Autumnatic

Hey, Fall, what gives?

I am a HUGE fan of yours. I haven't missed a single fall since 1983. I love everything about fall - sweatshirts, changing leaves, not having so much back sweat that people ask me if everything is ok. Its great!

But you are a sneaky bastard.

Remember, like, yesterday when it was hotter than Amy Smart outside? I was on a boat on Lake Erie enjoying a cold beer and wondering if the noise I heard was the boat engine or Lynyrd Skynyrd's Ronnie Van Zandt spinning in his grave because he just heard Kid Rock ripping off 'Sweet Home Alabama'.

But then today I was sitting in a meeting when I looked out the window and saw the leaves changing colors.

What the hell?

How about a warning? How can you go from burning lava hot outside to nipply? Yeah, I said nipply - and you know I only say nipply when I'm serious.

Nipply.

Don't think I don't see what is going on here. Don't try to steal something I love away from me - first Arrested Development got canceled, now this?

What's that?

You brought some football for me to watch?

Ok, fine, you can stay.

But don't get too comfortable because Winter called and he is bringing snowball fights and hot chocolate.

Good thing too, it may get a little nipply.

Top 5 Quotes From The Nuge

Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, gave a free "concert" (read: radio show with backing band) at the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame two weeks ago and let me tell you - gross. If you are into over-tanned wrinkles being covered in black leather this was the PLACE TO BE.

Ol' Ted Bear (I guess you have to know a few Ted Nugent songs to get that reference and it saddens me that I do) more or less talked over his backing band, giving us a free preview of his radio show more than his music catalog. But in his defense, he didn't kill anything with a bow and arrow - which I guess is good. The songs he did play had names like, "Love Grenade", "Weekend Warrior" and my personal favorite "Wang Dang" with the lyric:

"Wang dang, what a sweet poontang
a shakin' my thang as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell"

It also makes references to being "so sweet when she yanks on my meat". No wonder Sweaty Teddy was a ladies man.

But he had even more memorable quotes than that gem. Here are my - Top 5 Sweaty Teddy Quotes:

1. "Say 'Thank You Uncle Teeeeeeeed!'"

2. "I'd like to thank the military folks out there for goin' 'cross seas and killing assholes. There's a lot of assholes out there and we're lucky we got these guys to go kill all them assholes for us."

3. (While wearing a cowboy hat) "Ain't no country and western bullshit for ten miles around here! Uncle Ted came in and blew that shit right out of Cleveland. This is all rock and roll - you can tell that country bullshit to go on home!"

4. "I'm black. Thats right, I'm black. Where my brothers in the audience at?"

5. "All the kids in the audience get a free machine gun! Aw hell - all the skinny girls get one too! Fat girls...you gotta load em!"

Pittsburgh Trip Number Uno

PICTOBLOG PICTOBLOG PICTOBLOG


What is this magical land you call Pittburgh? I didn't get mugged ONCE on my way to the park!


Front row seats so close I could spit on the warning track. Which I did - Look Mom! Just like a REAL baseball player!


"Nope, no pit stains."


Nothing funny here - just ridiculously good photography skills. You still think my Chocolate is a girl's phone? Yes? Damnit.


Guy in decent clothes picks up a cardboard box, puts it over his head and lays down in the middle of a crowded parking lot. I tried to get a closeup picture but he was screaming at the top of his lungs inside the box so I kept my distance. The entire adventure made me homesick for Cleveland and excited to get back to all of my favorite homeless guys on my block.


Highlight of the Trip:

(Little kid comes up to my roommate and I who are both wearing cowboy boots (more on that in a later post))

Little Kid: Are you guys cowboys?

Roommate: We sure are.

Little Kid: You don't talk like cowboys!

Roommate: Well, Partner...

Little Kid: Don't call me partner.

Suck It, Chris Hansen

All I know is that if I EVER get busted with an underage girl I am calling the Chinese.

No funsies from me today - I am heading to Pittsburgh for the Pirates vs Cubbies game tonight. You Pittsburghonians can look for me on the TV - I'll be sitting front row in left field wearing my baseball glove like a 6 yr old. My pride won't be making the trip.

