...literally" whenever guys weren't going up to tip. I think the world needs more strip club djs like that dude.

TishTash said...

I once met a little girl named Chardonnay. Her mother didn't leave her much choice, did she?

You should practice introducing "Chardonnay" now. I bet it'll show up on your midterms.

harper & beatrix said...

my brother and i once decided that the trashiest name would be trynyty.

yes. with three y's.


lacochran said...

I went to see male strippers once. The guys smelled sweeter than me. That was unacceptable. I left.

Okay, maybe I was short a few $1 bills.

What? I don't know what you mean.

wv: seseist.

Yeah, like Blogger doesn't know what it's doing.

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.