The Slug

I was visiting one of my favorite places on earf, A Blog of a Good Time, and, in reference to Lolo Jones tripping over a hurdle and failing to win gold, I said the following:

"I didn't see her break down in the tunnel but I did watch the race. I can't imagine training four years for one moment and then screwing up. I assume it feels like voting for George Bush."

Har-Har. I know - Jay Leno called - he wants his joke back. I mean making fun of the president goes back to the beginning of time - just as Cheney - he was there. Taking a swipe at G-Dub is like sleeping with that slutty girl at your dorm - sure everyone does it but it never gets old. Anyways - another blogger, Gunn was slightly offended. Wait, does slightly mean "ready to murder someone through mind bullets"? I am so bad at definitions:

"Read your comment at Blog Of A Good time about LoLo in the Olympic race and voting for Geo Bush. You are a hater and just enjoy fucking things up for everyone else.
You are no better than the bitter assholes who destroy good for you personal satisfaction.
It's bad enough that politics get injected into the Olympics by the "world leaders" but when dimwits like you do it you leave a slime trail like the slug you are."

Whoa.

When I first read this I had to sit down and collect myself - then I wondered why I was standing up in front of a computer - because when you stand and type you have to do this awkward butt thing where you stick it way out and look a little fruity.

But then after that - I. was. PUMPED.

I haven't really really pissed someone off in awhile. I forgot how much fun this is! I mean I made a joke about Hurricane Katrina last post and got no response - and G-Wheezy, with his <30% approval rate gets me this. I must be playin X-Box baby, cuz I can't stop pushin' buttons.

Not only that - but such passion in the response. Not just name calling - but "fucking things up for everyone else" and "destroying good for your personal satisfaction".

You know what this means? Move over Environment - I am George's new ARCH NEMESIS! "Destroying good for personal satisfaction" sounds a lot like a SuperVillain. And by leaving moderately funny comments on blogs I am "fucking up things for everyone else." Apparently I also leave a trademark "slime trail".

So on the SuperVillain checklist I have -
1. A motive
2. A plan
3. A catchy calling card that will later turn into my SuperVillain name and then a sexy spandex costume

Hello? National Security? This is Narm - Ima fuck shit up.

But being a political Supervillain also has it's disadvantages. I mean I am in constant fear of Georgalicious sending one of his goons to come try and shoot me in the face.

And we all know Cheney is a good shot.

The Pits

I'm sitting on my couch doing a lot of nothing and I can't stop smelling my armpits.

And let me tell you - they smell terrible.

But I can't stop. It's like there is nicotine under there or something. I did absolutely no physical activity today so there is no reason for them to smell like cotton candy and vinegar - but they does, Reader, they does.

Here's a dirty little Secret - sometimes I wear women's deodorant. Not all the time - but I definitely have a stick of Secret floating around my room. It's strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a pussy.

Let me explain - I used to sweat like one of the Olsen twins at an all-you-can-eat buffet - but then one morning when leaving your mom's house (zing!) I stole some of her deodorant and discovered how easy women had it.

I'm convinced if New Orleans had rubbed Secret Powder Soft all over the levies that hurricane would have been nothing more than a quick shower. Wearing Secret is like telling a math problem to a cast member of The Hills - NOTHING is getting through. Secret is like watching your grandpa try to take a piss - work all night and still not get a drop.

I've said too much.

All I know is that men's deodorant smells like a used car saleman. I don't want to smell like "Pure Sport". I am actually wearing deodorant so that I DON'T smell like I've been playing sports all day.

"What's that you are wearing?"

"Oh this? It's called 'Bottom of the Pile-Up at Baltimore Ravens Training Camp'"

"Ooooh I can really smell the swamp ass."

So instead I wear Secret Powder Soft. And I do it with pride. When someone on the bus says, "Who smells so good?" I'm not afraid to raise my hand and say, "I do! I smell great, Sir."

Because I am Sure it's me.

Trampo-Lean Back

Yes - worst title ever - but with good reason.

Trampolining is a sport? Not just a sport in the way that picking up fat chicks is a sport, but an honest-to-Narm Olympic medaling sport?

I know at least two and a half people that can do the same shit as Olympic Trampoliners.

Hell - I've been to enough Cav's games to see their mascot, Moondawg, do the same amount of flipitudes and twistyjobbers and then dunk a basketball. WHILE WEARING A GIANT DOG COSTUME.

THAT is a sport. And the thing is, Moondawg isn't even top dog at his profession. He is forever in the shadow of the greatest Trampoliner in history. The Michael Phelps of Trampolining.

The Gorilla

Hey, Mike, light the pool on fire and call me. Maybe THEN I'll be impressed.

From Wearing Tight Pants to Having Tight Pants

Question of the Day:

How does this haircut go from making me want to punch babies here:



To make babies here:

Meme

Sarah over at SillyGrrl tagged me for a meme and as an Idiot - I had no idea what that meant. Apparently I list seven random facts about myself - which combines my two favorite things: talking about myself and counting. I'm like The Count from Sesame Street but with Elmo's ego.

1. I call grilled cheese - "girled cheese". When I actually write it out I write grilled cheese - but for some reason when I say it out loud it comes out girled. I'm not sure how I turned girl into a verb - or what it means AS a verb. Did I give the sandwich female parts? Is my sandwich always running late and complaining about being cold? Does it put out? Because if I could mix food and sex I'm pretty sure I'd be in heaven - not to mention win the Nobel Peace Prize because there would be no wars if guys could eat and have sex at the same time. It's simple math.

2. I am extremely OCD about folding things. When I use a paper towel I have to fold it in half twice or I can't use it. Also, when printing things out and createing packets for work - everything has to be exactly lined up or I pull the staple out and start over. I have been known to throw documents away and reprint them because they aren't folded perfectly straight and exactly in half.

3. I have a bad back, bad knees, my shoulders are bad - but I am extremely flexible...Laaaaaaaaadies.

I can not only touch my toes but put both hands completely flat on the ground. I also learned through a drunken bar bet that I can place a dollar directly between my feet and do the splits far enough that I can bend at the waste and pick the dollar up with my teeth. I'm not sure if this is information that I should be divulging to the masses - but I think I've embarrassed myself enough on here that this is the least of my troubles.

4. I fucking love Brussels sprouts

5. A friend of mine got slapped for walking up to a random girl at a bar and saying, "Wow! You smell better than a bologna sandwich!" And I still don't understand why. He said she smells BETTER than a bologna sandwich. How is that an insult? Apparently bologna has a first name - and it's B-I-T-C-H.

6. My middle name is Elmer. I know what you are thinking -

That

is

awesome!

You are right.

7. My uncle holds the Miami Dolphin's single-game record for most opponent fumble recoveries in a game with 2. He is tied with 4,372 other people but damnit his name is there! He is also the reason I now much suffer through being a Dolphins fan which is a lot like being a Nickelback fan; when you tell people they just go, "Oh that sucks."

I'm pretty sure #5 had nothing to do with me - but there aren't enough good stories involving bologna these days. Glad I could contribute. And thanks to Sarah for making sure everyone knew more about me than they ever wanted to know.

Love,
Elmer

A Letter From Boyfriends To Michael Phelps

Dear Michael Phelps,

Fuck you.


My girlfriend mandated workout begins Monday.

Signed,
Boyfriends Everywhere.

Toe Be, Or Not Toe Be

I have gotten over my fear of people who's second toe is longer than their first. I mean, it is still kinda weird, but I have come to realize that these people are not necessarily evil, just their toe is. I definitely still have a fear that the toe will sneak out and stab me in the middle of the night - but my therapist says we've made progress.

So while I am not scared of Evil Toe owners - I have concrete proof that this appendage is evil.

Babies never have Evil Toes.

At no point are you holding a cuddly, weird handed baby and look down to see Evil Toe.

Somewhere along the line - that toe decides to fuck the system and just keep on growing. It's like the toe is stretching out to win some imaginary race with the other toes.

Hey Toe, thats weird.

What makes you think you can go all Dikembe MutumToe on us?

Grow up. No one is impressed by your little feat.

Are You Gonna Eat That?

Quick shout-out to a few fellow Cleveland bloggers, Allison of Confessions of a Cohabitant, Mel at Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of your Boyfriend, Taawd at Taawd's Thoughts and Alexa from Cleveland's a Plum (and I may have been wearing the shirt I won from her contest - how embarrassing). They showed up for some drinking shenanigans on Friday night after their dinner out with the paparazzi (read their blogs to get the deets on that sitch). It was great putting a face with the blog and next time I hope to join the festivities.

Speaking of eating - what is up with America's obsession with watching people eat testicles? If I were on a show that was about to be canceled I would change any and all story lines to have the main characters eating bull testicles, cow brains and anything cooked by Rachel Rae.

Does EVERY reality show have to have a segment with people throwing up? I mean I get it for "America's Next Top Model" but I don't really see the relevance anywhere else.

At what meeting did some guy stand up and go, "Here's the deal - we get Joe Rogan to make fun of white trash people while they try to eat really disgusting stuff and throw up! It's GENIUS!"

Then all of the suits mull if over and ask, "But can we also cover them in spiders and snakes?"

Hell now it's ready for prime time!

If America really wants to watch people puke - give me a camera and a box of Laser 40's and I'll give you a SHOW. Throw some music on in the background and BAM - I'll be the next big thing!

What's that? They already did the "Puking to Music" bit?

Damn you Sanjaya!!!!!

Not a Bic Deal

You know when you can hum a couple of lines of a song but you can't quite think of the lyrics or who sang it - and when you try to sing it to a friend you just sound like an idiot - then a half hour later when you are in the middle of an intelligent conversation about immigration you are like, "STAY BY LISA LOEB!!! DAMNIT!" and everyone thinks you are crazy?

Well I've noticed something even more annoying than that.

Someone has been crawfishing my blue Bic pens.

Obviously at first I was going all Russel Crowe and throwing phones at people - but then I calmed down and decided I had to get to the bottom of this Inspector Gadget style - Go Go Gadget Unproductivity!

After combing the streets for witnesses and using DNA research - my Boss tried on the bloody glove and voila - it fit. So my Boss is stealing my pens - I can handle that. They are free in the mail room and, well, just a fucking pen.

But the next discovery had me more confused - I have never in my life seen her use a Bic pen. So what is happening? Is she stashing them away in some drawer in case there is ever a flood and she needs to make a raft out of pens? Is she the Jim Halpert to my Dwight Shrute in some sort of office prank?

And then it occurred to me - her Bics were probably ALSO getting stolen - in some sort of vicious circle they were making their way around the entire office.

Making me the bottom of the food chain.

And when you think about it - the office setting really is a microcosm of the circle of life in that the...

BILLY OCEAN 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS'

Oh man I have been trying to think of that all day.

Full House

Saw this license plate on the drive home from the Radiohead show last night and thought, "Wow - Bob Saget couldn't even get top billing on his license plate."

BREAKING NEWS

Green Bay, WI. (AP) ESPN has continued their record streak of making a story out of nothing today, the Associated Press reports. The cable network has overhauled their station to follow retired quarterback Brett Favre's reinstatement to the NFL since last June when he expressed interest in returning to the league. The story peaked last week when Favre received the headline story over the trades of two future baseball Hall of Famers. In recent days, however, lack of news has had many experts questioning both the ability, and willpower, for ESPN to continue with the story - questions which were answered in today's coverage.

Lacking any real news in days, ESPN had been forced to follow a trail of Favre's text messages between he and friends. As news became sparse, the network also paraded ex-players and unqualified "experts" to give long, sensational commentaries on the situation.

Favre himself attempted to help the network by giving interviews and sending text messages directly to reporters to avoid anyone at the station having to do any real work. Guaranteeing all eyes would be on him, Favre also threw former friends under the bus and put their jobs in question.

With vast experience in promoting prima donnas through the Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds and Roger Clements stories, ESPN jumped at the opportunity to pump up their hype machine around a player for the sole fact that they provide cheesy sound bites.

But the question remains how long ESPN can keep up their parade. When asked about the situation, one ESPN employee who wished to remain anonymous had this to say:

"There is literally no news. We have flip flopped our stance in supporting Favre and then supporting the (Green Bay) Packers to try to rehash any tired opinion - but the lack of news is frustrating."

When asked for a comment Brett Favre just waved his arms and screamed, "Look at me, I'm Brett Favre! I'm Brett Favre!" repeatedly. There was a brief incident when the camera attempted to film an ESPN reporter for a quick update, to which Favre repeatedly ran in front of the camera and began his tirade again.

If history repeats, the Favre saga will suddenly disappear, much like the Clemens, Bonds and Owens stories of years past. Viewers will most likely be left wondering how a story that consumed the entire network for weeks on end will suddenly not receive a single mention throughout the station's famous "SportsCenter" program. When asked about this fact, ESPN responded with the following statement:

We realize that the Brett Favre saga has little bearing on the sports world as a whole and that, in fact, even the people of Green Bay have little interest. When we feel the story has resolved we will run a series of Top 10 Lists glorifying players who's legend is much larger than their actual accomplishments and replaying tired sound-bites of player's and coaches' tirades.

No official word has been given on whether anyone actually gives a fuck.

Make Up Your Damn Mind, Fortune Cookie

I made mistakes yesterday - meaning I again visited my favorite pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet known as Tang's Wok. You know what that means! FORTUNE TIME!

Now I don't like to brag (lie) but I consider myself a fairly accurate pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet participant. I load that little styrofoam carton up like Brittany Spears' baby oven and throw out my prediction "$7.21!" and without fail - I get it withing 20-30 cents. I've seen lesser men buckle under the pressure - a full dollar off, Buddy - what is this, amateur hour?

Anyways yesterday I had the equivalent of the no-hitter, the 300-game of Chinese buffet - I nailed 2 lbs on the dot. Hold your applause, please.

I may or may not have raised my arms in triumph and taken a lap around the place telling everyone I was the greatest - but the details aren't important - what is important is that the cashier girl recognized my accomplishment and awarded me the greatest prize in the world - TWO fortune cookies (and apparently, a run-on sentence).

Now - I like to think she could see greatness when it looked her in the eye. I like to think that her entire life had been waiting for a moment like this - a moment where someone would realize what was at stake in the world of pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffets and rise to that challenge - but I think she may have just been hitting on me.

Wait - my girlfriend reads this...shit...did I say hit on me? I mean...LOOK A DINOSAUR!

(*runs away)





Ok I think we are in the clear. Anyways - I of course downed two pounds of ridiculously awesome Chinese food as fast as possible because everyone knows it is illegal to eat the fortune cookie until you join the Clean Plate Club.

My world was shattered by the following fortunes -

"Diligence is the mother of good fortune."

Ok, Fortune Cookie 1 - you are telling me that if I buckle down and work hard, good things will happen. Fair enough - lets see what Fortune Cookie 2 says -

"The principle business of life is to enjoy it."

Fuck you Fortune Cookies! How can I enjoy life if I am being all diligent all the time? Have you ever heard the word "diligent" and "enjoy" in the same sentence?

"Dude, I tell you what - I have been diligent about that swing-set over there and it paid off man."

NO!

Stupid contradicting fortune cookies.

I, of course, spent the next 15 minutes pouting in my office because, lets face it, that was bullshit. Then my buddy comes over and claims to have the worst fortune ever - to which I was skeptical - I mean we've all had the "advice" fortune which just tell you what you SHOULD be doing (see mine above) and every so often we all have the empty fortune cookie - which is a bad sign all around.

His topped that -

"Commitment is the stuff character is made of the power to change the face of things."

THAT IS NOT A SENTENCE. His fortune sounds like something from a George Bush speech. Which got me to thinking - our president is not even qualified to write fortune cookies. How embarrassing.

"Commitment is the stuff character is made of the power to change the face of things."

Can someone please tell me what that means? I think it is two fortunes put together - like some kind of creepy fortune cookie love child. "Commitment is the stuff character is made of." and "Character is the power to change the face of things." had a few too many drinks, were next to each other in flip cup - "Commitment..." didn't have a place to crash so "Character..." offered his couch and BAM - 9 months later this fortune popped out.

Moral of the story - there are no winners in the Wok of Shame.